‘I had 100 one-night stands with men in a bid to make me straight’: Lesbian woman on accepting her sexuality
CHARLOTTE Malley knew she was gay but was too terrified to come out so she pursued relationships with men hoping she would 'get used to it'
CHARLOTTE Malley, 22, is a hairdresser and lives in Erdington, Birmingham. She says:
"As the man I’d just had sex with stroked my hair, I recoiled in shame.
We’d met in a club earlier and I still didn’t know his name. Mumbling excuses, I grabbed my clothes and fled from his flat.
At home I scrubbed my skin, trying to stop myself feeling so dirty. But I knew it wouldn’t be the last time.
Deep down, I was sure I was gay – but it terrified me so much, I was determined to ‘fix’ myself by having as many one-night stands with guys as I could.
Aged 14, a game of spin the bottle led to my first kiss with a girl.
It felt so right, but I was tortured by the thought my parents and friends would disown me if they knew the truth, so I started self-harming.
When Mum saw the cuts on my arm a few weeks later, she took me to the doctor, who diagnosed depression and organised counselling.
For six months, Mum sat in on my sessions, so I just kept insisting my parents’ recent split was to blame.
When I lost my virginity at 16 during a one-night stand with an 18-year-old guy I knew from school, I felt nothing for him.
But, as it wasn’t too awful, either, I figured I’d get used to it if I kept trying.
So I decided to meet as many guys as I could, seeking them out on Twitter, Tinder and dating sites.
I also used fake ID to get into clubs where I’d hook up with random men every few days. Over three years, I slept with around 80 men.
Each time, as soon as it was over, I’d leave.
The thought of seeing any of them a second time made me shudder.
Some found it strange as they’d want to cuddle after sex, and others even asked for a second date – but I always made excuses.
Friends would see me leave nights out with random strangers and tell me they were worried I was putting myself in dangerous situations, but I always let someone know where I was going and used condoms.
Then, at 19, I secretly visited a gay bar.
I was chatted up and although it didn’t go any further that night, for the first time ever I felt comfortable.
Even so, I couldn’t face the truth and slept with at least 20 more guys.
But I didn’t stop thinking about that night at the gay bar, and in January 2013 I decided to finally come out to my friends one night over drinks.
My heart was racing as I told them, but they confessed they’d always known – they’d seen the way I’d watched women rather than men.
Relieved, I started dating women I met in gay bars and online. In January 2014, I began seeing a girl I met in a club.
It was the first time I’d been in love, but it fizzled out in November 2015 and I’ve been single ever since.
I’ve also come out to my parents, who said my happiness was all that mattered.
It turned out the only person who had a problem with my sexuality was me.
I haven’t self-harmed since I was 18, but was left with ugly scars on my wrists, so I decided to cover them with a tattoo that reads: ‘Don’t let your past determine your future.’
I feel sad I wasted years hiding, but there’s no point regretting sleeping with so many men.
It was what I needed to do to find out who I was."