I know it’s wrong, but I can’t resist having sex with husband of my mum’s best friend

Dear Deidre

I AM having sex with the husband of mum’s best friend. We both know it is wrong but we can’t stop ourselves.

He is 41 but is really fit and looks and acts much younger. I am 19 but very mature for my age. I have been their babysitter for two years and he gives me a lift home afterwards.

We chatted in the car one evening. He asked about boyfriends and whether I had ever had sex.

I told him I had made love with boyfriends but I was now single. The talk got quite dirty. He asked for my phone number and gave me his.

We texted for a while, then we started sending each other sexy pics. One evening last year he stopped the car on the way home from babysitting and started kissing me. I melted and we had sex in the back of his car. Sex with him is far better than it was with any younger guys.

We have been romping loads since then, meeting up after he leaves work, and even managed to have a weekend away together.

I told my mum I was going to London with a friend and he told his wife it was a conference for work.

Then I left my phone at home by mistake one day and my mum found it.

Her friend’s husband had sent me a flirty text asking me about babysitting. That was our secret code for getting together. My mum phoned her friend and said she would pass the message on.

Her friend had no idea what she was talking about but assumed her husband was planning a surprise night out for them. I told him my mum had seen his text and that he had better arrange the surprise for his wife — which he did.

I don’t think my mum realises how far things have gone. She told me to stop flirting and said everyone, including his wife, knows he’s always been a cheat and I was playing with fire.

I agreed and broke off contact with him but only for two days. Now we still have sex whenever possible.

I really like him and he says he feels the same. How can we stop when it feels so good?

DEIDRE SAYS: You can stop yourself but you must make up your mind to do so. This man is not free to love you and you are the one who will get a broken heart.

He has always been a cheat. He is not going to risk losing his wife and his children. My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free? will help you to see this more clearly.

 

New pet adding to my problems

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend bought me a puppy to cheer me up but it just added to my problems.

I was working in an understaffed and stressful call centre so I quit to set up my own beauty business as I’d studied that at college.

I advertised but with little luck and was feeling very low, so my boyfriend bought a retriever puppy to keep me company and cheer me up. We live together. I am 26, he is 28.

I feel useless about not earning and want to apply for a full-time job but I can’t leave the dog on its own.

DEIDRE SAYS: Before you give up your dream visit Business is Great (greatbusiness.gov.uk, 0300 456 3565). Could a friend or relative share the dog with you? Check out borrowmydoggy.com.

Otherwise make an appointment with your local vet practice together to talk about what is fairest for the puppy.

 

 

Girl I dumped is the only one I want

Dear Deidre

I STUPIDLY dumped my girlfriend but she is the only one I want.

I am 24, she is 23 and we’d been together for two years but I was caught up in my problems. My parents recently separated – my dad was devastated and I hated my mum’s new man. Then the firm I worked for shut.

Everything got on top of me and I told my girlfriend I didn’t love her.

I realised a week later I’d made a huge mistake. I tried to get her back but she said I’d hurt her too much. She is now with someone else so I should not contact her.

DEIDRE SAYS: Why not contact her once more? Tell her you made a mistake and want her back.

If she still says no, you can only accept it. Resist rushing into trying to find someone new just yet.

You need time to get over the split and to learn from this mistake. Getting out with your friends just to enjoy yourself will help.

 

Sibling rivalry

Dear Deidre

MY daughter, who’s 18, beat up her twin brother.

He hit his head and needed a week off work. He is demanding she pays the money he would’ve earned. I’m 42.

DEIDRE SAYS: If she is earning, why not pay something? She should realise behaviour like that can land you in court and paying compensation.

If they have always suffered from intense sibling rivalry, ask your GP to refer you all for family therapy.

My e-leaflet on Managing Anger explains how she can learn to control her temper.

 

Teenage trouble

Dear Deidre

DAD has never shown any interest in me or my brother and sister. I love him but he only sees me when I nag.

I’m a girl of 15, my sister is 12 and my brother is nine. My dad left my mum five years ago for someone else. He has eight children from four different women.

The oldest three children don’t speak to him. I’m wondering whether I should do the same but Dad has a three-year-old son with his new partner and I don’t want to miss out on my younger half-brother’s life.

Dad says it’s my fault. I went to live with him for a while but his current partner was always shouting at me and I kicked off. She made Dad choose between her and me.

DEIDRE SAYS: Tell your dad you miss him and your little half-brother and ask if he will make proper arrangements regularly.

Try to speak to his partner as well. Tell her you’re sorry and you’re older now and realise it wasn’t the way to handle things.

It’s very hurtful to feel sidelined but you can find confidential support with The Mix (themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994).

 

Young love

Dear Deidre

I’VE fallen head over heels for an amazing girl but I know people will say we’re too young to be serious.

We’re both 15. I met her when I went to stay with my grandparents for the summer last year. We have kept in touch ever since.

The problem is that we live 300 miles apart. She has no family in the town where I live so we only meet when my parents decide to visit my grandparents. We can’t afford train fares.

We talked about moving away together to see how well it would work out but we’re worried our families will say that we can’t fall in love at our age.

We genuinely feel we are soul mates and truly the ones for each other.

DEIDRE SAYS: Some couples do fall in love very young and stay together but many relationships don’t last, so take your time.

Keep in touch but don’t think of trying to move away right now. You’re not ready to live independently – it would only convince people you are immature. Talk to your parents about how you can meet up more often.

 

I was the one making all the effort

Dear Deidre

I TOOK my girlfriend for a luxury week away so we could spend more time together but she dumped me a few days later.

We had been together for three months although we knew each other from school. She is 25, I am 23.

It was wonderful when we admitted we had feelings for one another.

She was so loving and seemed to want to do anything to make me happy.

We live 150miles apart. I work in London, so took her away to a big, posh hotel for a week of luxury but she got quieter as the week went on.

She said she was just tired from work but I realised I was the one making the effort to stay in touch.

Two weeks ago she dumped me by text. To add insult to injury, she said she wants to be friends.

When I told her I was too hurt for that, she got really angry.

I asked for answers why and she just said it was too much. I know we will not get back together but why won’t women tell the truth?

DEIDRE SAYS: Perhaps spending proper time together showed her it wasn’t right for her.

But it might not be because of you. She might have realised she didn’t want a relationship.

My e-leaflet Moving On will help you.

 

In need of peace and quiet

Dear Deidre

I’M taking finals for my degree but it is hard to get the peace I need to study.

I moved in with my boyfriend and his parents and younger brothers six months ago. We are both 22. The house is always busy so I want to go to my parents’ for a few days to study without distractions.

But my boyfriend goes in a mood whenever I mention it. I feel stuck and stressed.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your exams are very important. Tell him this is not about his ego. My e-leaflets Standing Up For Yourself and Anxious About Exams? will help.

 

Any other woman would have walked ages ago

Dear Deidre

MY ex-husband wants me to move back in but I won’t because we never have sex.

We’d been married for six years when he left me for another woman. They split up after a couple of years and I had boyfriends but nothing serious.

I am 40, he is 45 and we have been meeting again for three years but only had sex once in that time. He says things like, “Sex isn’t the be-all and end-all,” and: “We’re happy, aren’t we?”

I know it is not a physical problem because he watches porn and satisfies himself.

The woman after me was older and not interested in sex so he started using porn. It has wrecked the confidence I built up while we were apart. I have cried in front of him and told him any other woman would have walked ages ago.

I suggested counselling and he agreed but he never did it. I love him but I believe our sex life should not be over. I will not move in with him till this is sorted.

DEIDRE SAYS: Porn is often addictive and is easier because he can think only about himself.

Spell out that if he wants your relationship, he has to give up porn and focus on you.

My e-leaflet on Internet Pornography Worries can help him.