Wife’s brother is also my lover but I can’t leave my partner and kids

Dear Deidre

I’M having fantastic sex with my wife’s brother.

I can’t stop seeing him but I can’t leave my wife and kids.

I’m 35, my wife is 34 and we have two children, aged four and six.

My brother-in-law is 28 and single.

My in-laws retired recently when they sold their business and my wife
organised a surprise party for them at our house.

It was a great evening, a lot of alcohol was consumed and at the end there was
just my wife, her brother and me left.

My wife went into the kitchen to clear up and her brother made a pass at me.

I put it down to us all having had too much to drink and brushed it off.

He got a cab home later but the next day I kept thinking about him and what
happened.

I ended up texting him and we arranged to get together the next evening.

We met at a pub near his flat. It felt awkward at first but as the evening
went on and we had more to drink, I started to feel more comfortable — and
it became obvious that we were attracted to each other.

When the pub closed, he suggested a few more drinks back at his flat, which is
very luxurious and stylish — he has a great job and good taste.

He opened a bottle of wine and sat down beside me.

We looked deep into each other’s eyes and the next thing we were kissing and
one thing led to another.

Before I knew it we were having sex.

It was amazing and we have been doing it ever since.

That was four months ago.

He says he loves me and he wants me to leave my wife –– but I feel stuck.

I don’t want to leave my kids but I can’t keep going on like this with my wife
and brother-in-law forever.

DEIDRE SAYS: Leaving your wife for your brother-in-law would tear the
family apart – as well as being very hurtful for your wife and damaging for
your children.

If your affair with him is only about sex, you would end up riddled with
guilt.

Even if you feel it is more than sex, you need to take a step back before
deciding what to do.

Despite their different genders, your wife and her brother will share certain
characteristics – and what attracted you to your wife is probably similar to
what is now attracting you to your brother-in-law.

Stop the affair and focus on your marriage, for yourself, your wife and for
your children too.

They will be best off if you can get your marriage back on track happily.

Relate can help (,
0300 100 1234) and my e-leaflet on Bisexual Issues will help too.

Do stop cheating, though – being bisexual doesn’t make it OK.

Should I give ex another chance?

Dear Deidre

MY ex wants us to try again – and I used to be stupidly in love with him – but
I’ve been seeing a colleague who is a really good guy and has all the time
in the world for me and my son. I don’t want to hurt either of them.

I was with my ex for four years until two months ago but he always resented my
son, who’s seven, and flirted with other women behind my back.

I’m 30 and he is 32.

When I confronted him about any of it, he just lied.

My colleague is 37, with kids aged four and six.

They get on well and he’s fantastic with my son. We went for a drink a couple
of weeks ago and kissed for the first time.

I have strong feelings for him and he says he wants a future with me.

My son says I’m always happy and smiling now.

But my ex wants to try again and I’ve agreed – though we haven’t met up yet.

DEIDRE SAYS: Why even think about getting back with a man who showed
you no love or commitment and who resents your son?

Finish with him for good but don’t rush into the arms of your colleague.

Take time to get to know each other properly before you commit, for your sake
and for the children involved.

Dreading future without partner

Dear Deidre

I LOST my wife to cancer in March.

She was the love of my life and I worshipped her.

It’s our anniversary tomorrow and I don’t know if I’ll cope.

We were together for almost 20 years.

We had so much fun.

Life now seems so empty and sad.

I have grown-up children and they are lovely to me but the house is so empty
and quiet when I walk in from work.

I cry myself to sleep and dread every day.

I’m 59 and my wife was 55.

People say to remember the good times.

I do but this anniversary will be so different from last year when we had no
idea she was ill.

DEIDRE SAYS: I am so sorry.

This sort of heart-breaking loss is the price we pay for the joy of living and
being loved.

In a while you will be able to rejoice that you and your wife had so much fun
together.

For now, shed your tears when you need to and be glad for your loving
children.

You can find understanding through the Macmillan Cancer Support online
community (,
0808 808 0000).

I’m sending you my e-leaflet Have You Lost Someone To Cancer? and will be
thinking of you.

Dear Deidre

MY dad says I’m naïve because I think happiness is more important than money.

I’m 22.

I got good grades at school but I have always loved flowers and I worked in a
flower shop when I left school.

Now I’ve got a job in a department store.

The money is OK but I hate the job.

I have no outlet for my creativity.

I have been offered a job doing flowers for weddings and occasions.

I’d love that but the work is not regular.

My dad says I should stay where I am.

He says financial security is more important.

DEIDRE SAYS: Why not suggest to your father that you try doing the
flower job for six months?

Perhaps you could start by doing that job part-time, but continue part-time at
the department store.

You have to work hard to follow your dream.

Tell your dad if it doesn’t work out, you will do any job while you think
about your future and work towards getting further qualifications.

Dear Deidre

MY partner pleasures himself while looking at porn and has lost interest in
sex with me.

We have been together for two years and our sex life was great.

For the past six months he has been saying he is tired or not in the mood.

I woke up the other night and realised he wasn’t in bed.

He was downstairs in the lounge on his laptop.

I’ve tried confronting him about it but he looks really uncomfortable and
changes the subject.

I’m 32 and he’s 35.

What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Tell him how much you are missing his loving and ask if he
is worried about something.

Stress can affect the libido and it could be easier to find relief by
pleasuring himself than having to worry about your satisfaction.

But warn him that online porn is especially addictive, has a numbing effect
and he is risking your relationship.

My e-leaflet Your Man Lost The Urge? can help.

topic4today

ONE in six UK adults has taken part in a threesome and it is one of the most
common fantasies readers write to me about.

My e-leaflet Thinking Of A Threesome will help you decide if it is right for
you.

Email me at the address below for a free copy.

Get in touch

EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.

Email me here, private message me on , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

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