I’m so in love with chip-shop girl half my age but don’t know how to leave my overweight wife

Dear Deidre

I HAVE been having amazing sex with the girl who works in the fish and chip
shop next to where I work.

She is pretty with lovely blonde hair — and is half my age.

I am 43, she is 22.

It all began when I saw her coming out of the chippy one evening at the same
time as my shift was finishing.

It was a cold foggy night and she asked me if I would walk her home — I used
to coach her brother at football so she felt safe with me.

It soon became a regular thing.

I was flattered because I didn’t think a lovely girl like her would look twice
at someone like me.

She started holding my hand, then putting her arm through mine.

She gave me a squeeze when we said goodnight and this led to a peck on the
cheek.

Then one night she invited me into her flat.

She shares it with another girl who is always at her boyfriend’s so she has
the place to herself most of the time.

One thing led to another and we ended up in bed.

Now we have passionate sex most nights.

She says she is a learner when it comes to sex but she seems pretty
experienced to me.

My wife has let herself go.

Her weight has more than doubled and our sex life is non-existent.

We have been married for 19 years and she is pretty much housebound, while I
keep fit.

We couldn’t have children and have little in common now.

My new girlfriend wants me to move in with her and this is what I would like,
more than anything, but I don’t see how I can just walk out on my wife as
she is so dependent on me.

I need to find a way of telling my wife with the least possible upset and I
have to do this before I lose my girlfriend to a younger guy.

She won’t wait for ever.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sex with a girl half your age must feel very exciting but
there is no way you can leave your wife without it causing huge distress.

So the first thing you need to be sure of is that your girlfriend sees this as
a lasting relationship, that she’s not going to trade you in for a younger
model in a couple of years.

And even if she’s sure, you still owe it to your wife to tell her how unhappy
you are and see if together you can revive your marriage.

Ask your girlfriend to give you space to try.

If she won’t, then your relationship is doomed anyway.

Was your wife depressed about you not being able to have children?

Is that when your sex life died away?

You could both find understanding through More To Life For The Involuntarily
Childless online at

My e-leaflet Torn Between Two Women? should help.

If you do leave, at least you’ll know you tried first.

Why am I unable to relax in bed?

Dear Deidre

I AM a woman of 25 but I have never had proper sex.

I try to avoid sexual situations because I know it will be embarrassing for me.

It has never been possible for a partner’s penis to go inside me and trying is
very painful.

I’ve seen a specialist and been diagnosed as suffering from vaginismus.

I was given a set of dilators but I couldn’t make any progress.

I feel so despairing and alone.

I have never had any traumatic sexual experience and don’t come from a prudish
background so I don’t know why this is happening to me.

Boyfriends have always been kind about it but it stops relationships going
anywhere.

I wonder whether it is even worth it to pursue any relationship any further.

DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t give up hope. I think you haven’t found the right
help yet.

Maybe you were anxious the first time you had sex, or your first partner was
insensitive, so it hurt.

Your body would involuntarily tense up the next time and so a vicious circle
is set up.

A psychosexual therapist can help.

Contact Relate for one near you (,
0300 100 1234).

My e-leaflet Sex Too Painful? explains self-help tactics.

Schemer ex plans to get my man back

Dear Deidre

WHEN my partner lost his mum he pushed me away and cried on his ex’s shoulder
instead.

Now she is telling their eight-year-old son not to talk to me.

I am 36 and have been with my partner for five years.

He is 39, sees his boy regularly and we have him to stay.

I found emails from the ex including sexual things and I finished with him.

He begged me to go back and promised never to stray again.

We had his little boy over last weekend and I discovered the ex had been
putting things in his head – such as he was not to talk to me.

It is sad because we have always got on so well.

I feel sure his ex wants my partner back and would jump at the chance to be
with him again.

How do I handle this?

DEIDRE SAYS: Have you and your partner got to the bottom of why he
turned to his ex when he needed sympathy?

Did he feel safer confiding in her?

Tell him he can find support through Cruse Bereavement Care (,
0808 808 1677) and must tell his ex that it is damaging for their little boy
to run you down.

He needs to feel safe and settled in both homes.

Dear Deidre

I HAVE discovered my brother is having an affair with the 26-year-old fiancée
of someone we all know and look on as a friend of the family.

My brother is 41, two years younger than me.

He divorced his wife several years ago.

I questioned him about the affair and he denied it, but I saw explicit photos
and texts she’d sent him on his phone.

A mate at work told me about the affair but now my brother is telling everyone
this friend is a liar.

My wife says I should keep out of it.

But I don’t feel I can sit by and let it all happen.

The girl he is having the affair with has three children, and I doubt her
fiancé – our family friend – has any idea what has been going on.

Should I tell him?

DEIDRE SAYS: Talk to your brother again.

If his lover is still planning to go ahead with the wedding, it sounds as
though it is a fling.

Don’t go to his lover’s fiancé.

You risk making the situation worse.

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend has taken out a loan we cannot afford to go on a drinking
holiday with her friends.

We have a one-year-old son and I would rather we spent on him than on alcohol.

We are both in our twenties.

Money is very tight but she borrows cash every week to go to town and meet her
mates.

Now she plans to go on holiday with them.

I don’t want us to have rows about it but I seem to be the one worrying and
trying to keep our finances straight while she acts like we are well off.

DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like your girlfriend is in denial.

Write down the details of your income and expenditure so she can see it in
black and white.

Agree a fair share of any spare cash for leisure and be firm you can’t afford
to build debts.

Try to get at underlying issues.

Is she depressed or developing a drink problem?

My e-leaflets on Family Finances and Dealing With A Problem Drinker can help.

Topic4today

MOST people self-pleasure but few of us talk about it – yet it is a safe way
for young people to experiment and to learn what works for them.

My e-leaflet Masturbation Worries? explains and reassures.

Email [email protected]
for your copy.

Get in touch

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Email me here, private message me on , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

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