How to get what you want… as told by a hostage negotiator, lawyer and psychologist
Fed up of getting nowhere? Whatever you’re thinking of asking for, here’s how to ramp up your negotiation power...
ASKING for – and getting – what you want can feel intimidating at best and impossible at worst. And, statistically speaking, women are much less likely to even attempt it.
In a survey for her book Women Don’t Ask, economics professor Linda Babcock found that 57% of men negotiated the salary they were offered, while just 7% of women did the same.
But there’s no need to feel like you can’t get the best deal possible. With our guide, you’ll find out why the tone of your voice is the most effective tool and how creating a common enemy is important.
Plus, we’ve rounded up some of the top negotiators who deal with everything from hostage situations to difficult divorces to reveal how
you can use their tricks to get what you want.
SHOW YOU’RE ON THE SAME SIDE
“It’s much easier to influence people if you’re ‘in group’,” says Simon Horton, who has trained hostage negotiators and written The Leader’s Guide To Negotiation. So what does being in-group mean?
“This is when you align yourself with the person you’re negotiating with,” explains Simon.
“To get in group, match yourself with them. Follow the same dress code, use similar language, adopt their values, draw on shared experiences. If you’re from the same place, for example, use it to show how much you have in common.”
Simon also recommends deploying the use of a mutual threat.
“Focusing on a common enemy or worst case scenario for both of you is an effective method of keeping people on side. For example, in a divorce case, using the threat of bank-breaking legal fees, which neither side wants, will help keep the conversation reasonable,” he says.
DON’T PUSH TOO HARD
When you’re trying to coax your man to see things your way or convince your colleagues about your business strategy, it’s inevitable that you just want them to say yes.
But pushing them too hard to completely agree with you could actually have the opposite effect, warns Chris Voss, the former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI.
“Something I learned as a hostage negotiator was not trying to get people to say yes,” Chris says.
“If you stop going for that word, both sides feel like they have more freedom within the discussion and the person you’re dealing with doesn’t feel they’re being told what to do.”
He also argues that when we want to hear that word so badly, we can end up forcing the person we’re doing the deal with to say it just to get us off their back – meaning that they won’t really follow through. Instead, he advises acting casual and making what you want sound as appealing as possible to both of you.
Dr Ruth Allen, chief executive of the British Association of Social Workers, adds: “Give reassurances where you can, and make it sound possible for the person to come along with you on your ‘journey’.
“If you want people to take your view during a work meeting, you have to put your case to them in a way that shows it’s OK for them to change their mind. Convince them that they could get something out of it in the long run and they won’t feel like they’ve been strong-armed into it.”
RELATED STORIES
RELAX YOUR SHOULDERS
Did you know that when you’re trying to get your point across, what you actually say only counts for a tiny 7% of how your message is received?
Research from psychologist Albert Mehrabian’s book Silent Messages found that a whopping 38% is conveyed by the tone of your voice, while 55% comes through your facial expression. So, it’s not just what you say but how you say it that is crucial for clinching that deal.
Psychotherapist Robert Edelmann explains why using the wrong tone can backfire.
“If you simply say: ‘What’s your take on this, Dave?’ and it’s polite, friendly, and engaging, then great. But if it comes across as sarcastic (‘Oh, come on, Dave!’), it’ll take the focus away from the issue and on to the person instead, which is not so great.”
It’s also crucial to show that you are listening to what the other person has to say. Sky News presenter Kay Burley’s job relies on her
being able to get people to open up and talk to her.
“Make sure you keep eye contact to show you think they’re important, and have open body language by relaxing your arms and shoulders,”
she says.
“Be warm, and remember to use their name while you’re talking to them,” she adds.
And studies back this up – scientists found that hearing your own name activates the left hemisphere of the brain, which is used to process language and speech, but is also in charge of carrying out logical thinking, mathematics and analysis.*
KEEP EMOTION OUT OF IT
Want to hang on to that special picture, but your ex is trying to make you choose between it and something else you want? Or perhaps you’ve met all your targets at work, but you’re getting angry that your boss has moved the goalposts again for your overdue promotion?
Whatever the scenario, it’s essential you leave your emotions at the door and keep your cool, says family lawyer Kaleel Anwar of Slater & Gordon.
He suggests one of the best ways to get what you want is to take your feelings out of the situation and zone in on your end goal.
“During discussions, really focus on what’s going to get you the biggest reward,” Kaleel says.
“Think about where you want to be in a year’s time and see whether or not what you’re agreeing to will get you there.”
And that applies whether you’re negotiating a salary change or trying to draw up a divorce agreement.
A common pitfall for many of us is that we let our judgement become clouded by emotion.
“During a divorce or break-up, a lot of the time people will be angry or upset, and they’ll want to cling on to things such as property or assets purely for sentimental value,” he says.
Kaleel also advises you to consider any nostalgic ties or demands your fellow bargainer might have.
“Go in knowing what the other side wants and use it to your advantage. Employ that knowledge as a pawn and say: ‘I’ll provide you with X if you provide me with Y.’”
MAKE IT SHORT AND SWEET
So you’re negotiating your salary and you think you’re making headway? Don’t let things drag on, says corporate negotiator Jonathan O’Brien.
“One of the most common mistakes is to keep negotiating beyond the point where there is the best deal to be done. It’s easy to think we must keep the exchange going until the other person says: ‘OK, I totally agree,’ but this rarely happens – or worse, the other side starts gaining too much.”
Debating too long also leaves you open to the risk of the other party losing interest.
“If they start to interrupt you, or if they lose focus, or if it gets personal and voices become raised, then these are the signs that you’ve lost them,” says Robert.
Instead, try to close the deal when you feel you have enough to satisfy your baseline requirements.
“This is a classic sales tactic. Spot when it looks like the other side is almost ready to agree, then do something about it. Saying: ‘So shall we do this then?’ can be enough, or reach out to shake their hand as if business is concluded. When a hand is offered it’s natural to engage in the handshake, by which time the other person realises they are agreeing to what you’ve suggested,” Robert adds.
“Often this is enough to seal the deal. If they object, use humour to keep them sweet by trying to poke fun at yourself or remarking on how sharp they are, but keep working on closing.”