My married lover is having my baby… but she doesn’t want me to have anything to do with it

Dear Deidre

I HAD a passionate affair with a woman who lives over the road, even though she is married and I have a long-term girlfriend.

Now she is having my baby and wants me to have nothing to do with it.

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She is 37 and I am 30. It all began with her waving to me out of her front window when I came home from work.

One evening she noticed I had been looking miserable for a week or two and came out to have a chat.

She said she was worried about me and I was really touched.

My girlfriend and I had been rowing for a long time, my job wasn’t going well and I was overtired after a heavy cold.

I hadn’t had a break for more than a year and holidays were one of the things my girlfriend and I argued about.

She kept coming up with ideas I thought were all too expensive and we couldn’t agree on anything. Our sex life had gone downhill, too. To have an understanding and sympathetic woman caring about me was wonderful.

We started having sex at her place whenever we could — usually when my girlfriend went to the gym or her exercise class and my lover’s husband was working late.

Eventually the inevitable happened and she got pregnant.

She told me as soon as she found out and confirmed the baby is mine. She also told me she’s keeping the child but doesn’t want me to be involved.

At first I was shocked but now I have got used to the idea I am desperate to be a father to my child. I told her this but she says I was just “a sperm donor”.

She is now planning to move house — with her husband — and says that she doesn’t want any complications.

I feel sure she’s going to tell him it is his baby and I am gutted.

DEIDRE SAYS: I am afraid you are pretty powerless – except to cause a lot of emotional distress – but you could have saved yourself all this if you had used protection.

For her husband to accept the baby as his, you have to assume they have a sex life – so the baby could actually be his.

In any event you have no power to demand DNA tests without the mother’s consent. If she agreed to this – which seems unlikely – and the baby turns out to be yours, breaking up her
marriage would hardly help the child have a happier life.

It may be better to accept you may have been used and learn from it.

Work on your relationship with your girlfriend, or break up with her and find yourself someone new who is free and who wants a family with you too – but use protection until you are both ready to start a family together.

Neighbour's dog barks non-stop all day

Dear Deidre

A NEIGHBOUR’S dog barks constantly and is disturbing everyone’s peace. It isn’t fair on us or the dog.

It starts early in the morning when it is taken for a walk. It is left out in the garden all day and it barks non-stop.

I am 49 and I don’t sleep well so the last thing I need is to be woken up first thing and then kept awake until it is time to get up for work.

I can’t even hear the TV and I cannot open a window. A lot of retired people live nearby and one of them is ill and needs to rest.

DEIDRE SAYS: Tell this neighbour you are worried about the constant barking in case there is something wrong or the dog is ill.

This will alert them to the problem and you can even suggest dog training.

Get more advice from the Dogs Trust (, 0300 303 0292).

If the barking persists the local authority can issue an Abatement Notice.

His hotel booking wasn't for me

Dear Deidre

I DISCOVERED my husband had booked a double room in a hotel for a few days but not mentioned it to me.

He said his friend asked him to do it in his name so his partner wouldn’t find out.

I know he lied.

He also said he was going on a training course for a week, then I saw a text on his phone from a girl saying how much she missed him.

We have been married for four years and have a boy of two. When I confronted him, he had a go at me for looking at his phone. He said I was bound to find whatever I was looking for, as that is what happens to snoopers.

We met when we were still in our teens and are 24 and 25 now. I am only staying for the sake of my little boy who adores his dad.

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s the classic tactic of cheats to cry, “Snoop!” when caught. Would you have looked at his phone if you were not suspicious? It will do your son no good to grow up in a home where his dad treats his mum with so little respect. Tell your husband it is fidelity or divorce.

If he doesn’t want to lose you, my e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains how.

My fella will not help out at home

Dear Deidre

IT has been more than a year since my partner moved in but he doesn’t pay his way.

I wouldn’t mind if he helped out but I always have to ask him to help clear up after a meal or put his clothes away.

He is 28. I am 29 with a son and a daughter. His mum has always done it all for him.

He is very strict with my kids, who are in their early teens. I spoke to him about it and he said he doesn’t want them speaking to me badly.

It has got to the stage where I am scared if my kids go near his property in case he shouts at them. I know I have to deal with this before it gets worse but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sort this out before the sparks fly and your kids become rebellious and really difficult. They will take orders from you but understandably question why they are being bossed about by someone who is not their dad.

Get him on his own and explain firmly. Read through my e-leaflet Step-Family Problems with him so he understands.

Together set out what he should pay towards household expenses to fit his income, plus a written list of which chores are his. Stick to it.

Once my wife shouted at me because she wasn’t satisfied

Dear Deidre

MY wife tells me not to worry about climaxing quickly but once she shouted at me because she wasn’t satisfied.

I have always had a problem lasting but, for the past year or two, it has been even quicker.

Now it happens the moment we start to have intercourse and sometimes beforehand. She has ended up crying several times.

I have tried everything – rings, cream, sprays – you name it. I went to see my GP. He gave me some pills but they had awful side-effects.

I am 26, my wife is 25. I am scared to have sex now in case I disappoint her again.

I am worried she will get fed up and look elsewhere.

DEIDRE SAYS: Sexual satisfaction for women isn’t all about intercourse – use the guidance in my e-leaflet Help Your Partner Reach Orgasm.

Then you can think about your own responses in a less stressed way. My e-leaflet How Men Can Last Longer explains self-help.

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