Sexy instructor is driving me wild during lessons, but he let slip that he has a partner

Dear Deidre

I AM having sex with my driving instructor but I worry he’ll stop seeing me if I pass my test.

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I am 18 and  driving lessons were my birthday present from my parents.

I realised the instructor was dishy the moment he drew up outside our house for my first lesson. He is 31.

My heart was beating fast when we started out. I put it down to nerves about the driving but now I realise it was because this guy was beside me.

Things became quite flirty. His hand lingered on mine longer than it needed to and he leaned across me more than necessary to see if the road was clear when we came to junctions.

My parents are hinting I should be taking my test by now but I keep making excuses

I didn’t think about him much at other times but then I saw him in the park when I was walking my aunt’s dog.

He suggested we go for a drink after I had taken the dog home.

We both got a bit tipsy and he invited me back to his place for a coffee. We ended up in bed and it was great.

Our lessons have been very intimate since then and we spend more and more time parked up in quiet places.

My parents are hinting I should be taking my test by now but I keep making excuses.

I have really fallen for this guy but I don’t know how he feels. He let something slip about his partner one day.

DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t be taken in by this guy. He may be good-looking and have charm but he is bad news.

It sounds like he has been taking advantage of having you close to him in a car with no one else around.

He has crossed the line between teacher and student and could lose his job if he works for a company and there is a complaint.

I can’t help suspecting he has done this before – or is doing it now with other pupils. And he has a partner already, so he may well have children too.

Don’t carry on being his  victim. Tell your parents you are not progressing as you feel you should be and ask them to help organise a different instructor for you. It will feel hard but you will benefit in the long-term.

When you have had a chance to reflect on what has happened, report him to his employers or professional body. He is breaking all professional boundaries.

Meanwhile, be sure to see your friends and have a social life. That way you will find a replacement for your ex-boyfriend. This instructor is not boyfriend material.

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.  Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

Guilt-stricken after his death

Dear Deidre

I CHEATED on my husband while he was away working on an oil rig and then left him because I felt so  guilty.

That was a decade ago but he died last year aged just 48 and I realised how much I still loved  him.

Our children have now left home and I feel so lonely. I am 46.

I bought a puppy to keep myself busy but I still wake up at night thinking about how I ruined our marriage.

DEIDRE SAYS: Guilt is a miserable and fruitless emotion and can feel worse after a bereavement when you realise you can never make amends.

You cannot change the past but you can learn to leave it be and look forward. Contact Cruse Bereavement Care for support  (, 0808 808 1677).

Find a fresh focus by making a positive contribution to the lives of others. Find opportunities through .

Is my dad trying to replace my mum?

Dear Deidre

MY mum killed herself six months ago and Dad has already started dating someone else.

The family and I feel this is coming too soon.

I am a girl of 23. Mum suffered with depression on and off for years but she was such a loving  person.

I feel I’ve lost my best friend in my mum and I miss her so much. Since she died, my life has stood still.

Now Dad has started seeing someone he met online. It’s as if he’s trying to wipe Mum out of his life.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your dad is coping the best way he can. Losing your mum must have been devastating for you both.

Every suicide can leave behind a terrible mix of guilt, anger and shame. Get help from support aftersuicide.org.uk.

There will be moments when you will feel you are literally losing your mind but that’s normal. You can get through this.

Dear Deidre

I HAVE no idea how to attract girls. I am 25 and still a virgin.

For most of my life I was obese but three years ago, I decided to get fit and lose weight.

Now my problem is that I feel a little lost and lonely because I don’t know how to relate to girls at all.

DEIDRE SAYS: Relate to girls as you would to anyone else.

Be friendly, ask questions, find out what interests them and what you have in common.

My e-leaflet on Shyness And Social Anxiety gives lots more tips.

Teenage trouble

Dear Deidre

MY sister’s boyfriend sent me threatening texts saying he was “coming for her” because she had not replied to his messages. I don’t know whether to tell her.

It was just before they were due to go to Spain and I didn’t have a chance to show her what he said before she left for the airport.

She is back now and said she had a wonderful time and loves him more than ever.

My sister is only 16. I am 19, the same age as her boyfriend. They have been together for six months.

He cheated on her soon after they got together but she forgave him.

She says she loves him and they are happy together but they row a lot and she often comes home in tears.

DEIDRE SAYS: If you know this boyfriend is a nasty piece of work, you should tell your sister about the messages.

It is against the law to threaten someone with violence. Do you both live with your parents? They should know too.

If you say nothing and  he physically hurts her, you will never forgive yourself.

It’s best you  let her make up her own mind about dumping him but she needs to know all the facts.

I hate having no prospects of anything better

Dear Deidre

I LEFT school without any decent grades and am now stuck in a dead-end job.

I am a guy of 18. I tried an apprenticeship but it didn’t work out. Now I am doing a horrible job, cleaning in a care home for the elderly.

I know I’m not qualified for anything and all I can hope for is manual labour, but the thought of doing this for the rest of my life is awful.

I cannot go back to college to get more qualifications or train for something because my family are hard-up.

I hate having no prospects of anything better.

DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t allow yourself to think: “This is it for the rest of my life.” Plenty of people with successful careers got bad grades at school.

The key is to find what you are good at and what you enjoy.

Contact the National Careers Service for ideas  (, 0800 100 900).

My e-leaflet Help For Job Hunters includes advice about applications and interviews.

We agreed I can remove the chastity belt once a month

Dear Deidre

I HAVE been wearing a chastity belt as a way of coping with my frustration. My wife holds the key and I find that very erotic.

We have been together for 11 years and had an incredible sex life at first but she’s had no interest in sex since we had our little girl.

If I try to discuss it with her, she just gets tense and angry. We are 41 and 42.

I used to masturbate to release sexual tension but then I read about chastity and thought I would try it.

We agreed I can remove the chastity belt once a month. The tension it creates has made me more focused on my wife and I help out around the house much more.

She is happier and plans to remove the device more often so I can have my pleasure, but I want to be able to give her orgasms like I used to.

DEIDRE SAYS: You find the chastity belt erotic and it gives you the reassuring feeling of regaining some control over your sex life.

Your wife enjoys feeling the pressure is off her but the reality is that neither of you have dealt with the underlying issues of why she has gone off sex.

Having a baby is often a huge upheaval. My  e-leaflet on Sex Problems After A Baby could start a more positive discussion.

Everything was fine until we discovered she is pregnant

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend says that if I leave her, she will make sure I have nothing to do with the baby she is expecting.

I am 21, my girlfriend is 20. Everything was fine until we discovered she is pregnant.

She never wants to go out any more. All I do is go to work and come home again.

DEIDRE SAYS: Contraception would have been a good idea! It is almost always in the best interest of the child to have a good relationship with both parents – together or apart. However, you won’t have automatic parental rights if you cannot make your relationship work or leave your girlfriend now. Families Need Fathers can advise you how best to negotiate with your girlfriend (, 0300 0300 363).

I know what I want but sometimes I feel in limbo

Dear Deidre

I HAVE been seeing a guy for 11 years and  would like nothing better than to marry him and  have his children, but he’s not interested.

I am 37, he is 39. I know he has had a difficult life. His parents divorced and neither of them really wanted him. When he did find someone to love, she cheated on him.

We rarely go out on a date. In fact, we don’t do anything much.

Sex is OK but I don’t feel he is enthusiastic about it.

He drives a coach for a travel company so he is away a lot but he rarely phones or texts me.

We have split up several times but I always seem to be drawn back to him, though it seems he is my best friend rather than my partner.

I know what I want but sometimes I feel in limbo.

DEIDRE SAYS: “Limbo” doesn’t sound much fun, so why are you still hanging on with this guy? If the relationship isn’t bringing you happiness, it is not worth having.

He is not likely to change. Why should he? He has everything he wants.

Meanwhile, the years are flashing by and you are not finding the loving companion you could enjoy being with.

Read my e-leaflet When Your Man Won’t Commit.

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