I’ve fallen for my bi neighbour after beautiful sex but she won’t ditch her rich fella

Dear Deidre

I WENT round to my neighbour to apologise for all the trouble my ex was causing and we ended up in bed having great sex.

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I am a bisexual woman and was with my ex for two years.

We are both 25.

She became very jealous and possessive.

I caught her looking online for tracker devices to put on my phone so she would know where I was every minute.

It killed all my love for her, so I told her it was over.

She took it very badly.

She started coming round, parking her car outside my house and playing loud music late at night.

She emptied my wheelie bin out on to the pavement and kicked it around.

Then she started throwing things at my house.

One night she threw a stone but it missed my house and broke my neighbour’s window.

The neighbour called the police, although my ex had driven off.

I went round to explain and apologise and to offer to pay for the window.

We were both very shaken up.

After the police had gone she offered me a cup of tea.

I poured my heart out about how things had turned bad with my ex.

We went up to her bedroom and had beautiful sex

She was very sympathetic and put her arms round me.

Suddenly we were kissing.

She has often flirted with me and I thought nothing of it but that evening it felt more intense.

We went up to her bedroom and had beautiful sex.

We stayed there in each other’s arms all night.

The next morning she was just as lovely to me.

She is 29 and has a boyfriend but she said we need not stop if we keep it quiet.

She told me she is not going to finish with him.

He is older, wealthy, takes her on brilliant holidays and can give her a good lifestyle.

I am very confused.

I have fallen for her but I worry there will never be a happy ending for me.

DEIDRE SAYS: I worry too. 

Your neighbour is offering you very little, and being her secret lover will erode your self-esteem.

She is shallow enough to stick with her boyfriend for the lifestyle he can give her and I fear she is shallow enough to use you – to satisfy her enjoyment of sex with another woman while it suits her.

The second there is a risk her boyfriend will find out or offers her more commitment, I think she will drop you like a hot potato.

It isn’t (yet, anyway) deep love you feel.

It is lust boosted by more than a touch of rebound.

End this fling now and free yourself to meet someone who will truly want to be with you and who will be proud to be open about it.

My e-leaflet Moving On will help.

If your ex continues to harass you, find understanding guidance through the National Stalking Helpline (0808 802 0300, ).

Jealous worries tearing us apart

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Dear Deidre

I LOVE my girlfriend but I am afraid I am pushing her away.

I am 28, she is 27.

She is friendly and bubbly yet has never given me reason to mistrust her.

I am insecure, which has been a problem in past relationships.

She recently went on a hen weekend and some blokes chatted them up.

The men went back to the hotel where the girls were staying.

Some girls paired off with the guys.

One tried it on with my girlfriend.

She told him she had a boyfriend and he backed off.

When she told me about it I was annoyed.

She is open about having one-night stands in the past.

I have too but I am struggling to forget about hers.

I am worried my jealousy will ruin our relationship.

DEIDRE SAYS: Insecurity like this has its roots way back, usually in childhood, when we have been hurt or let down.

Train yourself to ask for a loving hug rather than getting angry when you feel threatened.

My e-leaflet Dealing With Jealousy will help you.

You both have pasts.

You need to accept that the past is part of what makes you the people you are now, the ones who love one another.

Fear I'll flip at trauma hit kids

Dear Deidre

MY wife’s cousin’s kids are living with us and I’m so stressed I’m worried I’ll snap.

They are a four-year-old boy and a seven-year-old girl.

They came to us after their mum was killed in a car crash.

Their dad disappeared four years ago.

I am 31. My wife is 30 and we have a six-year-old son.

It is hard as we live in a flat but we are all the family they have, as their grandparents are either dead or infirm.

The girl makes a fuss about going to school and, at home, she will not let my wife out of her sight and screams if she’s left with me.

This really sets me off.

I feel my heart racing and I start shouting at her.

I know I am wrong but it just happens.

DEIDRE SAYS: This little girl is traumatised by what has happened and just needs to feel safe.

Getting angry will only make her fears worse.

Better just to walk out of the room while you calm down.

My e-leaflet Managing Anger will help.

Keep reassuring her that she is safe but do talk to her school, social worker and doctor about specialised help.

Also contact Shelter about your housing situation (, 0808 800 4444).

Partner insists the house has to be clean and his meal ready

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Dear Deidre

I AM fed up with my partner thinking he should not have to do anything in the house.

We have two sons aged three and 18 months.

My partner is 26 and he works long hours but when he gets home I work an evening shift as a carer.

I am 24.

I do everything – all the washing, cleaning and cooking.

He does nothing but insists that the children have to be fed and in bed when he gets home, the house has to be clean and his meal ready.

Then in bed he wants sex.

I never feel like it, because I am exhausted, but I am worried he will get it elsewhere.

DEIDRE SAYS: His attitude sounds 100 years out of date.

He could at least put the children to bed.

Tell him you’d have more energy for sex if he did more of the work at home.

Make a list of what has to be done and ask him to pick the jobs he will take on.

My e-leaflet Standing Up For Yourself will help you.

Why should I bother with you daughter?

Dear Deidre

MY partner has blown the family apart and I feel betrayed.

We have a three-year-old daughter together and I have a daughter, 16, who lives with my ex-wife.

She was working hard for her GCSEs this year and it’s meant she hasn’t seen much of our three-year-old, which annoys my partner.

I am 38, she is 37.

I worked hard to build bridges and it seemed better.

Then my older daughter got her Duke of Edinburgh’s Award.

Everyone congratulated her but my partner refused.

She said: “She doesn’t bother with our daughter, so why should I bother with her?”

It’s caused a lot of hurt and anger.

DEIDRE SAYS: She is reacting as if your older daughter is a love rival.

Help them get closer.

Organise for your 16-year-old to take her little sister for a fun outing and babysit while your partner takes your eldest out for a girlie day as a post-exam treat.

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