Dear Deidre
I HAVE been making the most beautiful love with an old friend but now he says he feels too guilty to continue our affair. I am in physical pain with the heartbreak.

I am 43 and lost my husband a year ago after nursing him for months at home.

5

This man, who is 49, and my husband used to work together and he was a great support.

We all used to go out as a foursome until his marriage broke down three years ago.

After my husband died, he took me out and one day, he confessed he was attracted to me.

I told him I felt the same but he said we could only be friends because his wife and daughter would never understand.

A couple of weeks later he came to see me and said: “I want you so much. We are adults and aren’t harming anyone.”

We made love and it was so wonderful. Our affair carried on for three months, snatching moments here and there.

We knew we needed to be discreet but inevitably I fell in love with him. At last I could see a happy future.

Things were going well, I thought, until one day he told me there could be no more sex or spending time together other than as friends.

He said he felt guilty and was worried his wife would use their daughter against him. They are separated but not divorced.

I was so shocked. I am heartbroken. I thought my life was moving forward at last.

My late husband and I always agreed that, if we ever lost one another, we would hope to find someone kind and loving rather than having a bleak, lonely future.

I have asked my new love to give it more time and he agreed — but nothing has changed.

DEIDRE SAYS: I am so sorry you are suffering all over again but, if the man you have fallen for is determined your relationship can be “friends only”, you have to find ways of moving on.

He is more involved with his estranged wife than he let on initially, or perhaps realised himself.

Now he is pulling back, you can wait a while to see if anything changes – but don’t leave it too long or you will have even more heartache to deal with.

Losing another person you love has probably stirred up the grief of losing your husband.

If you had no bereavement support at the time, contact Cruse Bereavement Care (, 0808 808 1677) and arrange to see one of their counsellors in confidence.

Also try to see your friends and have a social life. Don’t stay at home waiting for your man to ring and say he has changed his mind.

My e-leaflet Mending A Broken Heart will help, too.

CHEATING DAD HAS BEDDED MY GIRL

5

Dear Deidre
MY DAD left his email open and I saw that he and my girlfriend have had sex.

I am 25, my girlfriend is 23. We have been together for a year but we don’t have sex because I am embarrassed about my body and worry about my lack of experience. She is very experienced.

I told my dad what I found and said I didn’t want him to speak to my girlfriend any more. He’s 45.

He has cheated before, with a woman across the road, and we had to move house because of it. My mum forgave him and thinks everything is back to normal.

I am worried about her reaction so I have not told her anything yet, and I don’t know if I should. I don’t want her hurt again.

DEIDRE SAYS: Speak to your dad again and stress that he must stay away from your girlfriend or you will tell your mum.

Do you feel you could ever trust your girlfriend again? Do you want to try to save your relationship?

If so, ask her what led to the fling with your dad. If it’s just about sex, my e-leaflet How To Have Great Sex can ease your worries.

We are all learners at first. She can tell you what feels good.

HOW CAN HE LEAVE ME AND OUR SON?

5

Dear Deidre
I GAVE my partner one chance after another for the sake of our son.

Now he is playing happy families with another girl and her two-year-old daughter and sees nothing of his own child, who is the same age. It breaks my heart.

I found sexy texts on his phone a month after I’d had our baby boy and I kicked him out, but then thought he deserved another chance to be a dad so took him back. I’m 24 and he’s 26.

He was bad. He forced me to perform a sex act on him while I was holding the baby and he videoed it.

And when he discovered I was talking to a girlfriend for support, he threatened to kill me. Now he’s gone and wants nothing to do with me or our child.

How can he walk away from us like that?

DEIDRE SAYS: He’s a deeply damaged man and you and your son are almost certainly better off having no contact with him.

If he does change and tries to fight for contact, do all you can to ensure that it’s not unsupervised.

He can’t be trusted with a child’s welfare. You can find ongoing support at Family Lives (, 0808 800 2222).

If I take a girl back to my flat, I'm a flop in bed

Dear Deidre
I’VE failed in the bedroom with the last 12 girls I’ve been with – and that’s not right for a lad my age.

I’m 22 and I have no problem attracting girls but when I want sex, I can’t keep an erection.

If I take a girl back to my flat, I’m a flop in bed. There’s no way she’ll see me again.

I’m fit and healthy but I’ve always suffered with anxiety and sometimes depression.

Could this be affecting me? I can masturbate normally so why is sex such a big issue?

I’m starting to think I should just stay away from relationships because I’ll never keep anyone at this rate.

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s a common problem. One sexual disaster can knock a guy back and then you’re in a cycle of anxiety about it.

Rather than one-night stands, have a relationship where you can connect with a girl emotionally.

My e-leaflet on Solving Erection Problems will help.

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.  Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on theFacebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

She doesn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either

5

Dear Deidre
I CAME across flirty texts on my husband’s phone and alarm bells started to ring.

I know he has been having a secret friendship with his ex for several years and I am worried it might have gone further than that.

We are in our forties. His ex is a confident, glamorous woman. I knew she would not give him up without a fight.

She doesn’t want him but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him either.

I have asked him to be open about what is going on, but he insists he should be allowed to have his own friends and I should trust him. But these messages make it impossible.

DEIDRE SAYS: Tell your husband you are bound to be upset and suspicious if he is secretive about contact with his ex.

Tell him you are not coping and that he would not be happy if you were sending flirty messages to a man.

Make it clear he has to stop if he wants to keep you.

5