I’ve been having passionate sex with my first love… but how can I leave my lover?

Dear Deidre

I HAVE been meeting up for passionate sex with my first love – but how can I leave a woman I’ve lived with for the past nine years?

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I am a man of 37. The woman I share my life with is 34. I love her but our sex life is a total disaster.

I used to have brilliant sex with my first love and was all too conscious of what I was missing.

Then one day, she contacted me through Facebook.

She told me I was the great love of her life and I was knocked sideways.

We knew one another from school and she was a lovely, funny girl as well as great in bed.

We met for a meal and it became a regular thing.

My partner thought I was down the pub.

The next step was to book a hotel room so we could “talk in private” but there was not much talking.

She is 36 now and as lovely as ever.

I could not wait to get her naked on the bed and ever since that amazing night we have met up for sex whenever we can.

If I leave my partner she will be devastated but she endlessly turns me down for sex

I don’t know what to do.

If I leave my partner she will be devastated but she endlessly turns me down for sex, saying she is weary or wants to watch something late on TV.

Nothing seems to turn her on.

We do not get on very well together, either.

She does not like me going out in the evenings with my mates but she won’t come with me.

We don’t even like the same TV shows.

She watches all the soaps and I cannot bear them.

Everything is right, in and out of bed, with the woman I love.

But she cannot easily leave her partner as she has two teenagers.

DEIDRE SAYS: I can see you both feel trapped but the sooner you face up to the tough choices now involved, the better.

If you simply continue your affair you will be caught out one day and everything will turn sour.

Did you and your partner ever really love one another and enjoy life and sex together?

If so, you could choose to put things right with her.

It would mean telling your lover the affair is off, working to discover what pleasures you and your partner can share and making a determined effort to do something about the sex life you find so unsatisfying.

My e-leaflet called The Real Secrets Of Great Sex can help.

Otherwise, tell your lover that what you two share is too important to be sidelined by practicalities.

But it will mean sharing her with two teenagers who may hate you for breaking up their family home.

In fact, their happiness is another good reason to walk away now and work on your long-term relationship.

Nothing to live for since son died

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Dear Deidre

EVERY day I put on a brave face but I am screaming with pain inside because I lost my sweet little baby boy.

My world was complete when I finally gave birth after two miscarriages.

I am 29. My partner is 30 and was working abroad at the time.

Our son looked fine when I went into his room but I could not wake him.

I am haunted by the memory of those moments.

No reason could be found for his death.

I feel I have nothing to live for.

I spend my days waiting for my partner to come home.

People tell me I should be moving on by now but they have no right when they haven’t experienced losing a child.

I so want to feel well again but all I do is cry.

DEIDRE SAYS: I am so sorry. It’s natural you feel heartbroken but it will help to share your feelings with people who understand.

The Lullaby Trust is there for parents who have lost a child to sudden infant death (, 0808 802 6868).

Confide in your partner.

He too may be putting on a brave face.

Try to plan something for the two of you so you can feel close.

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the  Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

I said I'd wed girl to avoid a scene

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Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend proposed to me in the middle of a family party to celebrate her parents’ silver wedding.

I could hardly reject her in front of everyone but I am not sure I want to marry her.

I do love her but there are massive issues between us.

We both have strong views and neither of us wants to compromise, so we row a lot. I am 22 and she is 21.

She speaks to all her old boyfriends but made me delete my friends’ numbers.

She never admits she is wrong about anything. I always get the blame.

She is planning our wedding for next year.

This scares me because we have only been seeing one another since last summer.

Everything is moving too fast for my liking.

DEIDRE SAYS: It will take courage but you have to speak out.

Pick a quiet moment to talk to your girlfriend.

Take a deep breath and say you are sorry but you do not want to get married so the wedding plans have to stop.

She will react strongly.

Be prepared for another row and to take all the blame (unfairly) but at least you will have your future back.

She prefers social media than talk to me

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Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend would rather scroll through social media posts and videos all day than have a conversation with me.

We used to get on really well. She is expecting our baby, so there is a lot to look forward to.

But she ignores me so much of the time. She is 26 and I am 30.

I need her to understand that she hurts my feelings behaving like this.

There must be some way I can tell her straight without simply repeating what I have said to her in the past.

I feel as though I bore her and I am desperate to go back to how we were, having a close, loving relationship.

Tell her you love her but that a chasm is opening up between you.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is rude to focus on her phone non-stop when you are sitting right there.

It is also a bad habit to get into, as it is damaging for children if their parents focus on their phone instead of them.

No interest in sex with my lover

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Dear Deidre

I HAVE lost all interest in sex with my boyfriend.

It cannot be right for a girl of 20.

He is 22 and we have been together for more than a year.

Sex has not been at all enjoyable for me recently. I am not sure why.

We go to bed and he cuddles me but I push him off.

It is as though I do not like him to touch me or show affection.

I want to get those feelings back but I don’t know how.

I know I must be hurting him when I reject him.

This is the last thing I want, as I love him with all my heart.

DEIDRE SAYS: Was sex great for you before? Did you used to orgasm and now you don’t?

If so, tackle outside factors like stress levels.

But if the problem is that you and your partner have not discovered what turns you on, my e-leaflet Women And Orgasm could be an eye-opener.

Many young people don’t understand what different stimulation women need from men.

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