I’m back with my wife but I still ache for my lover… and even still dream about her

Dear Deidre

I LEFT my wife to be with my lover last year. The sex was brilliant but I longed to be home.

My wife took me back and we are OK but I still ache for the other woman and even find myself dreaming of her.

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I am 41 and my wife is 39. We’ve been married for nine years. We were happy and I never thought I’d be attracted to another woman.

Then I joined a cycling club and met this lovely woman who’s 27. We made one another laugh and I felt so comfortable in her company that we started meeting outside the club.

She turned up for a dinner date one night in a little black dress and I fell for her big-time.

We booked into a hotel and started our affair.

She was by far the most exciting woman in bed I had ever had.

A month later I told my wife I was seeing someone.

She was devastated.

I moved in with my lover a month later.

We had the most passionate relationship.

She made me feel like a young man again.

I was really happy with my lover but then I decided to miss my home comforts and my wife

I was happy but started to miss my home comforts and my lovely wife.

I realised she and I had tickets to a concert we’d been looking forward to.

I had my first real pang of regret.

I told my lover and things changed.

She said I would never get over my wife and I should go back. I left the next day.

My wife has been very understanding.

She is hurt and we are seeing a counsellor but I know we will be all right because we love one another.

I could never admit to still thinking of the other woman.

I just found out my lover has a new man in her life and I feel so sad.

I even feel jealous.

I know I need to move on and I am lucky to have a wonderful wife, so why do I feel so sad about my ex-lover?

DEIDRE SAYS: While your lover was single and available you could allow yourself to dream and hang on to the ego-boosting thoughts that she still wanted you.

But hankering after a married man is a mug’s game.

Your lover sensibly realised it was not just your wife you missed but your whole life. She could not compete.

A big draw to this woman was that, being younger, she made you feel younger too.

Maybe, as all this happened as you hit 40, you have no positive role model of ageing.

Put your energies into starting over.

It is possible to fall back in love.

Your wife can be your exciting lover and you hers.

My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will help.

Teenage trouble

Dear Deidre

I MET a man and there was an instant physical attraction between us but there is a big age gap. Is it wrong for us to be together?

I am 16 and he’s 33.

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We met at a mutual friend’s wedding. We found chatting so easy, we danced all evening and really hit it off.

We have met up three times since. We connect and talk about how we feel all the time.

He has never pressured me into anything sexually because he is worried about the age gap.

No one else knows but we are so happy in one another’s company.

DEIDRE SAYS: You cannot have a relationship in a bubble.

You need to test the strength of what you feel in the glare of your daily lives.

There is nothing morally wrong with such an age gap but he is at a different life stage.

My leaflet Age-Gaps – Do They Matter? will help you decide what to do.

I’m worried my relationship with my girlfriend will fizzle out when she goes to uni next month

Dear Deidre

I’M worried my relationship with my girlfriend will fizzle out when she goes to uni next month.

We are both 18.

The university is 15 miles away.

I have got a job in a hardware superstore with good prospects but I worry our lives are pulling us apart.

I fear she will meet someone else but she says I am being silly.

Am I getting anxious over nothing at all or should I do what I keep thinking about – ending our relationship before I get hurt?

DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t try to prejudge life.

She is reassuring you, so just agree she will tell you if she has a change of heart.

Use this year to concentrate on your own ambitions and maybe work on a new sport or interest so you have lots to chat about to help keep the spark alive between you.

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I've tried his bondage fantasies but he's secretly seen a guy from a bondage site

Dear Deidre

I’VE been happily joining in with my boyfriend’s bondage fantasies but I recently discovered he’s been to see a guy from a bondage site.

I was gutted and my initial reaction was to end our relationship.

He is 33, and I am a woman of 25.

For two years we have enjoyed a great relationship and sex life.

We were talking about seeing a dominatrix but I am upset that he has now secretly met a male S&M specialist.

I’ve decided to give him another chance but it’s on my mind 24/7.

Part of me thinks that I should not have let him off so lightly.

He refuses to talk about it further and cannot understand why I am “overreacting”.

DEIDRE SAYS: Insist you talk and that he be honest.

If he refuses, he has something to hide – maybe his true sexuality.

You have to protect yourself and your sexual health.

Don’t be afraid to walk away if you find the trust has gone.

He's going to leave if I have our child

Dear Deidre

I GOT pregnant while on the Pill and my boyfriend says he will leave me if I keep the baby.

We have been together for two years and have a daughter aged six months.

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He has a son to one ex and a daughter to another. We are both 29.

When we found out about the pregnancy we both agreed I would have a termination.

But I changed my mind when I saw the scans.

He says I must choose between us and our unborn baby.

I find his attitude so harsh and unfair.

He seems not to care about my feelings or the turmoil I am going through.

DEIDRE SAYS: He may be very anxious about the demands of another child.

You must be sure you can cope for the next couple of decades.

Have an open discussion now. My e-leaflet on Unplanned Pregnancy can help.

I told her that I like her but she said she sees me only as a friend

Dear Deidre

I HAVE a crush on a girl at work and it’s driving me mad. I have a wonderful girlfriend and this girl has a boyfriend.

My girlfriend and I are 22.

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We’ve been together for three years, since college. I love her to bits.

Six months ago I got a new job and became pals with two women.

We hang out after work sometimes.

I have become close to one of them. I work with her boyfriend and he’s a good bloke.

I feel jealous when I see them together.

I told her that I like her but she said she sees me only as a friend.

DEIDRE SAYS: You’re just a friend to her so stop imagining romance.

Falling for someone else is as much about your relationship with your own girlfriend as it is the other girl.

Are you in bit of a rut? Is she talking about settling down when you’re not feeling ready?

Take a long, hard look at your life and where it is heading.

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

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Dear Morgan,

I UNDERSTAND it feels tough but you have to accept some responsibility too.
You always knew Tom was married – and you were cheating yourself, after all.
Take the focus off your past fling and instead put some fresh energy into your marriage. If you and Ralph used to be all loved up, you can be again if you really try.
My leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will help you revive the passion at home. Illicit lovers don’t have a monopoly on thrills.

Deidre