I had sex with my ex and now don’t know who is the father to my unborn baby
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I HAD brilliant sex with my ex-boyfriend when I was drunk one evening – it took me right back to the wonderful love life we once had.
But now I have discovered I am pregnant I am so scared the baby might be his and not my current boyfriend’s.
I am 26 and have been with my partner, who is 29, for two years.
He was away doing a charity swim with some mates one weekend, so I went out for the evening and met up with some old friends.
My ex was one of the group.
He is 27.
The moment I woke the next morning I remembered what I had done and could not believe how stupid I’d been
We got chatting about old times and at the end of the evening he offered me a lift home.
This was a big mistake.
He drove us to his place and asked me in.
I ended up drinking too much and spending the night in his bed.
My ex has always been an adventurous lover and, drunk as I was, it still felt good.
But the moment I woke the next morning I remembered what I had done and could not believe how stupid I’d been.
My current boyfriend is the one I love.
When he got home and asked what I had got up to the night before I told him I slept on a girlfriend’s sofa.
He believed me but I am so ashamed.
I told my ex I am pregnant and he says he will stand by me.
He is convinced the baby is his because the dates seem right.
He wants me to tell my boyfriend the truth but I love him dearly and I could not bear to lose him.
He knows I am pregnant and is really happy he is going to be a dad, but I think knowing about my stupid behaviour would be the end of our relationship.
With every day that passes it becomes harder to tell him what happened that night, but keeping quiet is tearing me apart inside.
DEIDRE SAYS: Guilt can make us assume the worst and many people do not really understand the way pregnancy dating works.
Make an appointment right away to see your doctor or the practice midwife.
Take along a note of the dates involved, when you had sex with each of these guys, etc.
If the actual date of conception does not coincide with your having sex with your ex, all well and good.
If it’s not clear, talk to a pregnancy counsellor right away about the issues you face and the choices you have.
If it looks as though the baby is your ex’s you had better be honest with your boyfriend.
Only DNA testing after the birth would then prove one way or the other for sure, and you could be a single parent if your partner finds it impossible to raise another man’s child.
My e-leaflet Unplanned Pregnancy explains where to find help.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
PERSONAL debt in the UK now totals £1.46TRILLION.
The average household owes £6,693, excluding mortgages.
Some people end up in trouble due to redundancy, illness or personal struggles.
My Solving Debt Problems e-leaflet can help. Email me for a copy.
STRESSED OUT BY BULLY OF A BLOKE
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend says I am too sensitive and need to “man up”.
He winds me up then when he can see I am going to snap he says he is joking.
We have been together for two years.
He is 27 and I am 24.
I work long hours and most weekends in retail so I don’t see a lot of him.
We live with his parents and have to do jobs around the house.
This is not a problem but because I am female, he expects me to do all of it.
He says I can move out if I don’t like it, but I have nowhere to go.
If he feels like a quickie and does not get his way, he gets in a strop.
I am so stressed it is affecting my work but I can’t imagine life without him.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you carry on accepting your boyfriend’s bullying behaviour, you will be so stressed you become ill.
You have to stand up to him or end the relationship.
Tell him you deserve better treatment and tell him he is wrecking your love for him.
Tell his parents your boyfriend must do his fair share.
If you do need to move out, Shelter can help with housing problems (/advice, 0808 800 4444).
GIRL HAS TRAPPED ME WITH OUR BABY
Dear Deidre
I KEPT telling my girlfriend I was not ready to start a family but she became casual about contraception without telling me and got pregnant.
She is six months gone.
We have been living together for four years and are 28 and 29.
She came close to being “the one” but doubts crept in.
She always makes decisions without talking to me first.
We are not ready financially for a child and I am not ready mentally.
We were using the natural cycle method of contraception.
She says she did not expect to get pregnant so quickly.
I am ashamed to say I was livid and could not bring myself to speak to her.
I feel trapped.
My love for her has disappeared.
We no longer sleep together.
I want to leave but cannot desert my child.
How do I stay with someone I no longer trust?
DEIDRE SAYS: You are not the first person to be caught out by the natural cycle method.
You were both too casual.
Your child needs two loving parents so get help to deal with your resentment while there are just the two of you and you still have time to talk.
Relate can help (, 0300 100 1234).
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
He’s sworn he’s changed but I worry he may lose his temper in front of my children
Dear Deidre
CHILDREN’S Services have told me they have concerns about my partner’s past.
It seems he was abusive to his kids’ mother and was arrested for assault more than once.
I have really fallen for this guy.
We have been together for three months.
I am 29 and have two children from a previous relationship.
He is 33 and also has two from his past relationship but he doesn’t see them.
He’s sworn he’s changed but I worry he may lose his temper in front of my children and I could lose everything.
Should I trust him, or do I walk away now?
I want to do what is best for my kids.
DEIDRE SAYS: Saying he has changed isn’t enough.
If he lashes out at a child or at you, you risk losing your kids into care.
Take their warning seriously.
If you can’t walk away at least don’t allow him to live with you all, and insist he gets professional help.
His GP can refer him.
I have thought about straying or maybe using a prostitute to fulfil my needs
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend and I were at it like rabbits when we first met two years ago.
Recently she has been saying sex with me is a chore and boring.
I am 26 and have a very high sex drive.
She says my frequent desire for sex is why she hardly ever wants it now.
She is only 23 and I find this hard to understand.
I do not want to cheat but I have thought about straying or maybe using a prostitute to fulfil my needs.
That way I will get the relief and excitement I want and she does not have to be bothered by my demands.
DEIDRE SAYS: Cheating will wreck everything and so will being at odds with one another because you feel you are incompatible where sex is concerned.
The answer is to work out what compromise is best for you both.
Make sure you are giving her real pleasure, not just frequent intercourse.
Go for quality not quantity.
My e-leaflet Different Sex Drives? explains.
