I’m getting married but still pining for the father of my son who won’t be with me

Dear Deidre

I HAVE the most brilliant sex with the guy I love and who is the dad of my son.

He’ll never be with me so I’m marrying someone else.

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I met this man four years ago. He rents a house my dad owns.

When Dad was on holiday I went round to collect the rent.

The attraction between us was instant. We then chatted online and three weeks later, I ended things with my boyfriend as I felt so guilty. I loved this new guy.

He already had a girlfriend but he still wanted me so we started meeting up in secret.

We spent nights together when we could. I’d never experienced sex so good.

I found out I was pregnant after a few weeks. I told him and he was delighted he was to be a dad.

He said he would leave his girlfriend to be with me but he’d need time as she had a boy of two who he loved, although he wasn’t his son.

Soon after my lover dropped the bombshell that his girlfriend was pregnant and he couldn’t leave her. I felt shattered.

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I gave birth to our son with just my mum there. My lover didn’t come near but when we got home he would sneak around to my house and cry and tell me he wanted to be with us.

Somebody told his girlfriend about me and our child and since then, he has been an even better dad.

There are no secrets.

I’m 28 now and he’s 32. I’ve since met someone else, who is a decent guy, but my heart belongs to the father of my son.

We were having an affair even though I am getting married soon. I knew this had to stop and I gave my lover an ultimatum — me or her. He chose her. I’m heartbroken.

He’s now messaging me saying he misses me. I’ve got close to cancelling my wedding but what would be the point?

DEIDRE SAYS: He’s being unfair. He’s made his decision to be with his girlfriend so you must now be firm.

Tell him his messages are making it all feel worse so your phone, Facebook and emails will now be open to your fiancé. He must keep communication strictly to issues about your son.

But you got close to calling the whole wedding off. Do you love your fiancé like you feel you should?

If you’re settling for second best then marrying him may be a mistake. But you could see him in a new light if you properly break with your lover.

Relate could help you be sure (, 0300 100 1234).

WILL HIS EX’S VILE BIGOTRY SPLIT US UP?

Dear Deidre

MY partner’s ex calls me the n-word because I’m mixed race.

I’m not sure whether she’s mad because he’s moved on or if she’s racist. She’s got so angry, he can no longer see his little girl.

I fear his ten-year-old daughter will be influenced by these racist comments.

We are both 40 and I fear his ex will put an end to our relationship.

If he gets to see his daughter and she makes a negative comment about my colour, I’ll go ballistic and he won’t like it.

DEIDRE SAYS: His ex may be racist but his daughter may understand that these comments are not appropriate.

He comes as a package with his child so try to be supportive so he can see her.

Families Need Fathers (, 0300 0300 363) can help.

When you get to see his daughter, being a loving step mum will show his ex your skin colour makes no difference.

 

ALL CUT UP OVER HER HAIR DEMAND

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Dear Deidre

I HAVE split up with my girlfriend yet again because she wants me to have my long hair cut. It’s ridiculous.

She wants commitment but I’m reluctant because we keep falling out about my hair.

I’ve had it cut ten times in five years for her. I’m 42 and she’s 35.

Things had been good for nine months. Then I was driving us back from town when she said: “Get your hair cut.”

I refused. She told me to pull over and stormed off home saying we’re over.

Her friend told me, “Agree to haircuts every eight weeks and she’ll take you back.” Does she really care or is it all about looks?

DEIDRE SAYS: Perhaps she feels that your long hair is a way of saying you don’t want to commit to her and her values, so it feels like rejection.

Tell her you two need to talk about whether you both see a future together and if so, what changes you’d both like to see.

Will we ever get over losing our child?

Dear Deidre

MY husband and I were overjoyed when we had a baby boy after having four girls, but we lost him last year.

He was born two years ago with a genetic disorder. It was horrific when he died.

I’m 33 and my husband is 36. It almost drove us apart but our girls are our little miracles.

Will we ever get over losing our child?

DEIDRE SAYS: You will never forget but it will get easier.

Contact The Compassionate Friends, which helps bereaved parents (, 0345 123 2304).

Tell your girls you value them as much as your son.

My girlfriend was living a double life and lied about her father being ill

Dear Deidre

I THREW out my girlfriend because she hurt me so much. She wants me back but would I be making a mistake if I agree to it?

I’m a guy of 25, she is 22 and a student. We had an amazing relationship.

She moved in within six months but said her dad was sick, so spent weekends driving two hours each way to visit him.

I felt like we were the perfect couple.

I then received a horrible message from a man on Facebook saying I should be ashamed for the hurt I had caused his family.

He accused me of “having an affair” with his son’s girlfriend.

It turned out my girlfriend was leading a double life, staying with another guy while her dad was fit and well.

This other guy found out and ended their relationship but was suicidal.

I’m devastated but I love her. If I tell her to come back, how can I trust her?

DEIDRE SAYS: I doubt you could. She has lied so many times, and claiming her dad was ill was particularly unpleasant.

Do you really feel you love the person you now know her to be, or do you love the dream you had before all her lies?

If you want to try, insist on counselling together to be sure it will be different.

My How Counselling Helps e-leaflet explains more.

Sex is just routine and I’ve never had an orgasm

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Dear Deidre

I’M a woman of 30 and I’ve never had an orgasm. My partner is 35 and sex is just a routine.

I get close to a climax and then it fades.

I’ve sometimes lied to my partner about climaxing. I don’t want to upset him.

There doesn’t seem to be anything physically wrong. Is it all in my head?

DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like you both haven’t found what works for you. Faking makes it more difficult.

Stimulation of the clitoris is the easiest way to orgasm for most women.

My e-leaflet Women And Orgasm helps.

I mixed my drinks and woke up being sick in bed

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Dear Deidre

I HAD the most embarrassing drunken incident of my life in a hotel room and now I can’t face my family.

My brother had a big party in a posh hotel for his 40th.

He has a successful business and a beautiful wife, while I’m seen as the failure of the family.

I’m 37, single and stack shelves in a supermarket. He paid for a room for me.

I’m not used to drinking. I mixed my drinks and it went to my head. I don’t remember going up to my room.

I woke up being sick in bed and had dreadful tummy trouble. I used the loo roll to clean up and in desperation grabbed a towel to wipe myself, then fell back into bed.

I had a phone call from my brother the next day, saying he had been sent photos by staff showing the state of my room.

They said they’d thrown away the towels and sheets and his bill was now £300. He was disgusted with me. I am so ashamed.

DEIDRE SAYS: Is there a family member to act as go-between?

Tell them you are so embarrassed and see if they will talk to him on your behalf.

Apologise and tell him you’ll pay him back, even if you have to do it in instalments.

Write a letter of apology to the hotel management too, explaining that you were too ill to get help.

TEENAGE TROUBLE

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend’s mum sounds absolutely horrible.

I’m a guy of 19 and my girlfriend is 18. She says her mum is abusive and controlling.

She told my girlfriend she felt embarrassed to have her as a daughter, which must be so hard to hear.

We are going to uni and wanted to rent together but her mother won’t hear of it.

My girlfriend is financially dependent on her mum, so what she says goes.

Her dad sounds like a waste of space and never sticks up for his daughter.

I know this relationship may be temporary given our ages but I hate seeing her so upset. I feel powerless.

DEIDRE SAYS: Uni will be a new life for both of you – and it may be no bad thing if you live separately while making new friends.

Could you go to her home to meet her parents? Then they can see what a kind, respectful guy you are.

It could help her long-term. The Mix helps under-25s with any problem (0808 808 4994, ).

 

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Dear Deidre

I FEEL like my friends are bullying me.

I’m a girl of 13 and started a new school last year. I found a nice group of girls but lately they have been horrible to me.

At our sports day I fell over and the girls all stood there mocking me.

They then blamed me because we didn’t win the cup.

When I invited them for a sleepover, they plastered on make-up then made me look like a drag queen.

I’m not fashionable, so when they all changed into their trendy shortie-pyjamas, I just had a long nightdress.

They thought that was hysterical. They’re always making nasty comments. I dread going back to school.

DEIDRE SAYS: Teenage girls can be spiteful and almost every girl experiences bitchiness at some time, especially in school.

Your hormones are all over the place and you’re all trying to establish friendships and identities.

Let their comments roll off your back. You are your own person and that’s OK.

The most successful adults aren’t the trendy ones at school.

Try to find some new friends back at school. My e-leaflet on Coping With Bullying will help.