I’m having amazing sex with a married man – but he’s obsessed
READ Deidre’s personal replies to today’s problems
Dear Deidre
I’VE been having amazing sex with a married man since I was a teenager but I am only just realising how badly he treats me, calling me “slut” all the time and only seeing me for sex.
I was 17 when I first met him in a club.
I am 21 now.
He is 46.
He never wanted anything more than being a “friend with benefits”.
I never found this a problem as I also never wanted anything more than a casual relationship after being abused by a family friend as a child.
My lover and I have never had a proper conversation.
He just talks endlessly about sex and all the things he would like to do.
I know little about him and he knows nothing about me.
What’s opened my eyes is that I have now met a really wonderful guy, also in his forties and divorced.
We met at a music festival, went out on a few dates and things progressed.
He is the first man I have ever trusted and I came clean to him about my issues.
He persuaded me to get professional help and is totally supportive.
We can only see one another once a month, though, and we’re keeping things casual because we live so far apart.
The sex isn’t that special but I have fallen in love with him.
He says he feels the same about me.
I stopped seeing my friend with benefits out of respect for my new man friend but he keeps emailing me for sex.
It is all he ever talks about and all he ever wants.
I realise now how disrespectful he is and how badly he treats me but I had never known anything different.
He was the only “relationship” I’d had since I was abused.
On the other hand the sex is fantastic.
Should I let him back into my life because the sex is so good and I am not technically in a relationship, or should I cut all ties with him?
DEIDRE SAYS: Make a clean break with him or you risk allowing your self-esteem to be dragged down to rock bottom again.
You were probably drawn to him because he is abusive, as was your sexual experience as a child, but you deserve so much better.
The current guy is kinder but I am still worried that you are having sex with him on a casual basis.
What you need is someone who makes you feel loved, cherished and the priority in his life.
Neither of these men is worth your love – but someone out there is.
Contact NAPAC, National Association For People Abused In Childhood.
Talking to someone who understands childhood trauma will help you to see yourself differently and realise you are worth so much more (, 0808 801 0331).
He left me in bed to chase pokemon
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend left me, while I waited in the bedroom, to go chasing a Pokemon.
Surely he’s too old for that stuff?
He’s 34 and I’m 29.
We are both primary school teachers and I always saw him as sensible – until he got the Pokemon Go app.
Capturing Pokemon seems to mean more to him than my company now.
When we go for a walk with the dog he has his eyes glued to his phone.
Last night we were up in the bedroom and having quality time.
He went to get a bottle of wine.
I waited for ages before going to see what was taking so long.
The front door was open and I just saw the back of him walking down the street.
Later he told me he’d caught a rare Pokemon, like that made it OK.
I’m thinking I’m with the wrong man.
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s a time and a place for computer games and that wasn’t it.
Don’t give up on him yet.
The game is a novelty now but you’ll probably find he soon gets bored with it.
Try not to overact but do tell him calmly how hurtful that was.
The next time he wants quality time, insist his phone is switched off.
TOPIC FOR THE DAY
TWO in five women say they are dissatisfied sexually.
Often the problem is neither they nor their partner understand how very different female sexual responses can be from men’s. My e-leaflet How To Thrill A Woman In Bed can help. Email me for a copy.
Jealous over her meetings with ex
Dear Deidre
I LOST my rag when my girlfriend’s ex came to our house one day when I was off work.
I told her it is my house and I like to know who is coming round.
She said I am being childish but I do not think she realises how it makes me feel, knowing she is going out with friends and her ex is there.
He has tried to cause trouble between us in the past but she’s forgiven him.
I am 27, my girlfriend is 26.
The ex has been floating around for two months now.
I told her to have nothing to do with him.
Yet she still hangs around where he goes.
This supposedly makes me the bad guy.
We had a row and she threw me out. I have had no contact with her for days now and it is killing me.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you love your girlfriend and want her back with you, find ways of dealing with your jealousy.
She was your girlfriend, not his, when you had that row and she told you to leave.
Now you have left the field open for him.
Tell her you are sorry, that you love her and want to work out guidelines which will suit you both.
Read my e-leaflet Dealing With Jealousy for tactics so you don’t overreact in future.
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.
Email [email protected], private message me on Facebook, or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE). You can also follow me on Twitter @deardeidre.
I don't want to give up our sex life entirely
Dear Deidre
I HAVE tablets from my doctor for my erection problems but he only gives me four a month.
If I take a tablet before we go out for the evening but my wife is tired and goes to sleep, then the tablet is wasted.
I have thought of buying more tablets so that I have plenty but I am afraid to buy them online as you don’t know what you are getting.
I am 52 and my wife is 48.
I so want to be spontaneous again instead of having to plan for sex in advance and then maybe finding it does not take place.
I get anxious about it, although I try to push it to the back of my mind.
I don’t want to give up our sex life entirely.
DEIDRE SAYS:
Talk to your GP about a private prescription for a more generous supply if the NHS can’t provide it.
My e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems explains self-help steps you can try to sort out your situation without medication.
I always regretted not making more of the chance I had
Dear Deidre
YEARS ago I fancied a man who liked me too – but then he moved away to New Zealand and I didn’t see him for more than ten years.
I always regretted not making more of the chance I had then.
I am 38 now and single.
He’s two years older than me.
To my surprise, he walked in to the chemist where I work the other day.
He told me he has moved back because his dad is not well.
I see him regularly because he comes in for his dad’s prescriptions.
I want him to know I still like him but I am scared in case he doesn’t feel the same.
DEIDRE SAYS:
Next time you see him say you would love to hear all about New Zealand over a coffee.
Then move the chat on to his interests and hobbies.
When there is something that rings bells for you, say you enjoy that too and suggest you go together.
At least you will know you tried.
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