I feel so used after amazing sex with engaged colleague in the bed he shares with his fiancee

Dear Deidre

I ROMPED with a work colleague in the bed he shares with his fiancée.

The sex was amazing but it felt awful being in the flat they share, seeing her belongings everywhere.

I was cursing myself afterwards.

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I am 25 and this colleague is 28.

We work in the same building and often come into contact with one another.

He started flirting with me one day and it all went from there.

He told me straight away that he had a fiancée and that he was happy.

They are getting married next year but he said their sex life had decreased.

He was kind to me at first and spent time getting to know me.

He talked early on about us having sex but I refused, even though I was interested, because I had a boyfriend then.

Then my boyfriend dumped me, this colleague was there for me and I couldn’t resist bedding him.

He took me to the flat he shares with his fiancée when she was away with work and we had awesome sex but there were no kisses or cuddles afterwards.

He just got showered and dressed.

He told me he enjoyed it but he was risking a lot if we carried on.

I said we could carry on if he wanted but he asked me not to contact him, unless he contacted me first.

His fiancée had seen a text from me on his phone which caused them to argue.

There were no kisses or cuddles afterwards

I respected his wishes but didn’t hear from him.

I became angry and, ignoring his wishes, sent him a text stating that if he didn’t want to talk to me again he should just say so.

He responded angrily, saying he would have told me if he never wanted to talk to me again.

He then blocked me on his phone and Facebook.

He ignored me at work so I told myself to move on.

But last week he texted me out of the blue and started flirting again.

He said his phone had been broken.

I didn’t believe him but it didn’t stop me falling for his charms.

We had sex again — at my place this time — but again he ignored me afterwards and has blocked me again.

I keep telling myself that he’s using me but I still can’t stop thinking about him.

DEIDRE SAYS: I know it’s tough but he is using you and you need willpower.

Say you can’t see him again outside work and stick to your guns.

You deserve to be number one in a man’s life so concentrate on improving your social life.

My e-leaflet Your Lover Not Free? will help you think this through.

Erection issues after wife died

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Dear Deidre

I HAVE fallen deeply in love with a wonderful woman but we are making do with just oral sex.

I am 49.

I was happily married for 22 years but my wife died of breast cancer last year.

I thought I would never be happy again.

Recently, though, I met this woman and fell in love.

She says she feels the same.

We want to be physically close but I am having problems.

When I can achieve an erection, it does not last long and I cannot climax.

She says I am making more of this problem than I should.

DEIDRE SAYS:  It is not unusual for someone to find it difficult to feel comfortable having sex with a new partner after a long and happy marriage to someone else.
My e-leaflet Man Who Can’t Climax? explains self-help sex therapy.

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend says marriage is just an expensive piece of paper and he doesn’t ever want to do it.

We’ve been together for six years and have a two-year-old daughter.

I just want that next step and for us to all share the same surname – but now I’m beginning to feel we want different things.

I question where our relationship is going if my boyfriend can’t give me what I want.

I am 26, he is 28.

He always said he didn’t want another child but recently he’s changed his mind as he’d rather that than get married.

Am I wasting my time with him?

DEIDRE SAYS: Having a child together was the real commitment.

If your boyfriend is a good dad it would be irresponsible to walk away from him because he is wary of marriage.

My e-leaflet When Your Man Won’t Commit? will help but don’t have another child together while this is unresolved.

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Dear Deidre

MY wife punched me in the face after I touched her breasts playfully.

Another time she hit me on the head with a pan.

She was cooking dinner at the time and the hot water scalded my neck.

I am 39 and my wife is 36.

We met three years ago and quickly married.

I was so happy at first but we soon began arguing a lot.

My wife became very angry and violent towards me.

We tried to sort things but ended up separating.

We’ve had no contact for six months now but I still love and miss her, despite everything she’s done to me.

DEIDRE SAYS: It’d be dangerous to get back with her unless she has expert help so she can learn to handle her feelings without acting out physically.

You can find support to be sure you’re making the right move, through the Men’s Advice Line (, 0808 801 0327).

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Teenage trouble

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend dumped me and I am struggling to let go.

We have been best friends for years and share lots of mutual friends and interests.

We go to the same sixth-form college.

We finally got together a few months ago and everything was great.

But after a couple of months she said she couldn’t be in a relationship with me, even though she still loves me.

I was gutted.

I will see her every day when we go back to college, so I can’t ignore her.

We are both 17.

I am having a really tough time dealing with this.

DEIDRE SAYS: She couldn’t help discovering that she loves you as a friend, not in a romantic/sexual way.

Maybe she is just not ready for that sort of relationship yet.

Avoid your ex as much as you can for now and get involved in activities where she won’t be.

Someone else will be right for you.

My e-leaflet Teens Guide To Socialising will give you some fresh ideas.

Dear Deidre

I WOULD rather talk to people online than meet up with my friends.

I am a 15-year-old girl.

I feel like it is becoming a problem because I just stay in my room all of the time.

I know my parents are worried because I have heard them talking about it.

I do try to go out but have a constant fear that someone will make a sly remark about me.

DEIDRE SAYS: Where does this fear stem from?

Talk it over with your parents and try to work out practical tactics to help you see your friends, like maybe a fixed time to come home.

There’s information about coping with stress and social anxiety, at – you can chat online, email them or call 0800 1111.

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Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.

Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

You can also private message on the Facebook page.

Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).