I found a dating website on my wife’s secret phone… is she leading a double life?

Dear Deidre

I DISCOVERED quite by chance that my wife has a secret phone.

It was an old one we kept for our granddaughter to play games on. It was left in a box of toys and I never gave it a moment’s thought.

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Then one day I could see my wife was panicking when I arrived home. She had left it lying on the sofa. She rushed from the front door so that she could find it and hide it.

When I next saw it, it was hidden in a kitchen drawer. I switched it on and there she was on the Plenty of Fish dating site. I took it straight to her and confronted her.

At first she denied it. Then she said a friend had set it up for a joke and she thought it had been deleted.

I kept trying to get into the history but could find no record of it having been used — but then she could have deleted everything.

She later confessed that the account was hers, though using a false surname and saying she was separated and looking for a specific type of man.

I also found sexy underwear hidden in our bedroom when I cleared the drawers out to redecorate.

I worry that my wife has not yet ended our relationship only because she has not yet found her new man

She has always said sexy underwear is a waste of time and has worn the most sensible she could buy. She said she felt foolish in anything lacy.

I am 48 and she is 43.

She still has her main phone and spends ages on it, far exceeding the monthly allowance. She got it through a friend though, so no bill comes to the house that I can check.

My wife also has her own bank account but never has statements sent to the house.

She doesn’t want us to split up but she will not discuss any of this any further.

Suddenly she wants to be friendly and to do the house up. I do not know whether I am being paranoid or treated with contempt. I worry that my wife has not yet ended our relationship only because she has not yet found her man. She is prepared to live a lie with me and start a new relationship on false terms.

I am confused and distressed but she does not think she owes me any explanation.

I really do not want to lose my wife but I am constantly worried she may be leading a double life.

DEIDRE SAYS: You have been with him for a huge chunk of your life – and almost no one is all bad. Tell your wife that you have to talk together honestly and constructively, or you can’t see your marriage lasting. My e-leaflet How To Look After Your Relationship will help and 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex can get the spark back.

I'm scared the police will come knocking after I showed my bits on Skype

Dear Deidre

I SHOWED a girl I met on Facebook my bits when we went on Skype for a while. Now she says she has saved the video and posted it on the internet.

I am 30 and this girl is in her twenties. She says I will go to prison and pay a huge fine unless I do as she says.

I have said I will delete her from Facebook and never contact her again if she removes it. She agreed but I do not know if she means it. She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I have never been in any sort of trouble before but I am scared the police will come knocking.

DEIDRE SAYS: You are both over 18 so you haven’t broken any law.

However you have been a victim of a crime – sextortion – often carried out by organised crime gangs overseas.

Contact the police on 101 or the Revenge Porn Helpline for help to get this taken down if need be (, 0845 6000 459).

Teenage trouble

Dear Deidre

I AM a girl of 16 and I recently told my family I have a girlfriend the same age as me.

My parents disapprove so she and I parted and I briefly dated a boy.

I have got back with my girlfriend but my parents still want me to date a guy.

I know I am bisexual but they think it is only to get attention. I now go round to my grandparents’ house a lot as they accept me.

How do I convince my parents I cannot change just because they want me to? I hate having to hide the real me.

DEIDRE SAYS: Your parents may be affected by old prejudices and need to understand more about sexual orientation.

You can all find help with this through FFLAG – Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (, 0845 652 0311).

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Dear Deidre

I CANNOT stop thinking about a girl I was with two years ago.

We were together for ten months when I was 16 and she was 15 but we finished because I thought she was cheating.

She blocked me on social media so I can’t contact her. I would really like to talk to her to clear things up. She was my first love and I still have feelings for her.

My family moved to a different part of the country so there is no easy way of getting to see her.

DEIDRE SAYS: Getting over a lost love is not easy. If you want closure, there must be some way you can send a card just saying you are sorry for the way your relationship ended.

But if the problem is you haven’t met anyone special since and are hoping to rekindle that lost love, it is best to focus on your social life now and meeting someone new. My e-leaflet Moving On will help.

I found my long-lost son... but he doesn't want to know me

Dear Deidre

A WORKMATE told me an ex-girlfriend had a son by me 30 years ago. I am 55.

I searched everywhere for my son. After eight years, I found him but he didn’t want to know me.

His mother married someone else about the time he was born and registered him in her husband’s name. As the child grew up, he just accepted the person he called Dad was his father.

This man was not white so it should have been obvious something was not adding up.

Nevertheless, my son has rejected my attempts to get to know him.

DEIDRE SAYS: It will have been a shock for your son to hear from you. Contact him again in writing so he has a chance to think before he responds.

Say you are there for him any time he wishes to contact you.

For support, contact PAC-UK (, 020 7284 5879).

My friends say I must be having boring sex because I can't orgasm

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Dear Deidre

I HAVE never been able to achieve an orgasm with a man during sex without help from a vibrator.

I have discussed this problem with my friends and they all tell me I must be having very boring sex if I never climax. I find it really embarrassing.

I am 26, my partner is 31. He says it must be me with the problem. I often find I cannot concentrate during sex and a lot things go through my mind. I try to block them but friends say if the sex was good I would not think about other things.

DEIDRE SAYS: Different women’s orgasmic responses vary. If a vibrator helps you, that is fine. It is normal for women to need stimulation of their clitoris to reach orgasm but if you are tense and there are other things on your mind, then it can be difficult to climax. My e-leaflet Orgasm For Women can help you.

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CONTACT DEIRDRE

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.  Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

You can also private message on the  Facebook page.

Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).