My life has fallen to pieces after I was raped by man who walked me home
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I WAS raped by a guy who walked me home after a night out. Later I realised he had spiked my drink. Since then, my life has fallen apart.
I think I will lose my partner for good.
We have been together for three years and were planning to start a family. I am 24, he is 25 and works in IT.
His job takes him abroad a lot, so I am quite often alone and missing him.
Earlier this summer I started a new job while he was away for three months.
I was pretty desperate for company and some fun, so I happily agreed when two of the women at work invited me out.
There were six of us in all, as some guys they knew came along. We had a meal and then more drinks.
One guy was particularly attentive, although I did make sure he knew I had a regular partner.
He walked me home but on the way I was losing my balance and could not speak. I woke up at his place, in his bed.
He had a big grin on his face and I knew right away what had happened.
I reported it and there was to be a court case but the prosecution was dropped at the last minute. I guess it was my word against his.
I am trying my best to move on but my partner seems distant now. He is watching a lot of porn.
I know that is not a big deal but it does get to me, especially with the way I am feeling at the moment.
He has been contacting other women online too and our sex life is at a standstill.
He always comes up with an excuse such as having to be up early next morning.
I am feeling so unattractive and unloved.
I constantly worry he will find someone else and I will lose him altogether if things continue as they are.
DEIDRE SAYS: Whatever lawyers thought, you know the truth of what you have been through.
No wonder you feel hurt and low.
Your partner is confused and suffering too.
He sees you stressed and unhappy, cannot think how to make you feel better and so is feeling useless.
Talk to him about how you feel and ask him about his feelings.
The porn is his escape right now but explain that you are distressed that he is talking to other women and say how much you long to be close again – emotionally and sexually.
Both read my e-leaflet Have You Been Raped? and find help through Rape Crisis (, 0808 802 9999). There can be a happy, secure future ahead.
Tell those friends that this guy is dangerous and the police have him on record.
Dear Deidre
WHEN I see men in porn films they look so well hung, I worry whether mine is big enough at six inches. Surely women prefer a bigger one?
I had a beautiful girlfriend until last year but she went off with a work colleague.
She said our relationship was not working but I think she wanted a guy with a bigger penis.
I have since met a lovely girl of 20. I am 25. How can I ask her out on a date with the object of making her my new girlfriend when all the time I know I am inadequate?
DEIDRE SAYS: Please do not worry. You are within the normal size range and anyway a man can be a fabulous lover whatever his size.
For most women stimulation other than intercourse is usually the most pleasurable part of sex.
My e-leaflets Manhood Too Small? and How To Thrill A Woman In Bed will reassure you that you can be a great lover.
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Dear Deidre
I HAVE discovered my husband had an affair with someone from work. It is eating me up inside.
I am 32, my husband is 34. I have a feeling the affair went on for longer than he admitted and I wonder if everything between us has been a lie.
I decided to forgive him and he did seem genuinely sorry for hurting me.
The trouble is, I know he is in the next office to hers every day and I dread it all starting again.
I am trying my best to move on but what I would really like is for her to disappear from the planet.
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t fire her so put her out of your mind. Instead, look at what you can do to safeguard your marriage.
Talk to your husband about why he cheated and work together to make your marriage stronger, more fun and more satisfying.
Say you need his help to rebuild the trust and help you feel secure again.
Dear Deidre
MY mother phones several times a day asking when I am going to see her.
She is 62 and agoraphobic. When I go round I get tears and am left feeling guilty afterwards.
I am 31 and live with my fiancée who is 28. We have a baby daughter who keeps us awake at night. We also have a son of five.
I work long hours so don’t have much time for visiting family and my stepfather is controlling and manipulative.
My stepfather is controlling and manipulative
He makes things worse by reminding my mum she has not seen me for days.
He only wants to be off out with his mates so he palms her off on her friends and me.
He also bad-mouths me to the rest of the family.
No one appreciates I have a demanding job and a young family.
I am worried this will drive a wedge between me and my fiancée.
DEIDRE SAYS: Tell your stepdad and the family firmly that your children and fiancée must come first but agree to visit your mum at set times each week.
A sleepless baby is always a strain on a relationship so make sure you and your fiancée have time off together now and then.
My e-leaflet Fears and Phobias may help your mum.
Dear Deidre
MY PARTNER is loving and kind but I’m panicking about him moving in with me.
I’m 32 and have made some really bad choices about men in the past.
I met my first boyfriend when I was 16 and we were together for five years. He was a bully and left me with no self-confidence and two sons.
I was alone for four years but my next man was abusive too. One night he physically attacked me.
I’m now with a man who treats me with nothing but respect and says he loves me every single day.
He’s 35 and we’ve been together for a year. He makes me feel happy and safe.
He’s talking about us moving in together and part of me wants to so much, but part of me worries that it’s not going to work.
DEIDRE SAYS: This man may be different but your emotional scars go deep.
Write yourself a list of all the ways this guy is better than your previous partners and look at it whenever you feel anxious.
Be open with him and explain why you’re feeling scared of commitment.
If he genuinely cares, he will be reassuring and give you the time that you need.
CONTACT DEIDRE
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
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