Sex with my new lover is amazing, but why is he keeping me a secret from his wife and child?
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I’VE got a new boyfriend and the sex is amazing. I am crazy about him but his ex and daughter don’t know about us.
Maybe it’s just me being weird but it makes me so annoyed.
I’m 23 and until recently I was going out with a guy my own age.
We were together for three years but I decided to break up with him when I realised I was falling for a man at work.
The new guy is ten years older than me but I fancied him loads from the moment we met.
We hit it off right from the start and I could tell he felt the same about me.
I really felt we were destined to be together so I knew that I had to be free.
I told my boyfriend we had come to the end of the line and then spread the word around the office that I was single again.
The next day the man I fancied said to me: “What’s this I hear about you dumping your boyfriend?”
I said: “Life’s too short to spend with the wrong person.”
He went quiet for a bit then said: “You’re right.” We were both down the pub a month later.
There were loads of us there for a girl’s leaving do.
He was glued to my side the whole night and at the end of the evening he asked me to go back to his place.
I said his wife wouldn’t be pleased but he revealed he was having some time out from her and had got a place of his own.
Of course I went back to his new, tiny home.
It’s a studio flat with no room to turn round in but the sex was a dream and it all felt so right.
Since then we’ve been inseparable and I am desperately happy.
The only thing is that he’s told me to keep it a secret at work and says his wife mustn’t know. Am I crazy to mind about that?
DEIDRE SAYS: This is ringing alarm bells for you – and for me. Secrets are nearly always bad news.
Maybe he will be with you for the long term but don’t count on it. Is he ready to give you commitment and to get a divorce?
It sounds like he is keeping his options open for now.
He may just want a break from domestic routine. If he misses his family life then he could well decide to go home – if his wife will still have him of course.
You have set your sights on a married man and that brings its own problems.
He can’t just dispose of a wife and a child and become a free man.
They are still going to be part of his life even if he does divorce.
Think this all through and talk it through with him too.
You may well decide that you would really rather have someone who is properly free.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
SEXUAL happiness is found to grow the more sex you have, but more than once a week does not make you happier.
However, less than once a week can threaten a relationship.
If yours needs help, email me at the address below for my leaflet Saving Your Sex Life.
I've had enough of wife's drinking
Dear Deidre
I AM at breaking point because of my partner’s drinking but should I stick it out for the sake of our kids?
She usually drinks during the day and is slurring her words and unsteady on her feet by the time I get home.
She gets really nasty with me and the kids, swearing and calling us names. I am on tenterhooks all the time.
She has been like this for 12 years and she’s been physically violent at times.
We are in our early forties with two teenagers. I have tried to persuade her to get help but she always refuses.
I know I can take care of my kids on my own because I’ve done it for years but would I be wrong to call time with their mother?
DEIDRE SAYS: You are right to end your relationship if your partner refuses to get help. It is so damaging for your children.
Tell her you’ve reached the end of the road and tell your children your plans. They need to know they can rely on you.
You can get support from the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, who help anyone concerned about children affected by a parent’s drink problem (, or call 0800 358 3456).
Ditched by dead hubby's old mate
Dear Deidre
MY friend with benefits has dumped me because I don’t want to go public with our relationship.
My husband died 18 months ago. His old friend asked me to lunch and we got on really well.
I’m 48, he’s 51 and divorced. After a few dates I invited him back to my house and we made love that night.
As I am still close to my late husband’s family. I was scared they would think I was moving on too fast, so we agreed to keep things secret.
But last week he stood me up and said it was because he had feelings for me.
I miss him. Should I tell him or was it just an excuse to finish with me?
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds genuine. Tell him you’d like to try having a relationship.
Don’t let your husband’s family make you feel guilty. You are lucky to have found someone who makes you happy.
It doesn’t mean you loved your husband any less.
I feel like Shallow Hal
Dear Deidre
I STRUGGLE to have sex with my new girlfriend. I love her face, her brains and her personality but, as a woman, she does nothing for me.
We are 21 and met last month. She is beautiful, intelligent and we get along well.
She tells me how sexy I am and she wants to have sex all the time.
This ought to be great as I have a very high sex drive but she is a big girl and just not my type.
She feels like my soulmate in so many ways but she simply doesn’t turn me on.
I feel like Shallow Hal but I am finding it hard to get or keep an erection with her.
Will I get to fancy her more given time?
DEIDRE SAYS: Sadly, I doubt it. If she doesn’t turn you on then you shouldn’t be in a sexual relationship with her. It’s not going to work.
Don’t drag this out. She deserves to be loved and desired just the way that she is.
Let her down gently. I hope she can still be a friend.
My boyfriend is spending all his time with his new pal when he should be with me
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend has a new mate at work and he spends all day and most of the night with him. I hardly see him any more.
I’m 24, he’s 26 and works in a garage. Since this new guy joined I don’t get a look in.
He starts his shift early, goes back after dinner and stays until midnight. He says they’re doing up old cars.
He deletes all the texts from this boy from his phone. He says they’re just mates and I trust him but I don’t know what to think.
Our first baby is due. He should be with me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, he should be supporting you and deep down I don’t think you do trust him.
Ask him to read my e-leaflet on Looking After Your Relationship, which should help him understand how much more commitment he needs to show.
If he doesn’t reassure you, you can explore options through Gingerbread, which helps single parents ().
CONTACT DEIDRE
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