I cheated on my boyfriend with his sister – now she’s threatening to tell him if I don’t have sex with her again
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend’s sister put her hand up my shorts when I was up on a chair cleaning windows – I felt so turned on that I kissed her and we ended up having sex.
I’m a 23-year-old gay man and my partner is 25. We’ve been together for two years and I love him. I hope we will get married one day.
He was at work and I had a day off to catch up on all those jobs around the house that just never get done — and that’s when his sister, who is 21, popped by to say hello.
I guessed she had been bored as she stayed for an age and kept chatting to me while I put on some washing and ironed a shirt. I then started work on the windows while she watched and pointed out any bits that I’d missed.
I had my back to the room and almost fell off the chair when her hand touched my leg and slid upwards and into my shorts.
But it made me feel really hot and I just couldn’t stop myself pulling her into my arms.
The sex was amazing. I’ve done it with girls just a couple of times but it went really well.
She said that she’d fancied me a lot all along and, just for a while, things felt cool and all under control. That feeling soon passed and was followed by terrible guilt.
The problem is that she now comes to the flat every time my partner works late and she wants to have sex.
So far I have said no but she says if I don’t then she will tell her brother what’s happened between us.
What do I do? Deep down I know I’m not straight, it was just a mad one-off and I don’t want to do it again.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m glad that you’re clear about that at least but whether you’re gay or straight or bisexual, cheating is cheating – whoever it may be with.
That was a weak moment with a dangerously needy person. She must be very unhappy to play fast and loose with the feelings of other people like that – especially those so close to her.
If seems like she needed to prove to herself that she could turn a man on – and not just any available man but the gay partner of her brother.
What’s going on in her life? Why is she stooping so low?
You too were way out of line when you took her to bed. But as bad as things are now, they’ll be even worse if you do it again.
Whatever you do, don’t give in to her threats. Be calm and be clear that you’re sorry you made a mistake and it’s not going to happen again.
Keep clear of her now and don’t be at home when she calls. I doubt she’ll be telling her brother somehow.
Dear Deidre
I MAKE any excuse to avoid sex with my husband. I love him so much but I don’t find him sexually attractive.
We’ve been married for two years and have a one-year-old girl. I really want another child but this is becoming a problem. He always pesters me for sex but I just don’t enjoy it.
We never do foreplay or anything sexy, so the sex is just dull. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve lost confidence since having my daughter. I really need help because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I feel like this about. We’re both 26.
DEIDRE SAYS: You love the man but you don’t like the way he has sex with you. Has he got lazy, or has it always been like this?
Sex without foreplay isn’t loving or fun, and that’s got to change. My e-leaflets Exciting Foreplay and How To Have Great Sex will help.
Read them together or just by yourself so that you can explain what you want.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
THREE out of four girls aged 11 to 21 suffer low self-esteem.
That can mean they struggle at school or work and sometimes put up with poor treatment or even violence in relationships.
My e-leaflet Raising Self- Esteem can help, guys too.
Email me for a copy.
Dear Deidre
MY ex is expecting my baby next month.
I said I would help as much as I can but she says she might have it adopted.
We’re both 19 and were only together for six months. We weren’t planning on having a baby but I was still thrilled.
Then she ended the relationship two months ago, saying it was all a mistake – and that I will not be on the birth certificate.
I am so upset about this because that baby is my child and I want it to know that I am its father.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is all about what is best for the child. As you’re not married it’s the mum’s responsibility to register the birth.
Seek legal advice about being named on the birth certificate and having parental responsibility, but tread gently with your ex, who will be feeling strained right now.
Start by talking to Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend’s driving is so fast and aggressive, he scares me to death. I’ve been with him for two years but just lately he’s changed and it shows in the way he drives.
I’m 22 and he’s 25. We’ve come close to crashing way too many times. I may feel depressed now and then but I know I don’t want to die.
I thought we’d get married one day but the more time goes by, the surer I feel that this isn’t the future I want.
I’ve wanted to end it with him for a while but I’ve stayed for his sake. I’m not sure he could cope on his own.
I’ve met a new man and we’ve flirted but only kissed once. It felt amazing and right and I felt so alive.
How can I stay with my boyfriend when I’ve kissed someone else?
DEIDRE SAYS: How can you stay with a man who endangers your life?
He’s shown you again and again that he can’t be trusted to drive safely.
You need to get out of his life while you can. Don’t waste your time feeling guilty or worrying if he can cope. You already know he isn’t the right man for you.
You don’t need a new man lined up, you just need to get yourself free.
Dear Deidre
MY girlfriend is in Menorca with two other girls. She messages me all the time but I still feel jealous and scared.
I’m 24, she’s 22, we’ve been together for four months and it’s going well. My previous girlfriend cheated on me for a year, as I finally found out.
My new girl would never do that. I really do feel she’s an honest and genuine girl. I’ve met the girls she’s on holiday with and they’re really nice.
I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. If I don’t hear from her for just one day, I start getting negative thoughts like I don’t want to see her again, which is mad, as I really do love her and can’t wait to see her again.
I don’t want to feel jealous like this but I do, and I need help to change.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been badly hurt in the past and you’re bracing yourself to be hurt again. It’s a natural reaction to pain.
While your girlfriend is away, make a list of all the ways she is different from your ex. When those negative thoughts start to sting, read the list and get up and get busy. Put on the washing or go for a run.
My e-leaflet Dealing With Jealousy will help you to heal.
CONTACT DEIDRE
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
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