I love waking up next to my new fling – but he’s my sister’s ex and I’m not sure I should be with him
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I HAVE been having mind-blowing sex with a guy who is my sister’s ex and the father of her child.
Does this make him off-limits?
He is 29 and I am 23.
We have always got on well, since before he began seeing my sister.
She is 27.
They lived together for a while and had a little girl who is now four.
My sister does not speak to anyone else in the family now.
She has a new boyfriend and has moved away.
She does not speak to her ex either.
It was a terrible relationship and my family went through hell while they were together and when they split.
I knew this guy before he knew my family but I was still in my teens and way too young for him.
I really fell for him but thought he’d never want me.
When my sister set eyes on him she swooped in.
I was heartbroken but I moved on and found a partner of my own.
I then went out with a series of guys who treated me horrendously.
One of them was very abusive.
I felt I did not deserve any better.
I realise now my self-esteem was at rock bottom.
Then one evening I met my sister’s ex in the pub by chance.
He was so easy to get on with and, by the end of the evening, I realised I still loved him.
He seemed interested in me too.
We met up again and then again, and we ended up having sex at his place.
I stayed the night and it was wonderful waking up next to this man I had loved and admired from afar for so long.
We have been seeing each other since.
He is amazing and so different from the other guys I have been close to.
Am I wrong for sleeping with him?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve done no wrong.
You are both free.
However, when it gets out that you and he are seeing one another, your family may be up in arms.
It would be best for his daughter if he saw her regularly.
You’d need to be sure you could encourage that.
You say you have made mistakes in choosing men in the past, so you also need to be sure this guy is not just using you before breaking your heart like previous boyfriends have.
He could have seized an opportunity when he saw how you reacted to him in the pub.
So take it very steadily.
Avoid living your life around him.
Use reliable contraception, see other friends and have a social life – but good luck!
Mother-in-law treats me like doormat
Dear Deidre
I HAVE a problem with my mother-in-law that I worry could ruin my relationship with my husband.
She has never liked me because I am from Romania and “not good enough” for her son.
I am 28, he is 30.
I try to be nice to his mother and treat her like family.
I ignore her mean comments but I can’t put up with it much longer.
I asked my husband to talk to her but he says he does not want to upset her.
Friends tell me to treat her the way she treats me, but I just want us to get along without being made to feel I am a doormat.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband feels stuck in the middle of the two women he is closest to.
Deal with her directly.
Tell her you love her son so in return, you would like her to acknowledge that you are the woman he has chosen to share his life with.
This may be enough to make her change.
Fat chance of keeping it up
Dear Deidre
I HAVE a problem getting and keeping an erection when I’m with a slim, attractive girl.
I never have any problems with less attractive or overweight ones.
I am 20, fit, active and healthy.
In the past few years I have had nine sexual partners.
With some of them things have gone well, with others I have been a disaster and it all has to do with how the girl looks.
With three women who had bodies like models, I was not able to get an erection at all.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve worried yourself into a state.
Casual sex outside a relationship is a recipe for sexual anxiety because then the sex is all about performance rather than how you feel about a caring partner.
Work on finding yourself one of those, whether she be fat or thin, and sex will become rewarding again.
My e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems will help.
CONTACT DEIDRE
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I don't like my wife any more now nothing I do is good enough
Dear Deidre
MY wife moans that she feels like a cook, cleaner and babysitter.
I do my best to help around the house but she just criticises everything I do.
When I get home from work, I put our son to bed, read him a story then go to the gym for an hour.
Our son is six and we have a baby boy.
We are 24 and 28.
She criticises how I load the dishwasher, fold the baby’s clothing, everything.
She tells me I am disrespectful and ignorant.
All this is untrue.
I have bought us a home and try to be a loving dad.
I work hard.
I ask her to explain what I do wrong but she refuses to elaborate.
I am at breaking point.
She is someone I no longer like, but the thought of not living with my sons fills me with dread.
DEIDRE SAYS: She sounds depressed.
She is at home with the kids all day – stressful enough, but for someone depressed, it can be awful.
You may have to cut down the gym a bit.
Coming home then going out again leaves her alone too much.
If she has been like this since the baby was born, it could be post-natal depression.
Urge her to see her GP and contact the Association For Post-Natal Illness (apni.org, 020 7386 0868).
Scared of a future alone if I leave drunk husband
Dear Deidre
MY husband and I had a big row after he had been out drinking and he said he was going to throw himself under a train.
I dialled 999.
He came home eventually and I got a ticking off from the police but nothing changed.
He still goes out drinking at weekends and becomes rude and nasty to me and our teenagers.
They look at him with disgust.
We have been married for 20 years and are 43 and 47.
I am not sure if I love him any more but I worry about stupid things like who will cut the grass, redecorate, etc.
We never have sex.
The only physical closeness is the odd peck on the cheek.
I have talked to him and there have been tears and promises but nothing improves.
I want to finish things and ask him to go but I am scared of the future.
DEIDRE SAYS: You can’t live with someone you no longer love, and who is rude and nasty to you and your kids, for the sake of someone to cut the grass.
And you cannot solve your husband’s addiction problem for him.
Only he can change his ways.
My e-leaflet Dealing With A Problem Drinker? will help, as will Thinking Of Divorce? if you decide you have had enough.
Terrified my family is falling apart
Dear Deidre
MY dad is seeing another woman behind Mum’s back.
I’ve seen texts – she said she loves that he is getting closer to her every day.
I am a girl of 13 with a brother of 15.
I thought the text was a joke then I looked at Dad’s phone to see if there were any more and I saw one which said he is the sexiest boyfriend ever.
I burst into tears.
I never thought Dad would do something like this.
I made a fake Facebook account and messaged him, accusing him of having an affair.
He did seem a bit shaken but that is all.
My brother was angry but said to forget about it.
Should I tell my mum?
I cry myself to sleep and think about running away.
DEIDRE SAYS: It would not be a good idea to tell your mum what you know.
Talk to your dad instead.
Tell him what you know and say you cannot sleep for fear of the family breaking up.
I hope he can reassure you but my e-leaflet Worried About Mum And Dad? explains where you can find support.
How can I help friend get away from abusive boyfriend
Dear Deidre
MY best friend’s mother has forbidden her from seeing a boy who is horrible to her.
They are still in contact and I don’t know what to do about it.
I am a boy of 17 and he is the same age as me.
My best friend is 16.
They get into terrible arguments.
Recently at a mate’s house, he said she was a sl*g and told her to kill herself.
She hit him and then he tried to strangle her.
I intervened and he threatened to stab me.
This sort of situation happens daily and I am very worried for my friend.
He plays with her mind and treats her like s**t.
It has to stop before she gets hurt.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your friend is at real risk here and you can’t carry the responsibility for what is happening.
Tell her you will have to inform her mother she is still seeing this boy unless she puts an immediate stop to it now.
Ask her why she wants to carry on seeing a boy who is so horrible to her.
Tell her she deserves better.
Urge her to talk to Childline (childline.org.uk, 0800 1111) and to tell the police.
Debts could spoil new boyfriend's plans
Dear Deidre
I AM nearly £10,000 in debt but I can’t bring myself to tell my new partner.
We are in our late twenties and have been together for three months.
He wants us to buy a house together and I don’t want to ruin his plans.
DEIDRE SAYS: Make today the day.
Start by saying you have something difficult to tell him and make a clean slate of it.
He may be relieved you’re not having an affair!
My leaflet Solving Debt Problems will help and you can still make plans – just for further into the future.
Dear Edie
YOU can chuck Jim out but, if you want to stay with him, I am afraid what happens next is largely out of your hands.
Is Mia going to have this baby?
How does Jim feel about being a dad?
Remember it’s not the baby’s fault.
All children deserve a supportive and involved dad.
That doesn’t mean he can’t still be with you.
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