I had sex with my best friend’s long-term ex – and now I have to keep it a painful secret

Dear Deidre

I HAD sex one night with my best friend’s former long-term boyfriend.

It was wonderful and he’s all I can think about.

But I do not want my mate to hate me, so I now have to keep reminding myself that it must remain a secret.

6

I am 24 and so is my friend.

We were at school together and then college and are still very close.

She was going out with this guy for six years.

He is 25.

She made the decision to end it but they finished on reasonably good terms.

I thought she had done the right thing but I did not say anything at the time, as it was her relationship and her decision.

He is very dishy though and I wondered then how she could bear to dump him.

I had a party for my birthday and, to my surprise, he came along.

My friend was away on holiday.

He danced with me and held me close.

It felt good and I remembered my mate saying what a great lover he was.

I suppose it was the atmosphere, the music and the alcohol but all I could think about was whether he really was as fantastic in bed as she said.

6

The others went home and as he was moving towards the door I heard myself suggesting he stayed the night.

It really was not like me.

He agreed and we went upstairs.

I have a spare room but I indicated my bedroom and he smiled.

We had a wonderful night, eventually slept a bit and then had sex again the following morning.

No problem there, but what am I going to say to my friend?

Her ex and I have been together ever since.

Whenever he is free he comes to my place.

So far we have not been caught out but I guess it is only a matter of time.

DEIDRE SAYS: You have to find a way of telling her what is going on, otherwise she is likely to hear from someone else and then she will feel even more deceived.

She had parted from this guy so he is free to go out with you.

Don’t make it seem as if you have something to be ashamed about by keeping it secret.

Talk to him first.

Explain that you feel you must tell your friend and that the story will then be out.

He needs to be ready for the fallout if there is anger splashing around.

Ask him too where he feels you and he are going.

If he sees it as just casual sex and nothing more, you would be wise to tell him it is over, lose him and keep your mate.

Be careful when you tell her.

Make it somewhere quiet so she can let her emotions out if she needs to.

There may be a little bit of her that still loves him.

Will my boyfriend ever truly love me?

6

Dear Deidre

RECENTLY, I discovered a message my boyfriend sent to his ex on his phone, saying he will never love me like he did her and that I do not make him as happy as she did.

We are both 26, have been in a relationship for two years and are planning to move in together.

I’m horrified by what I have found.

When I questioned him, he said his ex was nuts, that he was a fool to listen to her and he has now blocked her.

The trouble is, I cannot get what he said out of my head.

We sit down and talk about it and I feel better for a few days, then it all comes back.

DEIDRE SAYS: Tell your boyfriend you will need lots of reassurance but also that you are working on getting it into perspective.

Focus on improving your relationship so you can both be confident the other won’t feel tempted to stray.

Do you both regularly say “I love you,” have fun time together, enjoy a satisfying sex life?

I can't satisfy my girlfriend in bed

6

Dear Deidre

I THOUGHT my lovely girlfriend and I had a great sex life but now she tells me she has to give herself an orgasm afterwards.

I feel totally inadequate.

We are 33 and 36 and have been living together for five years.

We get on well and I thought we were ideally suited to one another.

I now feel I am a rotten lover and cannot satisfy her.

She has never complained before and I am thinking maybe she is deliberately trying to hurt me because I have a small penis.

I have always known I am lacking in this department but I thought it was not an issue.

Now I am shattered.

DEIDRE SAYS: Being a good lover is not about the size of your manhood.

But your girlfriend needs to be honest about her level of satisfaction if you are both to enjoy a fulfilling sex life.

Most women reach orgasm more easily through stimulation other than intercourse.

My e-leaflet Help Your Partner Reach Orgasm explains.

CONTACT DEIDRE

Got a problem?  Write to Deidre here.  Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

You can also private message on the  Facebook page.

Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).

Keen for baby but does she want me?

6

Dear Deidre

MY girlfriend has announced she wants a baby next year.

She says she cannot wait any longer.

We’ve been together for two years and I want a child eventually, but next year is too soon.

I am 32, my girlfriend is 30.

We live together but she is not interested in buying a home together and she doesn’t want to get married.

Having a baby is filling all her thoughts.

She worries she will be too old to if we wait.

We do care about each other but she cannot see my side.

I feel pressured.

When I said I’d like a baby in two years’ time she said that was too vague.

She says if there is no progress in six months she will have to find someone else.

DEIDRE SAYS: Her mind is set about having a baby but is she just as committed to being with you?

It sounds as if you’ve got a few doubts.

There may be a lack of enthusiasm on your part which your girlfriend is picking up on.

Talk through your long- term goals.

If they match, suggest you both speak to Fertility Network UK to prove you’re not wasting her time (01424 732 361, ).

Who is mystery woman in sexy holiday pics?

6

Dear Deidre

I’VE found out my husband was on holiday with friends when he told me he was going on a business trip.

I snooped on his laptop and saw pictures of a woman in a sexy pose.

I confronted him and he said he does not love me and would rather spend time with his mates than me.

He insisted the woman was nobody in particular.

I mentioned divorce but he said he’s not going anywhere, as he can’t afford to move out and doesn’t want to leave our daughter, who’s 12.

Our house is jointly owned so he says he has the right to stay.

I am 35 and he is 38.

I am crazy with suspicion but part of me still loves him and wants a reconciliation.

DEIDRE SAYS: Yours must be a very tense home – and that is not good for your daughter.

For her sake, you and your husband need to sort things out properly.

Tell him you are desperately unhappy and cannot continue like this.

Suggest you see a Relate counsellor together (relate.org.uk, 0300 100 1234).

My e-leaflet When Parents Fall Out will help you both understand your daughter’s needs and feelings at this tough time.