Dear Deidre

I HAD drunken sex with a guy I used to work with but I felt so guilty I told my husband everything a few days later.

He was angry and sad and I’m worried he won’t be able to look at me in the same way again.

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I am 27 and my husband is 29. We’ve been married for five years and have a two-year-old son.

I went on a rare night out with some colleagues and I sat next to a guy who used to work in accounts with me.

I didn’t really know him that well as I left to go on maternity leave at about the time he started. He is a bit older than me and very good-looking.

We chatted all night and I must admit I did flirt with him. I ended up drinking way too much.

He suggested we go for a drink together after the meal and I agreed, so he ordered a taxi.

In the cab, he reached over to kiss me and suggested we go back to his flat. I agreed but told myself it was for a quick coffee.

We started kissing as soon as we got through the door and ended up having the most amazing sex — though I was very drunk. I then got a taxi home.

My husband didn’t question why I was so late but I felt awful for the next few days.

In the end I told him about it, as I didn’t want our marriage to be based on lies.

I hate myself for doing what I did and I hate myself for hurting him. My husband won’t come near me at the moment.

He says he just needs time and has assured me he doesn’t want to leave me.

I desperately want our marriage to get back on track. Is it possible or is this the beginning of the end?

DEIDRE SAYS: It is possible to come back from a crisis like this so don’t despair.

There was no excuse for what you did but most people have acted rashly and regretted it.

The trust with your husband has been shattered. If he won’t talk to you, write him a letter asking for his forgiveness.

Say you lost the plot but you want to get your marriage back on track. If this truly was just a one-off, then your love will survive.

You will have to stick at being ultra-loving, completely truthful and trustworthy for him to start to have faith again.

Make sure your sex life is active and fulfilling to lessen any temptation – for either of you.

My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you both but see a Relate counsellor if you need to (, 0300 100 1234).

Girl goes cold without cash

Dear Deidre

IF I refuse to give my girlfriend money, she makes excuses not to meet up.

We met two years ago on a dating site. It is very on-off. Every time we meet up she asks for money, although her family live close by.

I get frustrated but I don’t hear from her for a while if I say no. She says she suffers from anxiety and panic attacks and is unemployed.

She’s just been in touch to tell me she has been diagnosed with depression.

I am 28, she is 27. I feel sorry for her but I get nothing from this relationship.

DEIDRE SAYS: You are right to keep your wallet closed. Stop bailing her out.

It only encourages dependency, which does not help her long-term. It’s sad she is ill but she has family nearby.

You are not responsible for what happens to her.

If the relationship isn’t working, let her down gently. My e-leaflet Ending A Relationship will help.

Husband wants second chance

Dear Deidre

A WEEK after I discovered he’d been cheating, my husband booked a ticket to Canada. I was devastated.

But now he wants to come back home.

I am 34 and he is 36. We have a son aged ten.

I was in a mess for a bit and I have gradually started to live my life without him.

Now he has sent me a message telling me he made a massive mistake and wants to come home.

He says he will do anything to win me back but I know my family will disown me if we get together again.

They have been very supportive and saw me at my worst after he left. I don’t know what to do.

DEIDRE SAYS: Do not let your family rule your life. The key question is whether this was a one-off blip or a pattern in your husband’s self-centredness.

Tell him he only gets another chance if he’s prepared to rebuild your trust.

My fiancée can’t get an erection and we are getting married in a month

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Dear Deidre

I’M getting married in a month but my fiancée can’t get an erection whatever we try. I think the problem is psychological, not physical, but he won’t go to his doctor.

I am 36 and he is 38. We have been together for three years.

He didn’t have sex with his previous wife for a long time as she was very ill.

DEIDRE SAYS: He is frightened of failing and that can play havoc with how his body responds.

Take it back a few steps to build trust.

My e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems explains self-help.

Is my wife having an affair with our daughter's boyfriend?

Dear Deidre

MY wife threw me out and then did the same to our daughter – but kept our daughter’s boyfriend living with her.

My daughter and I are sure they have been having an affair.

I am 48 and my wife is 44. We have been together for 23 years. We have a lovely girl of 20.

Her boyfriend came to live with us. He and my wife began spending a lot of time together when me and my daughter had gone to bed – we had to get up early for work.

After my wife threw us out, I rented a flat for my daughter as she was pregnant.

Her boyfriend has now moved in with her. My wife spends every evening round there and then the boyfriend takes her home.

My daughter doesn’t trust them but we have no proof. Do you think my wife tried to swap me for a boy of 21?

DEIDRE SAYS: You may never know the truth but it does sound as though your wife’s head has been turned, even if they are not actually having an affair.

I doubt she would listen to you at present but your daughter might shame her into backing off.

Don’t pressure your daughter though, she has to make her own decisions.

My e-leaflet Moving On will help you.

Should my husband and I have a threesome?

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Dear Deidre

SHOULD my husband and I spice up our sex life with a threesome?

We have been married for 12 years. I am 34 and he is 36. Our sex life is fantastic but do we need to take it up a level?

Will it ruin our relationship or make it stronger?

DEIDRE SAYS: Bad idea. Reality isn’t like the fantasy.

Getting others involved in your sex life can seem like harmless fun but it often results in real pain and lasting resentment.

My e-leaflet Thinking Of A Threesome? will help you think this through.

My daughter is out of control around boys

Dear Deidre

I’M being pushed over the edge by my daughter’s antics around boys.

She’s 16 and I have a son of 14, too. Their dad was killed in a motorway acci­dent two years ago.

It was very distressing for them.

My daughter should be thinking of school but she only seems to care about boys. She stays out late and sneaks lads upstairs.

She also messes around with other girls’ boyfriends and gets in no end of trouble with friends.

I have a great partner but he lives 100 miles away.

I’m planning that we all move in with him in the next six months – though I haven’t yet told him how much of a problem my daughter can be.

DEIDRE SAYS: She is hurting like mad and now it must seem like her dad is being replaced.

Please pause your romance just for now and think more about her.

She’s crying out for attention and love. Did she have proper support when her dad died?

See Cruse Bereavement Care (, 0808 808 1677). They also have a website especially for young people ().

Don’t rush into major decisions while your loss is quite recent and raw.

BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.

Teenage trouble

My sick mum has turned into a horrible person

Dear Deidre

MUM is in a lot of pain and I feel terrible about leaving home for university, but she makes it worse by shouting at me.

I’m a boy of 18 and my sister is 16. Mum is 40 and was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis four years ago.

She’s changed, picking fights and shouting at me, saying I am a horrible person. She sulks for days.

It’s devastating. The rows can be over tiny things.

I understand she’s in pain but I try to help. It’s like she wants control over my life.

DEIDRE SAYS: It is hard dealing with unpredictable and painful MS symptoms – sometimes family end up on the receiving end.

Don’t let it spoil your future. You worked hard to go to uni.

Your mum may be worried about how she’ll manage without you.

Tell her you love her but if she makes unjust criticisms, let them roll off your back.

Get support from the MS Society (, 0808 800 8000).

My boyfriend has cheated on me five times but I still love him

Dear Deidre

MY boyfriend cheated on me on dating websites. Now he’s broken up with me, saying he can’t handle the rows. But I still love him.

He cheated on me at least five times and it changed me. I question him now about where he’s going.

For the past month or so we’ve hardly spent any time together.

All he seems to want to do is hang out with his friends and come back at stupid hours in the morning and get just three hours’ sleep.

I am 17 and he is 18. We’ve been together for a year. He says he doesn’t want anyone else but me.

His mum says he behaves like this when he’s tired. She says I should give him time and space to fix the trust but I’m scared he’s already moving on and lying about only wanting me.

DEIDRE SAYS: He’s not a toddler! His mum may be making excuses for him but he is an adult and has been treating you horribly.

He certainly doesn’t make you feel you are at the centre of his life.

Tell him that either you two have a real relationship and see one another regularly or it’s over.

So many great guys out there will appreciate you.

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