I left my job but I can’t quit sex with my boss… but my boyfriend is talking about marriage
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I WENT to a former colleague’s leaving do and ended up having fantastic sex with my old boss, even though my boyfriend is talking about getting married.
I fancied my boss right from the first day we started working together.
We would flirt heavily and sneak off to grope each other — but it never got to full sex back then.
In the end I left that job because I knew we would end up sleeping together if I stayed and we were both in relationships.
I have been with my boyfriend for three years and he treats me like a princess.
He is 29 and I am 27. We have discussed getting engaged and starting a family.
One of my former colleagues was leaving three months ago and she invited me along to her farewell party.
My old boss was there. He is 41 and he looked really hot.
He made a fuss of me and offered me a lift home at the end of the evening. He stopped at a beauty spot and we started kissing.
Then we had sex in the back of his car. It was amazing and we agreed to meet again for sex.
My boyfriend works late two evenings a week and I text my ex-boss when I am alone to meet up for sex.
He sneaks round our house — we never go out together or go anywhere else.
I love my boyfriend and I know I am lucky to have him in my life but I find it impossible to stop seeing my old boss because sex with him is so much better.
I only have sex with my boyfriend now because I feel I ought to and I fantasise about being with my old boss when I do.
He has just finished with his girlfriend but he says he does not want another relationship, just a bit of fun. I know deep down that for him it is only sex.
Part of me wants to see whether things could work out with him but then I look at my boyfriend and realise how lucky I am.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are dicing with your future. You know the affair with your boss is going nowhere.
He has told you that he does not want a relationship. This is only about sex for him.
Look at why you are following such a risky and self-destructive path. Lust is a strong driver and secret sex can feel very exciting – but you know this is going to end in tears.
Tell your former boss that your affair is over, delete his number from your phone and don’t be tempted to go back there.
Your sexual interest in your boyfriend may well revive once your lover is out of your life.
If you struggle, my e-leaflet The Real Secrets of Great Sex will help you.
I crave revenge for old affair
Dear Deidre
NEVER got to punish the man my wife cheated with nearly 20 years ago.
It eats into me that his marriage has gone undamaged while mine suffered so badly.
I had no idea my wife was cheating until my sister saw them together and told me. I tackled my wife and she confessed.
She said they had oral sex but not full sex.
We nearly split up but stayed together for the sake of our children. I thought we were over it long ago. I am 44 now and she is 43.
But it has hit me hard again after all these years and I keep dissecting it. I have lots of questions which I did not ask at the time. The doctor says I am depressed.
DEIDRE SAYS: You pushed down a lot of anger and doubt at the time in order to save your family life but they have been eating away inside you for nearly two decades. Your depression is the result.
But the answer isn’t to punish the other man or cross-examine your wife but to let out all that distress and anger safely.
Ask your GP to organise counselling or get in touch with Relate (, 0300 100 1234).
My wife keeps asking whether I’ve forgotten how to have sex
Dear Deidre
MY wife keeps asking whether I’ve forgotten how to have sex.
I am avoiding sex at the moment because I keep losing my erection. I ask myself, “What is the point of trying if I am just going to fail?”
I dread going to bed because I don’t want to argue about it every night. It is stressing us both out.
I am 33, my wife is 32 and it has been a problem on and off for most of the eight years we have been married. She has no idea how much her comments hurt me.
I love her and hate the thought of losing her but I think that will happen if the sex thing does not improve.
DEIDRE SAYS:Your wife probably feels insecure and rejected, so reassure her that your erection problems don’t reflect a lack of love.
Tell her that her comments hurt your sexual confidence. My e-leaflet Solving Erection Problems explains treatment and will help her understand what is going on.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
Ditched for not having his child
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend has been cheating on me because I can’t have his baby. He’s broken my heart.
I have been with my boyfriend since I was 17 and had a termination when I was 18 because he insisted.
He said he would leave me if I refused. I was very ill afterwards with an infection.
I am 20 now and my boyfriend is 23. He says he wants us to have a baby now but we have had no luck.
I worried that he would leave me if I could not give him what he wanted and I was right.
He has been seeing his mate’s sister.
I found out when I saw some texts on his phone.
Now he says he wants nothing more to do with me, that I am not what he wants and have not been for a very long time.
How can I get over it?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend is such bad news. I promise you that in a while you will realise how much better off you are with him out of your life. You can do far better than him.
My e-leaflet Termination You Regret? will help you find support. Then get out with your friends and put him behind you.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
I am always moody and recently I threw my phone at my boyfriend for no reason
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend says he doesn’t know whether he is coming or going with me.
I am always moody and I am pushing him away. I can be fine one minute, then I snap. I am like this with everyone.
I have no idea why I am like this. I hate it. Sometimes I just cannot be bothered listening to people talk, as it starts to irritate me, then I get up and walk out of the room.
I am 22. My boyfriend is 24. He was talking about his day recently and I threw my phone at him for no reason. I am never in the mood for sex either and I am scared he will leave me unless I change.
DEIDRE SAYS: A short fuse like this usually reflects anger under the surface.
Think back to when this started. That may help you see the trigger but it could even have its roots in events when you were a baby.
A counsellor will help. Talk to The Mix, who help under-25s with any problem (, 0808 808 4994).
