Hot sex with my ex is so confusing – I still love her but I don’t think she wants me back
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I HAVE just had the best night of sex ever with my ex.
She suggested one more night of no-strings passion but it has left me feeling confused.
We broke up six months ago because I was too jealous.
I am 21, she is 19.
She has given me mixed messages since then.
We sometimes work the same shifts in a fast-food outlet where we have part-time jobs and she is flirty.
I love it and flirt back.
She asked me to wait for her after the shift a couple of months ago to see if I wanted a one-off night as she was leaving for university that weekend.
I was wary of it awakening all my feelings again but excited too and knew I would not turn her down.
We went out for a drink then back to hers as her parents were away and we had the most incredible sex ever.
What gave me hope was that she wanted me to stay the next day too.
We had a great time, going shopping, having a takeaway and then we had sex again the next night.
Perhaps it’s me over- analysing, but maybe she did feel something for it to happen a second time around.
After that she went off to uni and I didn’t hear from her, but she has been back in touch this last couple of weeks and we seem to be starting to rebuild our friendship.
It is great to be chatting again.
But the trouble is I still love her.
I asked if she had feelings for me and she said she does but not like mine for her.
I am meant to be going travelling soon.
She wants to stay in touch and says that maybe in future we could find that the spark comes back and then she would be willing to give it another go.
Talk like this has given me hope before and put me in a dark place when things did not go to plan.
She has had other partners, but she is my first.
I hate thinking of her with anyone else.
What do I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You risk eating your heart out for years.
It was perhaps selfish of her to suggest a night of passion knowing you still care so much but at least she is being honest about her feelings.
She cares for you but doesn’t love you as you do her – nor is it likely this will ever change.
Your lives are going in different directions so only stay in touch if you can stop pinning your hopes on a future with her.
Your jealousy will have been about your insecurities, not anything she did or didn’t do back then.
Those insecurities will stem from early experiences.
Look at how you can avoid repeating the same mistakes in future relationships.
My e-leaflet about jealousy will help.
Terrified of Jekyll and Hyde partner
Dear Deidre
MY jealous fiancé has angrily accused me of having an affair with my best friend’s dad.
My fiancé is the love of my life but should I leave him?
We have been together for six years.
He is 29, I am 26.
He treats me like a princess during the week but when he drinks or does drugs at weekends he flips and gets paranoid, accusing me of flirting with other guys and lying about my past.
He felt so threatening that night I was terrified and went to stay with a girlfriend.
When I went home afterwards he cried his eyes out.
He thought he had lost me.
My heart says forgive him but my head says run.
DEIDRE SAYS: You were terrified and you should heed that – it’s a warning sign too strong to ignore.
He may make tearful promises when sober but what happens the next time he is off his face?
Tell him you can only consider staying if he gives up drugs and alcohol.
It’s a big ask but you’re not safe unless he does.
Contact Adfam who help those affected by someone’s drug or alcohol dependence (adfam.org.uk).
My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? will help.
Topic4Today
IF any good has come from all the horror stories over the last few years of child sex abuse, it is that survivors are realising they are not alone.
My e-leaflet Abused As A Child? explains common long-term effects, plus where to get help.
Email the address below for a copy.
For your copy email [email protected].
I'm straight but have sexual feelings for other guys
Dear Deidre
I AM a straight man who works on a building site and I am getting sexual feelings for the other guys.
Is this normal?
I am 31 and have a healthy sex life with my lovely wife who is 32.
But for the last few weeks I dream of having sex with every guy on site.
The fantasies seem to be taking over my waking thoughts.
I look at the girlie pin-ups in the site hut with the other guys and share a joke, but it’s them I am really interested in.
Do I tell my wife my true feelings or keep living a lie that is tearing me apart?
DEIDRE SAYS: Be wary of saying anything to your wife just now.
She would feel very threatened.
Most people are capable of responding to both sexes but the idea of sex with the guys on site may be to do with enjoying the thrill of the forbidden.
Get help to understand what this is really about for you.
My e-leaflet Bisexual Issues details support.
Fear my sex drive will split us apart
Dear Deidre
I LONG for a passionate night with someone other than my girlfriend – just to curb my urge for sex.
I am 29, my girlfriend is 28 and we have been together for four years.
I have a very high sex drive but she has no interest in me whatsoever.
If I try it on there is always some excuse – she has a headache or is tired.
I doubt she will ever satisfy my needs.
I have had moments of thinking maybe she has someone else but I doubt it.
I love her and am faithful but sex is important to me.
I am ready to grab the next gorgeous girl that comes along just for some fun.
I am not looking to end my relationship but I am sure she does not feel the same.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s possible your girlfriend by nature isn’t very interested in sex but it’s more likely that the two of you have never discovered what would really turn her on.
How much focus do you put on making sure she is really aroused?
Do you know that most women experience more pleasure from stimulation than intercourse?
My e-leaflet Thrilling A Woman In Bed will help.
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on the Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
I'm pregnant but my boyfriend is messaging other women, I fear he doesn't love me anymore
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend says he is happy I am pregnant but he hardly ever comes to see me.
Now I have discovered he keeps messaging other women.
He is 21 and lives with his parents.
I am 19 and live with my mum.
But since I found out I am having a baby he seems to have lost interest and no longer invites me over to stay at his home.
We used to have a good sex life but all that seems to have stopped.
I fear he does not want me or love me any more. I am feeling lonely and upset.
DEIDRE SAYS: You need to have a serious talk with him immediately.
He is voting with his feet.
If you are going to end up as a single parent, you need to know now while you still have a choice about going ahead.
Find practical help, support and understanding through The Mix, which is for under-25s (themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994).
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
