Drunken mother-in-law groped my uncle at my wedding and spoiled my dream day
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
MY mother-in-law got drunk at my wedding, groped my uncle and said loudly that my husband could have done so much better than me.
My fiancé and I had planned everything carefully for our special day but our £15,000 wedding breakfast was more like a wake.
We are both 26 and love each other deeply.
Everything was arranged and a week beforehand it looked like being a perfect day.
Then, at the last minute, my husband’s ex announced his seven-year-old daughter wasn’t coming, and a dozen guests cancelled when it was too late to get a refund for them from the caterer.
Our actual wedding day was a nightmare.
His parents were so rude to me and my family.
His father has always been loud but he shouted over everyone with his stupid tales and jokes.
His mother is 54 and her drunken groping of my uncle was shameful.
Several guests were so disgusted at my in-laws’ behaviour that they left before the evening do.
My husband is furious and says he wants to have it out with his family.
We had arranged a buffet and disco for the evening reception but 30 of those we invited to that did not turn up.
Our wedding should have been a wonderful day but it was a disaster
They had all sent acceptances but never let us know they could not come.
My husband says he can’t forget looking round the empty room.
We were too upset to cut our wedding cake or have a proper first dance.
I am devastated.
I really hate those people who have let us down.
We can never get that day back or the thousands we wasted.
It will take us years to pay back the loan.
It should have been a wonderful day but it was a disaster.
DEIDRE SAYS: I am so sorry other people ruined your dream day.
I understand how bitter you feel about the way your husband’s family behaved and the invited guests who didn’t even bother to turn up.
Best leave your husband to reproach his family.
Anger will just be met with anger so suggest your husband simply tell them how hurt and humiliated he felt, and leave it at that.
If people have never organised a wedding they may not realise just how costly no-shows are.
It might ease your feelings just to say to each missing guest individually how sad you were they could not come, as you missed their company but it also cost you so much.
I’m not sure you will get many honest apologies but they all should learn a lesson in how to behave.
But don’t let one day ruin your marriage.
Write a list of all the good things, mainly that you and your husband love each other deeply.
And plan a break to create some special memories just for the two of you.
TOPIC FOR TODAY
ARE you looking forward to Christmas or dreading it?
If you are alone, broke or have suffered a loss, all the “happy family” adverts can make you feel even worse.
My leaflet Worried About Christmas? has practical suggestions and contacts.
For a copy email me at [email protected].
In a bind between new lady and wife
Dear Deidre
MY wife was glad to be rid of me until I met someone else.
We were married for 25 years and have five kids.
Things got hostile and we argued non-stop.
We decided to part two years ago.
I am 52 and she is 51.
I met my new girlfriend in September.
My wife changed immediately, wanting me back and talking about a clean slate.
She started making an effort to look good – and I do find her attractive again – but I have my new girlfriend.
She is lovely, 45 and single.
She wants to spend Christmas together but my kids want me to be with them and their mum.
I’m torn.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s reasonable to tell your girlfriend you will spend Christmas Day itself with your children.
Even if they are pretty grown-up, it will mean a lot to them.
But stay sober and go round to your girlfriend’s place for the evening.
Then make some firm decisions in the New Year.
Imagine life with each woman in a decade – including how your children will react and if you had grandchildren.
My e-leaflet Torn Between Two Women? has further help.
Younger fella is a flop post-op
Dear Deidre
A GOOD-LOOKING younger guy chatted me up in a bar.
We started seeing each other but it turns out he’s impotent and I feel tricked.
I told him I didn’t want a relationship as I was wary of the age gap.
I am 49 and he is 35.
We agreed to be friends but he started acting like a boyfriend.
We went to London one evening and got back late, so I said he could stay with me.
I’d started to like him so I let him share my bed, but not necessarily for sex.
He started kissing and undressing me.
Then he admitted he has been impotent since his vasectomy six years ago.
I feel he’s used me to pretend he has a relationship.
If I keep seeing him, I may miss out on someone who is really interested.
DEIDRE SAYS: That’s a harsh view of a guy who seems genuinely to like you but has a problem.
Impotence after a vasectomy can be an emotional block rather than a physical problem.
If you like each other and want to explore it further, my e-leaflet on Solving Erection Problems explains self-help.
It could yet be brilliant for you both.
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Want to put family rift right for Xmas
Dear Deidre
MY sister has cut herself off from me and my mum.
I want to put it right for Christmas.
I am 21, single and live with my mum and my 18-month-old daughter.
My sister is 26 and married.
I love her but she ignores my girl and makes nasty digs at me, accusing me of sponging off our mum.
Mum always defended her but last week she heard my sister being really spiteful and she has finally had enough.
We normally all spend Christmas together but my sister is ignoring us now.
I want to heal the rift and perhaps I should apologise – but I don’t know what for.
DEIDRE SAYS: Contact your sister but don’t feel you have to apologise.
Just tell her you want to put the past behind you.
If she doesn’t want to, you can’t make her but say you will welcome friendly contact with her at any time.
Whatever her reaction, enjoy Christmas with your daughter and mum.
Painkiller addiction cost me partner
Dear Deidre
I AM addicted to painkillers and it’s cost me my fiancée.
I trapped a nerve in my back three years ago.
My doctor prescribed a strong painkiller but I gradually became hooked and I ordered extra supplies online.
My fiancée and I are both 26, and have good jobs, a nice home and new cars.
She told me I had to get off them so I cut down, but I ordered more online when we had a row and broke up briefly.
We got back together and I was using the remaining tablets to taper off them.
My fiancée found them and now she has left me for good.
I love her and don’t want to lose her.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s all too easy to get addicted to strong painkillers.
Tell your GP who can refer you for local support, and contact Addaction (020 7251 5860, addaction.org.uk).
Tell your fiancée you are getting proper help now and ask her for a chance to prove you can kick them for good.
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