I had sex in a brothel on a drunken stag do and now the shame is eating me up inside
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
Dear Deidre
I GOT very drunk on a stag do and ended up having sex in a brothel – I now feel so worthless it is driving me crazy.
I am 24 and have been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for 18 months.
The other weekend, I went to Amsterdam with six mates.
We had a fantastic time, did a bit of sightseeing and fitted in a lot of drinking, too.
We were on lagers and shots both days.
On the last night of our trip we all decided to go to a strip joint.
It was a rip-off so we left.
We asked someone in the street for directions to any other good clubs.
We found one which looked a bit tacky but the beer was cheap so we stayed.
I did clock there was a sign saying bedrooms.
My mate paid for me to get a private dance with a dark-haired girl who was very pretty and had an amazing smile.
When she whispered in my ear suggesting we go to a bedroom, I agreed.
I was feeling confused and very drunk.
She started pleasuring me and then we had full sex.
I did not stop her and I do remember using protection.
I went outside straight after and got a cab back to our hotel, leaving my mates there.
I knew what I had done was wrong but the full extent only hit me the next day on the plane home.
I have always been a good guy, worked hard, got a top degree and responsible job.
My parents would disown me if they ever found out about that night.
And then there is the fact I have been unfaithful to my girlfriend.
I cannot sleep properly or get the images out of my head. I feel everything I have ever achieved is now worthless.
I forget for a minute then it pops back into my head.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have made one mistake that you now regret but that in no way undoes all the other positive achievements in your life.
Being so hard on yourself, feeling unable to let this go, may be a lot to do with what drives you.
Always being the good guy, striving for perfection, is what you value.
You are hard on yourself when you fall short of your standards but everyone makes mistakes.
No one is going to find out about what happened unless you tell them, and it would be better to keep this to yourself.
You have to learn to forgive yourself, not ask others to.
You probably grew up with tough-love messages, which is why you are so hard on yourself now.
You can learn valuable lessons from this that will make you more resilient to both failure and success in future.
Offload your guilty feelings in confidence if you need to.
The Mix (, 0808 808 4994) helps under-25s with any problem.
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Meeting up with past flings as hubby neglects me
Dear Deidre
I am meeting up with exes because I am not getting any attention from my husband.
I love him to bits but I want us to have a better sex life.
He is 36, I am 31 and we got married a year ago.
We work unsocial hours but he sometimes sleeps all day.
He is a very loving man but whenever I suggest some “us time”, he says he is too tired.
Nothing sexual has happened with any of my exes – yet.
I spoke to my husband about it and he apologised but just says he can’t help feeling constantly tired.
DEIDRE SAYS: You must stop playing with fire and stop diverting your attention from the real issues.
Get your husband to see a doctor for a check-up to rule out any underlying, treatable medical cause for his tiredness.
And let him know how much you love him, both in and out of bed.
My e-leaflet Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive will help you sort out your problems.
RELATED STORIES
My Christmas will lack festive cheer
Dear Deidre
I never look forward to Christmas because it means illness and hard work.
I am 40, my wife is 45.
She is a lovely girl and we have been together for 15 years but she has rheumatoid arthritis.
She has good days and bad but any added extra work, as there is around Christmas, wipes her out.
She just suffers more pain, which limits what she can do.
I hate seeing her suffer, though I do everything around the home anyway.
Christmas will be me cooking for her and her elderly dad – he has dementia and we are his carers.
Not much Christmas spirit there.
DEIDRE SAYS:I can well imagine that cheery festive adverts must grate when you are coping with so much.
You need a break. Even if it is well after Christmas, it will help you to know it is on the horizon.
Carers UK can advise you about respite care for your father-in-law and holidays that would suit you and your wife.
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Mum lied and I'm stuck on her side
Dear Deidre
A row over some money my brothers gave my mum is going to wreck Christmas.
I am a girl of 19 and in my first year at uni. Mum “borrowed” a lot of money off my brothers and lied to them.
She said it was to pay her rent but she used some of it to pay for a holiday.
I understand why she felt she needed a break but it upset both my brothers’ girlfriends too.
They all see me as siding with Mum and hate me because of it.
I know Mum has behaved badly but she is the one person who understands me.
Dad left her years ago.
He keeps himself to himself and is obsessed with money and ambition.
He really makes my life tough.
Mum is 43. She is flaky but I love spending time with her and want us all to have a happy Christmas together.
DEIDRE SAYS: Talk to your brothers.
Tell them you don’t agree with the way your mum spent their money but you do not want to fall out with her, as she is the only mum you’ve got.
Ask them to bury the hatchet for Christmas.
For help with being more assertive, have a read of my e-leaflet about Standing Up For Yourself.
Insecure lover is sure I'm cheating
Dear Deidre
My partner has accused me of cheating or texting other women since the day I first moved into her flat.
I am 45, she’s 43 and we have been together for two years.
I work 12-hour shifts as a male nurse and she always has a go at me when I get in tired.
Whatever I do, she twists it round.
She comes out with the most ridiculous suggestions.
The latest is that shaving the hair from my ears is a sign I’m cheating.
It has affected my erection and if I can’t manage it, she says it is because of my guilt.
I love her with my heart and soul. She has kicked me out several times and I sleep in the car but I love her and run back when she asks me.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is all about your partner’s own insecurities.
Chances are she has been hurt before and won’t let herself trust people.
She is looking for proof for her fears.
Tell her she is pushing you away and talk to her about the experiences that have made her so insecure.
Tell her you love her lots but be clear that she has to get help to change.
My e-leaflet Dealing With Jealousy will help you both.
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