107 thoughts you have while watching Fifty Shades Darker
From the absurdly fanciful to the downright dirty, the second two-hour instalment of the Fifty Shades trilogy has your brain in overdrive
1. HOLD firm Ana. He can't win you back with a bunch of roses.
2. Oh hello Jack.
3. I spy a love rival.
4. She's totally nailed that 'just out of bed hair'. I want.
5. Wait. So she has THREE guys obsessed with her?
6. What kind of crazy pheromones does this girl have?
7. She should bottle them up and get them on the mass market. She'd make a killing.
8. HELLO CHRISTIAN.
9. Forget what I said about the roses. Who can say no to that?
10. Urgh guys trying to order for you is the worst. A salad though?
11. She's onto the blurred lip trend already. Good work.
12. An iPhone, Mac and keys to a car?? I'm lucky to get a ready meal.
13. OMG is that the creepy woman from the bus?
14. Oh Jack, you sly dog.
15. Eek. Safe to say Jack and Christian are not going to be friends.
16. At least finish your beer though! What a waste.
17. Take things slow? Yeah right.
18. I give it five minutes before they're having sex.
19. That was more like two.
20. Filming these bits must be so awkward.
21. Do they let their parents watch this?
22. That back though.
23. And that bum.
24. *Drool*
25. I need to adopt the term 'kinky f***ery'.
26. Then again, maybe not.
27. Ok enough now, who the hell is that creepy bus girl?
28. Sorry Ana but watching someone sleep is weird, not cute.
29. Err what's wrong with cold stir fry, Christian?
30. Ugh that bod.
31. He's such a d*** though.
32. Let her cuddle you Goddamnit.
33. Drawing on him with lipstick? Is that really necessary?
34. MAJOR wardrobe goals right there.
35. WTF.
36. Is he going to do what I think he's going to do with those beads?
37. Omg he is.
38. Ok, I really hope their parents never watch this.
39. Christian looks like Zorro at this masquerade ball.
40. Will these two ever finish a meal without rushing off to have sex?
41. Thank God he remembered to take those beads out first.
42. How does she not have a hair out of place after that?
43. AS IF those lipstick lines would still be on his torso.
44. What brand is that?
45. How is she managing to stay completely dry in that shower?
46. TUNE.
47. Is it really that hard to steer a boat in such a large, empty expanse of water?
48. Looks like she's milking it a bit.
49. Ok, so Jack's actually a bit of an a**hole.
50. Nipple clamps are the least of your worries right now, hun.
51. That poor housekeeper.
52. Oh no, Jack is a total a**hole.
53. F*** OFF JACK.
54. YES ANA!
55. A boyf who can get your horrible boss fired? He's a keeper.
56. Hmm, I wonder how they're going to celebrate her promotion...
57. Literally. They never finish a meal.
58. Excuse me? Her PANTS?
59. Ok there is NO WAY I wouldn't notice if someone on the table next to me in a restaurant took their pants off.
60. In a lift now?
61. Yeah, like no one else in the lift would hear those sex noises, Ana.
62. This is the longest lift ride ever.
63. Seriously, how tall is that building?
64. Ana, don't go into that apartment on your own.
65. How does she afford such an amazing apartment?
66. Classic. She's got a gun to her head.
67. I warned her.
68. Kneel? KNEEL?
69. This is a whole other level of screwed up.
70. Dump Christian.
71. This film has got such a great soundtrack.
72. How has she been walking around in the rain for hours and still hasn't got wet?
73. HE'S PROPOSED!
74. How can he be so cute and so awful simultaneously?
75. Ana do you realise you could watch him work out like that EVERY MORNING.
76. Say yes, you idiot.
77. I used to love those vaulting horses in P.E. lessons.
78. Is that RITA ORA?
79. I totally forgot she was in this.
80. I did not recognise her at the masquerade ball.
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81. This helicopter crash storyline has totally blindsided me.
82. So RANDOM.
83. Obviously they'll find him.
84. I still can't get over Rita Ora.
85. Christian looks so good covered in dirt and dried blood.
86. MARRY HIM ALREADY.
87. There is no chance in hell that gift could have survived a helicopter crash.
88. It wasn't even in a sealed pocket.
89. Cute though.
90. Oh look, she's finally under running water in a shower and actually getting wet!
91. How hasn't her mascara run?
92. Ana makes so many weird noises.
93. Oh p*** off Elena.
94. Yes Ana! Great shot. Right in the face.
95. Jeez, and now a slap. Elena is not having a good night.
96. Good luck explaining that one to your mum, Christian.
97. He's thrown Ana over his shoulder so many times that's pretty much her main way of getting around now.
98. Where are those men at 4am when you're walking home barefoot because heels became unbearable?
99. Ok this might just be the most romantic thing EVER.
100. He's down on one knee!
101. Wait, didn't they get engaged already?
102. Oh. You've just ruined it with the cheesy perfectly-timed fireworks.
103. JACK?
104. Forgot about him.
105. This is foreboding.
106. Oh, it's over.
107. That wasn't as pornographic as I was expecting.