Two transgender bloggers documenting their transition on YouTube open up about the backlash they face – but why they’ll never abandon their channel
STARING into the camera, curtains shut behind him, Jamie Raines smiles nervously before beginning to talk quietly.
“Hey… my name is Jamie,” he says, shifting in his seat.
“I am just making a female to male intro video. I am pre-everything, but I’m out…”
After chatting for two minutes and 42 seconds, the 18-year-old student uploaded his video to YouTube, sharing the link on Facebook.
Within an hour it had received hundreds of views and likes.
“I was about to have my first appointment at a gender clinic and wanted a record of my transition from girl to boy,” explains Jamie, talking about that day in September 2011.
“I was so nervous, it took several attempts, but when I finally posted the video I got a huge positive reaction.”
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Documenting something so personal on such a globally accessible platform is incredibly brave – but Jamie, from Colchester, Essex, is just one of a rising number of people showcasing their transition online.
According to clinical psychologist Dr Bernadette Wren, this growing trend is down to a mix of high-profile stars who’ve recently transitioned, such as Caitlyn Jenner and Orange Is The New Black actress Laverne Cox, and the increasing visibility of transgender people on social media.
“We have seen a cultural shift and more acceptance in how we think about gender, and greater recognition of transgender people,” explains Dr Wren, who consults at the gender identity clinic at the Tavistock And Portman NHS Trust in London, which saw a 1,000% increase in referrals between 2009 and 2015.
“Raising awareness of these issues online can help challenge stigma and discrimination, and responsibly told personal stories can be a powerful way to reach out to people experiencing similar issues.”
The movement began in the US in the late 2000s, with transgender vloggers such as Princess Joules and Skylar Kergil posting updates on their changing bodies – Joules from male to female, and Skylar from female to male.
As they spoke about undergoing hormone treatment and eventually sex reassignment surgery, the pair rapidly gained followers – mostly young people searching for advice on similar issues – and earned themselves the nickname TransTubers.
They now have hundreds of thousands of subscribers and today a YouTube search for “transgender transition” on the site throws up over 169,000 results.
Like many members of the transgender community, 24-year-old Jamie, who was born female, doesn’t like to reveal his former name as it’s part of the identity he’s left behind.
“I remember being in the reception class at school and thinking that I was one of the boys, but that I hadn’t finished developing,” he says.
“As I got older I hung out with the lads, playing football.”
Jamie finally realised he was trans after watching the Channel 4 documentary The Boy Who Was Born A Girl in November 2010.
“I had never heard the word ‘transgender’ before, but I felt jealous that the person in the film was getting the chance to live as a man,” he remembers.
“Searching online, I came across Skylar Kergil’s YouTube channel, which really helped me get my head around what taking testosterone would involve, such as growing muscles and facial hair.”
In 2011, Jamie used one of Skylar’s videos to help him come out to his mum Christine, 62.
“I showed her one where he talks about getting his first testosterone prescription,” he explains.
“Then we watched one after he’d been taking the hormone for three months so Mum could see the process. I said that I wanted to do that and, thankfully, the video really helped her understand. She said it made sense to her that I was trans, because I’d always been such a tomboy.
“I asked her to tell my dad and brother for me because I was so scared, but they were really supportive, too. I then told my friends at college, including my best friend Shaaba, who eventually became my girlfriend.”
Shortly afterwards, aged 18, Jamie started making his own YouTube videos, mainly for himself but also to help others in a similar position.
He began hormone treatment at a gender clinic and changed his name by deed poll, too.
“It was great getting such a good reaction, especially from other trans guys,” he remembers.
“But it didn’t take long for someone to click ‘dislike’, which was really upsetting. Then I realised that not everyone was going to like me, and I had to accept that.”
Zoe Pierce made her first TransTube video when she was just 13, in March 2014.
“Knowing I was finally going to be out in the open, I went through every extreme emotion possible,” she remembers.
“I was really scared of being so honest about a part of myself that I’d kept hidden for so long, but also incredibly happy I was no longer hiding it away.”
Zoe, now 17, was born a boy and remembers realising she was in the wrong body when she was just four.
“I loved dressing up in heels and wigs and only wanted to play with girls,” says Zoe.
“My mum Gill, 42, never said anything to me about it, but the older I got, the more uncomfortable I felt about anything masculine.”
Things started to click into place when, aged 11, Zoe watched the reality show My Transsexual Summer, which followed the gender transition journeys of seven people.
“I’d heard the term ‘sex change’ before but didn’t really understand what it meant,” she remembers.
“When I watched the show I broke down, because it summed up how I had been feeling my whole life.”
Zoe, from Wrexham, North Wales, began searching online about changing sex, and came across Princess Joules’ YouTube channel.
“I realised there were other people like me out there,” says Zoe.
“As she spoke about hormone therapy and what the transition process involved, it was the first time I understood what it would be like to change gender. It also confirmed that it was a step I wanted to take.”
By September 2012, Zoe still hadn’t confessed her feelings to friends or family, so as a way of testing people’s reactions, she came out as gay to her school mates. She then started experimenting with her look, growing her hair long and wearing mascara.
“I got teased a lot,” she admits.
“It really upset me that I couldn’t just be myself. I became depressed and wanted to hide away from everyone.”
Watching TransTubers was the one thing that gave her strength.
“Seeing them so confident and happy encouraged me. I wanted to be as comfortable as them with who I was,” she says.
Zoe finally came out as trans to her mum with the help of a family friend in February 2014.
“I was so nervous, but Mum told me she just wanted me to be happy and admitted she’d always had an instinct I wanted to be a girl ever since I was little.”
It was then, with the backing of her mum, that Zoe decided to make YouTube videos to document her transition, talking about trans issues from a UK perspective and connecting with other people going through the same experiences as her.
“I knew there would be a reaction, but I wasn’t expecting it to get as big as it did,” says Zoe, who changed her name by deed poll in September 2014 and began living as a girl while waiting to be referred to a gender identity specialist.
“People were sharing it, and my video became the talk of the school. Most of the reactions were positive, lots of people commented on it saying how proud they were of me. It felt amazing to be out in the open at last.”
But with acceptance also came intolerance, and both Jamie and Zoe have experienced bullying on and offline after coming out as trans.
Jamie – who has more than 88,000 subscribers – explains that as his YouTube channel grew, so too did the abuse.
“Some people would write horrible messages in all capitals with loads of swearing,” he remembers.
“I just block them now. If someone sounds uneducated about the issue, I will try to engage with them. I’ve had people change their minds and apologise for being ignorant.”
If someone sounds uneducated about the issue, I will try to engage with them. I’ve had people change their minds and apologise for being ignorant.
Jamie Raines
Meanwhile, Zoe’s videos made her a target for bullies on the internet and at her school.
“Some people left comments online saying I was a freak,” she says.
“And after I posted my first video, some of the children at school started calling me ‘it’ or raging that I was an abomination, which was devastating. I told the teachers that I was transgender, but they didn’t know how to react – they still saw me as a boy. I had to fight to use the girls’ toilets.”
Zoe, who now has more than 4,000 YouTube subscribers, decided to make videos talking about the bullying as she found it helpful to share her feelings.
“The school asked me to take them down and when I refused, they punished me by putting me in isolation for a day. I ended up getting my local MP involved, and read out the 2010 Equalities Act to the school, who eventually backed down. They even put together a strategy to care for transgender students after that.”
But Jamie and Zoe both insist that the positive interactions far outweigh the negative ones.
“I’ve had lots of people contact me online saying they think they’re trans, and that my videos have benefitted them. I’ve spoken to people aged between 12 and 50, and helped people come out to their families,” says Zoe, who started hormone treatment in 2015.
However Jamie, who had his breasts removed in 2012, admits the vlogging can take an emotional toll.
“I did one video that was a letter to my pre-transitioned self, which was hard because I had to revisit what it was like growing up feeling I was in the wrong body,” he says.
“I also made one about what it’s like to still be getting your period as a trans guy, as I hadn’t found anything discussing that and it’s so important to consider.”
But YouTube videos do not always give a fully realistic picture of what it’s like to transition.
According to Dr Wren, it’s important not to see them as a one-size-fits-all guide to transitioning.
“Everyone’s journey is different and we should not idealise any single pathway,” she warns.
“Not all people will go down the surgery route or decide to transition. There are no set rules.”
Even though Jamie and Zoe have both left school – Jamie is studying psychology at university in Essex and Zoe is learning health and beauty therapy at college in Wrexham – they have no intention of abandoning their channels.
“I will never stop,” insists Zoe, who hopes to have full gender reassignment surgery in the future.
“It’s helped me accept who I am.”
Jamie, who is planning on doing a PhD specialising in behavioural differences in trans children, still uploads his videos every week.
“My university know about my channel and I’ve been involved in some diversity campaigns with them,” he explains.
“I’ve never purposefully met people through my videos but have had people recognise me at Pride events.
“Being so open online has helped me feel comfortable within my new skin. I finally feel proud of who I am.”
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