Ferrari Portofino M is just as it should be: Loud, over the top and big as a barge

SPARE a thought for those poor Ferrari owners, would you?

They must be having a terrible time.

The minute they get their hands on the latest model, those scamps in Italy unveil another car.

Only a matter of days after the new Portofino M arrived in the UK for media drives, Ferrari announced the 296 GTB.

Those hapless billionaire supercar collectors . . . can they ever catch a break?

OK, so the GTB won’t be available to drive for a long time.

But considering the waiting time for a new Ferrari is a minimum 12 months, neither will the Portofino M, even if you have the £175,000 to buy one.

Let’s pretend we’re loaded and can kill a year waiting for a new car.

What do you need to know?

The Portofino M is the updated version of Ferrari’s “entry-level” car.

It still has a drop-down roof so you can show off your trophy mistress but it’s got 20bhp more under the hood and a “race mode” for when she threatens to tell your wife everything and you want to stun her into silence.

Perhaps the most noticeable change is the noise. As this car has a new particulate filter, Ferrari could throw away the exhaust silencers – allowing the 3.9-litre V8 to bellow like a silverback gorilla with his balls caught on barbed wire.

What’s it like?

It’s everything a Ferrari should be: Loud, over the top and big as a barge.

When you’re not keeping an eye on your wing mirrors while threading it along small roads, you notice just how frequently people stop to drool as you drive by. As shallow as it is, that’s a buzz.

And when you find a wider road that offers the chance to open it up, it’s phenomenal fun.

It has a new shorter-ratio gearbox to add even more urgency to the acceleration.

It now arrives at 62mph from a standstill in 3.5 seconds.

Nippy, then.

But the Portofino is still a grand tourer – there’s the merest gesture of a set of back seats – so when you want to relax and enjoy the view, the Portofino M softens off the suspension and glides through the countryside, serenading everyone you pass with that walloping exhaust note.

Of course I liked it – it’s a Ferrari.

Would I buy one with my EuroMillions winnings?

No, because those sods would unveil a better, faster Ferrari the moment my deposit cheque cleared.