MY old girl leads a simple life in the Peak District.

She collects rainwater in barrels, adopts more pets than Noah and takes fashion tips from Mr W. Gummidge. All true.

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She weighs 5ft nothing and is taller than a lettuce. Also true. But when she’s driving, all the local farmers know to keep well clear.

That’s because “Grandma G” drives likes a demon, bombing down B-roads and mud-plugging off-grid, in big, no-nonsense 4x4s.

Ask her to name her favourite 4x4 ever and she’ll say: “Isuzu Trooper.” All day long. Because no matter how much she abused it over the years, it never let her down. It was bulletproof, 100 per cent workhorse.

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Well, listen up, Mother dear. You need to try the new D-Max pick-up.

For lots of reasons – but mostly value. Prices from £15,749 for the single cab and £19,499 for the double cab – which is much cheaper than the No1-selling Ford Ranger and Nissan Navara.

The new 1.9-litre diesel (replacing the old 2.5) can also do up to 40mpg and it doesn’t need AdBlue – whereas most rivals do. It also comes with a five-year warranty and five-year roadside assistance.

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As well as the new engine, hill start assist and feet-off-the-pedals descent control are now standard. The gear ratios are also lower so it feels more torquey pulling a trailer.

Ah yes, two more vital statistics for all you farmers and builders out there: 3.5-tonne towing capacity, 1.1-tonne payload.

Now, I’m nothing if not honest. The D-Max is not the best at anything but it is good at everything. The

Ranger is more car-like and the Navara is a smoother ride thanks to its five-link rear suspension. This is leaf-sprung and is Tigger-bouncy when empty.

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But the D-Max will do a job. It can swim. It can drag its own bodyweight and a bit more. It can switch from 2WD to 4WD on the move. And it has more grunt than I expected.

You can also roll it in glitter if you want to – big alloys, heated seats, 9in screen, CarPlay, fancy leather.

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Isuzu says D-Max has “taken over from the Defender” as the farmer’s vehicle of choice. Hmmm. Steady on, chaps. The Defender is an icon.

But the D-Max does have more creature comforts and is harder than Dwayne Johnson.

If you want to try it, sign up for the “48-hour test drive” at your local dealer from May 1. My old girl might see you there.

A new game for Easter

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STOP reading and  start downloading .

It looks easy, guiding monster trucks over jumps and loops. But it’s not –  and it’s highly addictive.  I’ve spent about 100 hours playing it. Free with in-app purchases. It’s your electronic babysitter  for Easter.

Sales hit a record

THE rush to beat VED changes saw Brits snap up a record 562,000 new cars last month.

As of April 1, all new cars – except all-electric motors under £40,000 – will pay an annual flat rate.

Before April 1, “green” cars under 99g/km were free.

Mike Hawes, of the SMMT, said: “The record figures are undoubtedly boosted by consumers reacting to new VED changes – especially ultra-low-emission vehicles that will no longer benefit from a zero-rate fee.”

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Top ten sellers in March:

1. Ford Fiesta
2. Ford Focus
3. Vauxhall Corsa
4. Nissan Qashqai
5. Vauxhall Astra
6. VW Golf
7. VW Polo
8. Mini
9. Ford Kuga
10. Mercedes C-Class

• JAGUAR Land Rover outsold Audi last month – shifting a new car every 30 seconds.

Suzuki's sweet deal

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Get this car cheaper if you buy before July 1

• SUZUKI is keeping  buyers sweet by cutting prices equivalent to three years’ road tax. So this Ignis,  which now attracts £380 VED over three years, is now, er, £380 cheaper until July 1.

 You’ll find 510,364 used car, bike and van deals at

Under £1,000

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2007 Nissan Micra 1.2 Initia, 106,000 miles, manual, 4 owners, £895

Under £2,000

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2010 Nissan Micra 1.2 Visia, 77,000 miles, manual, 1 owner, £1,950

Under £3,000

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• DRUM roll, please. The fastest-selling used cars in March were the Hyundai i10, Kia Sportage and Nissan Micra, says Auto Trader.

Want:

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This VW picnic rug, £20 at Halfords. I think I love it more than grilled cheese. And pineapple.

• HYUNDAI is building a £15,000 baby SUV called Kona. Spell it with a C instead of a K in Portugal and it means private lady parts.

Lost car goes on auction

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SOME rich dude lost the keys to this Merc SL500 in 1996 – and never drove it again. It has just 80 miles on the clock and should fetch around £50,000 at auction next week.

A similar car, had the owner not lost the keys and used it, would be £5k.

• NINE out of ten diesel drivers would support a scrappage scheme, says FairFuelUK. Are you listening, Spreadsheet Phil?