Vauxhall Insignia GSi review: Football legend Ray Parlour joins us on a trip from Wembley to Amsterdam

TWENTY years ago, Ray Parlour won the Double with Arsenal, Vauxhall had the GSi, and I had the same curtain haircut as I do now.

It seems all three are back in fashion.

8

Ray is now a TalkSport legend, the GSi is back, and so are Take That/Backstreet Boys floppy man-locks. Honestly, they are.

Mix all three together and what do you have?

A 360-mile road trip from Wembley to Amsterdam for England’s friendly with Holland.

The 90s star in the 90s car, that’s the silver Vectra GSi, and a 90s-throwback motoring journalist in the red Insignia GSi.

8

I definitely had the better deal. Ray had a radio cassette player in his motor, dodgy brakes and a vibrating steering wheel — but a lovely-sounding 2.5-litre V6.

I had Apple CarPlay, head-up display, racy Sport mode, 4WD and massaging seats.

Swap cars and you’d have a massage Parlour (cue reader groans) in Amsterdam. Now that might catch on.

So, Ray, Mr Romford Pele, please share some car stories.

8

“I’ve had all sorts of cars. Ford Sierra, Ford Orion, Golf GTI.

“My cousin was a second-hand car dealer and he’d sort me a little motor out.

“My mate gave me a Mini Metro for a while.

“Can you imagine giving Tony Adams a lift in that, 6ft 4, and trying to get in a Mini Metro?

“It broke down on me on the M25 and I made him push me on the hard shoulder.

“Tony had a Ford Scorpio once and it was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers everywhere.

“I tried to pull this lollipop off a seat but it had been there that long it ripped the leather off with it.”

Then there was the time Ray’s Ford Orion was abandoned outside a London boozer for three days.

Ray said: “We went to a bar in Moorgate after training and I ended up having too many beers, so we got a cab home.

“Tony had a driver round our way and the next morning the guy took us to training, waited for us, took us down to get our car, left us, and the next minute we’re in the pub again — and getting another cab home.

“We did it three times. My car was in the car park for three days. It didn’t move.

“We just kept going in the pub. I’d have four pints, five pints, and he’d go, ‘Ah, you better leave it again, we’ll get it tomorrow’.

“My first proper car, I’m not knocking them other cars, but my first prestigious car was the Mercedes CLK. Beautiful motor.

“I’d got a new contract, a bit more dough, we were doing really well, so I thought I’d treat myself.

“My mate said I could save ten grand by collecting it from Stuttgart.

“So I said we’ll go on a road trip and have a laugh. Bang. Off we went. They said to me, ‘Now you’ve got to go slow and run the engine in’, but we’re going through France and there’s not a car in sight, and I thought, f*** this, 100mph all the way.

“The best car I ever had was the CL 55 AMG. Beautiful. 52-plate, 2002.

“It was a great year for me, Double year, and I scored in the FA Cup Final.

“I was watching the Grand Prix one day and I thought, ‘F***, look at that car in front, the safety car, it’s a blinder, the new CL, I’ll have to get one of them.’

“I had it for five or six years, fantastic, what a motor car, unbelievable, you could go 90-100mph and you think you were going 25-30mph. That’s how smooth it was.

8

“I paid £95k for it and sold it down the pub for £13k. It was such a nice motor.

“You know when you get in cars and you think, ‘I’ve got a three-hour drive now’ but it was a privilege to get in that car and drive it up and down the A1.

“Lovely motor, lovely, lovely motor. But you expect that for £95k.

“I’m in a Mercedes CLS now. Again, lovely motor, brilliant for going up and down the country to watch football matches.

8

“I had a BMW 520 diesel for a year, that was as good as gold, but then I went back to a Merc after that. I just like driving them.

“I was never one who was going to get a Ferrari.

“Dennis Bergkamp liked his motors, he had a Ferrari and a nice big Merc.

“And a good mate of mine, Ian Poulter, who I had horses with, he’s got ten Ferraris.

“The cars at the training ground nowadays are unbelievable. Proper.

“Some of the motors in there, matt black paint and all that.

MOST READ IN MOTORS

FORDING ON

10 best Fords EVER sold - including iconic Model T and legendary 60s Mustang

WHEELY STRANGE

Weirdest supercar EVER is 'forgotten' motor with bizarrely placed exhaust

CRATER CARNAGE

Interactive map reveals UK’s pothole hell with 7MILLION craters nationwide

BACK TO THE FUTURE

Rare 1950s supercar with futuristic magnesium bodywork to sell for £5.5m

“But I was never going to be like that, even if I played now.

“I might have a Range Rover, but I’d have a normal one.”

And his dream car?

“For me now, I’d say the GT, I love the Merc AMG GT. Fantastic.

8

You see them on the F1 tracks going round, oh, what a motor that is.”

Not a Vauxhall then?

“That red car looks nice. I couldn’t believe it’s got 20in wheels. My Merc’s got 19in wheels. It looks a lovely, lovely car.

“But that Vectra, f***ing hell, it was an experience driving that one.”

8

— OH? You thought you’d read Ray’s interview, look at the big pictures then turn the page? No, mate. That’s not how it works.

Now I’m going to tell you all about the Insignia GSi – the first Vauxhall GSi for 12 years.

But I promise I’ll be quick. Smooth ride, plenty of kit, almost German – without the German price tag.

Er, it is actually built in Germany, but you know what I mean.

I’ll let you decide on its looks.

You like? YES/NO? It’s an Insignia in a PE kit, lots of chrome, twin exhausts and fat 20in alloys.

But the cabin is so good it deserves a paragraph of its own. Head-up display. Lovely. 3D satnav. Sweet. Heated and cooled massaging seats. Bliss. Apple CarPlay and so on.

Proper motorway prowlers will want the 210hp 2-litre diesel over the 260hp petrol but both are 4WD, with slick eight-speed paddle-shift auto and Sport mode, which sounds great and tightens everything up.

Nice motor. Good value. Well played, Vauxhall.

They think it's 'hall over

8

VAUXHALL will bow out as an England sponsor after the World Cup.

The eight-year deal has seen the Three Lions wear Vauxhall-branded training gear, Fabio Capello and Roy Hodgson drive Insignias and more than 360 youth teams handed free kit.

Parlour said: “They’ve done a wonderful job. People don’t realise all the work that goes on behind the scenes with grassroots football.

“They put a lot of money in to the FA and the Home Nations. Everyone will look back and thank them.”

And here’s Parlour’s England team for Russia: “I’d play three at the back. Maguire, Stones and Dier, then Walker and Rose. Butland in goal. Wilshere if he’s fit, Dele Alli, Sterling on the right, Harry Kane, and I’d go Rashford on the left.

“We should get through the group. It’s a travesty if we don’t.

“Belgium and England should get through and in the last 16, you’ll probably have either Colombia or Poland, I’m guessing.

“Then it gets tougher. It could be Brazil or Germany. But surely we have to get to the quarter-finals and that’s when you need to be positive. Playing a Germany side, who’d be favourites. Playing a Brazil side, who’d be favourites.

“So let’s have a go, lads. Be positive. If we lose 3-2 and everyone’s had a right go, I don’t think any England supporter would complain if we lose to a better side. Be fearless. No regrets. Go and unleash them.”