Go-faster Micra has racy stripes and carbon but it’s still grandma in a tracksuit
There’s no shame in making good cars for old people... It will still sell in bundles
DON’T worry, guys. We’re all assured the Micra is “11 per cent more fun”.
Really? What does that mean?
I had to ask the same question because, as far as I know, there is no scientific measurement for fun. It’s completely subjective.
But Nissan’s PR nonsense did get me thinking . . .
If a doctor sticking his finger up your bottom for an examination is zero per cent fun and riding a rollercoaster with a dozen cheerleaders is 100 per cent fun, the day I broke my wrist playing football was probably 11 per cent fun. I didn’t really enjoy it much.
Nissan will tell you the Micra is more fun because the old 0.9-litre petrol engine has been replaced by two 1-litre turbos — one at 100hp, one at 117hp — and there’s a new trim level called N-Sport.
That may be so, but why even bother?
No one under 50 is likely to buy a Micra over a Fiesta or a Polo or an A1 or an Ibiza or a Mini or a Clio or a 208 or a Fabia or a C3 or an up! GTI. Even with natty Bose headrest speakers.
And most definitely no one under 30 would drive a Micra unless they had inherited it.
So, here’s a quick piece of advice for Nissan: Take a leaf out of Honda’s book on the Jazz and celebrate what you have. Embrace it.
There’s no shame in making good cars for old people. It will still sell in bundles. People are living longer.
But giving the Micra blobs of carbon styling on the outside and Adidas white stripes on the seats and floor mats inside is like putting Nana in a tracksuit and calling her sporty.
She’s not.
You’ve got the GT-R to please the McDonald’s car park crew.
This is an old biddy’s biff-about.
I’m sure, deep down, Nissan knows this too.
That’s why this fifth-gen Micra also has the option of an auto gearbox for the first time. To make life easy in stop-start traffic in town.
That’s why the Micra has big-car tech from the Qashqai, including 360-degree monitor and auto emergency braking with pedestrian recognition.
That’s why the Micra comes in Energy Orange and Power Blue — to help you find it in a car park.
I will finish on a positive note. The Micra has a cracking little chassis that deserves so much more than its dowdy image. Nice direct steering, good body control. The 117hp version rides a little lower and has firmer suspension.
If Nissan really wants to attract the yoof, give them a 200hp Nismo.
Now that would be 111 PER CENT more fun.
Blind faith
BLIND doctor Amit Patel lapped the Top Gear test track in the Reasonably Fast Toyota GT86 – and set the fifth-fastest time. Amit, who was guided by an instructor without dual controls, said: “It was insane.” Good on him. The video is on YouTube.
Shows face off
I’VE always said there is room for two quality car shows – and now Top Gear and The Grand Tour are going head-to-head.
Top Gear returns on BBC2 on February 17, slap-bang in the middle of series three of The Grand Tour on Amazon Prime. So for the next five weeks, we can look forward to this: Fridays – Clarkson and friends. Sundays – Joey and friends. With Match Of The Day in the middle.
Sweeeeeet.
I’ve already seen the first episode of Top Gear and you won’t be disappointed. It is beautifully shot. Matt LeBlanc and Chris Harris head to Norway in a 208mph Ferrari GTC4 Lusso and a 190mph Porsche Panamera Turbo Sport Turismo.
Note. This is the last series featuring LeBlanc. Freddie Flintoff and Paddy McGuinness just started filming the next series.
Next week on The Grand Tour, Richard Hammond tests the 1,341hp NIO EP9 – the world’s fastest electric car – a year after trying to kill himself in the Rimac One.
February just got a whole lot better.
Wild Rover
HERE is Land Rover’s definition of an iron fist in a velvet glove. The beautifully appointed Range Rover Velar now packs a 550hp supercharged 5-litre V8. But hurry, Wags, hurry. It’s only available for a year at £86,000.
GQ WINNERS
I’M quite happy with the winners of the GQ Car Awards, below, including a lifetime achievement gong for Jenson Button.
In an interview in the March issue – out tomorrow – JB says: “I will always be racing. I’m a big fan of Stirling Moss and he was still racing competitively into his eighties. That will be me.”
I also note the Z4 photos were taken by 19-year-old Brooklyn Beckham – you might have heard of his dad.
I’ll let you make up your mind on that one.
The Lap Of The Gods Award Porsche 919 Hybrid
The Do Believe The Hype Award McLaren Senna
The Do Be Careful With It, 007 Award Aston Martin DB5
The Even Better Than The Real Thing Award Singer 911 DLS
The Phwoar Door Award Mercedes-AMG Four-Door Coupé
The Leaving On A Private Jet Plane Award HondaJet
The Sideways Is Best Award BMW Z4
The Welcome To The Urban Jungle Award Range Rover Evoque
The Hip To Be Square Award Suzuki Jimny
The Raging Bull Award Lamborghini Urus
MOST READ IN MOTORS
THE LONDON CLASSIC CAR SHOW – Feb 14-17, ExCeL, London. Includes catwalk-style runway parades. Brilliant day out. Tickets from £25 online.
CARAVAN, CAMPING & MOTORHOME SHOW – Feb 19-24, Birmingham NEC. For caravan, camping and motorhome enthusiasts. Tickets £8, kids go free.
THIS will sell quicker than a steak bake at Greggs. The Polo-sized Volkswagen T-Cross SUV from £17,000. Frugal 1-litre turbo petrol, sliding rear seats, easy to park. Out April.
SUZUKI, Honda and Kia are the best car firms for customer service, new figures show.