The highs and lows of politics in 2019 – the year of Brexit, BoJo and boobies
IT will be remembered as the year the Brexit deadlock was finally broken.
But amid all the chaos and conniving, 2019 had its comic moments in the corridors of power. Sunday Political Editor David Wooding hands out his annual gongs – The Wooders.
FANTASY POLITICS AWARD
Lib Dem leader Jo Swinson deluded herself she would be the next PM and toured the land in a coach bearing her giant mugshot on the side.
But she didn’t even manage to win her own seat back.
At least it cheered up the second most annoying party leader, the SNP’s Nicola Sturgeon, who punched the air in glee at claiming her Scots rival’s scalp.
FLIP-FLOPPER OF THE YEAR
You wait two years for a Labour star to jump ship — then he does it twice in a few weeks.
Following his aborted leadership bid, Chuka Umunna launched a new party, Change UK.
But he became so fond of change, he did it again and joined the Lib Dems.
Now he’s coping with more change after voters booted him out.
SHORTEST COMEBACK IN HISTORY
Expelled left-winger Derek Hatton is readmitted into the Labour Party after a 34-year wait — only to be kicked out again 48 hours later.
ONE PORN EVERY MINUTE
Comeback king Nigel Farage launched the Brexit Party.
But within hours, pranksters registered its email address as a porn site.
He was swamped with offers from East European women offering a “stress-free” massage.
Bet he needed a rub down after his party bombed in the election.
OUT OF ORDER, ORDER!
John Bercow stood down as Commons Speaker after ten years and was then accused of demanding £1million to appear on TV’s I’m A Celebrity.
He denied the claims but Brexit-backing MPs would happily have paid Remainer Bercow handsomely to get him out of the Westminster jungle.
CABINET SAUCE OF THE YEAR
Naughty-but-nice Trade Secretary Liz Truss attended The Big Sausage event in Norfolk, saying it was, “ticking rather a lot of my boxes”.
Asked to try a Gloucester Old Spot banger, she enthused: “That’s one of the best offers I’ve had all year.”
It perhaps explains why Liz enjoyed working in a well-hung Parliament so much.
GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF
Housing minister James Brokenshire showed off his new kitchen which boasts FOUR matching ovens.
The revelation must have left the PM wondering where to put his “oven-ready” Brexit deal.
It prompted one stunned MP to ask: “Is he running a pizza business on the side?”
GUNNER BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
A miserable year for Jeremy Corbyn as his party and football team tanked.
After his election defeat, the Labour leader assured fellow Arsenal fans he wouldn’t be applying for the vacant job of Gunners team boss.
Just as well, as he’d probably borrow £84billion to buy more left wingers and strikers but remain neutral on whether to play in Europe.
SLOUCH OF COMMONS
Commons leader Jacob Rees-Mogg was dubbed “insolent” and “insufferable” when he reclined almost horizontally on the Commons’ green benches during a late-night Brexit debate.
He refused to budge, amid cries of, “Sit up, man!”
But the posh wind-up merchant smiled and nodded when one angry MP sarcastically suggested he should be supplied with a pillow.
BENT POLITICS
Spoon-bending psychic Uri Geller vowed to use his “telepathic powers” to stop Jeremy Corbyn becoming PM.
After the election, he claimed he influenced Boris Johnson’s landslide victory by giving him a spoon energised with “mind positivity”.
SUNK WITHOUT TRACE
Chris “Failing” Grayling quit as Transport Secretary after a string of Brexit planning blunders — including awarding a cross-Channel ferry contract to a firm with no ships.
SHRUNK WITHOUT TRACE
Labour Deputy Leader Tom Watson shed 7st in two years by giving up sugar and taking up exercise.
He became so thin that Corbynista “assassins” missed their target in a plot to oust him.
Slimline Watson then decided to cast off his political baggage and quit as an MP.
POLITICAL LIGHTWEIGHT OF THE YEAR
Shadow Education Secretary Angela Rayner has been showered with compliments about her figure after going on a “half-portions” diet.
She quipped: “Fat birds don’t win elections.”
Neither do slim turkeys when Corbyn is leader.
STAIN DEVIL 1
Boris Johnson almost botched his leadership bid after a “screaming row” with his girlfriend over a wine stain on her sofa.
Police were called by neighbours who reported “a lot of smashing” from the home he shared with Carrie Symonds.
What happened next remains secret.
Perhaps it was a cover-up — by an upholstery firm.
STAIN DEVIL 2
Cops ordered a McDonald’s outlet to stop selling milkshakes during a rally by Nigel Farage in Edinburgh — in case they were used as missiles by customers.
The Brexit Party boss completed the visit unscathed, only to be “milkshaked” in Newcastle.
DOWNING STREET STAR OF DECADE
Loveable No10 pup Dilyn outshines Cameron, May, Johnson and even Larry the Downing Street cat.
The seven-month-old Jack Russell-cross from an animal rescue charity moved in with BoJo’s girlfriend Carrie and always steals the show at official receptions.
A real yappy ending.
THE VICTOR MELDREW 'I DON'T BELIEVE IT' AWARD
Hapless Karen Bradley admitted she didn’t believe a word she said as Northern Ireland Secretary.
She dropped a clanger by saying that killings by the military and police during The Troubles were not crimes — then rowed back, insisting: “I want to be very clear. I do not believe what I said. That is not my view.”
EU-KIPPER OF THE YEAR
Boris Johnson brandished a kipper at his leadership hustings.
But his claim that he couldn’t have it delivered by post because of EU rules proved very fishy.
CHANNEL THAW NEWS
Channel 4 replaced no-shows Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage with melting ice sculptures during a debate on climate change.
Viewers probably judged their performance to be less drippy than Lib Dem leader Jo Swinson’s.
HUAWEI WITH YOU
Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson was sacked after an inquiry into who leaked details of a National Security Council meeting over plans to allow Chinese telecoms giant Huawei to help build Britain’s 5G network.
Downing Street said the PM had, “lost confidence in his ability to serve”, but he soon returned to Cabinet.
All sounds a bit, er, phoney.
INCREDIBLE BULK
Boris likened himself to The Incredible Hulk as he vowed to break free from EU shackles.
But when he showed schoolkids an image of the superhero during a school visit, a boy pointed at the huge muscles and said: “You’ve got boobies.”
BREXIT MARTYR OF THE YEAR
She failed to secure a Brexit deal and lost the Tories’ majority.
Yet Theresa May soldiered on with everyone against her.
When toppled, she didn’t quit Parliament in a huff or carp endlessly from the backbenches but showed more loyalty to her successor than he gave to her.
Mrs May could prove to be the finest ex-PM Britain ever had.
BREXIT SUPERHERO AWARD
Remainer lawyer Gina Miller blew thousands trying to stop Brexit — but unwittingly helped deliver it.
Her court victory gave Brexit-blocker MPs the right to vote down Theresa May’s “soft” departure deal.
But it set off a chain of events that put Bojo in No10 with a majority big enough to force through a much cleaner Brexit. Thanks, Gina.
LEAVERS OF THE YEAR
They spent the past three and a half years plotting to stop Brexit at every turn.
But at the General Election, voters sent them a clear message: Leave Parliament.
So good riddance to Dominic Grieve, Anna Soubry, David Gauke, Laura Pidcock, Chuka Umunna, Jo Swinson, Philip Lee, Antoinette Sandbach and Sam Gyimah.
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