Kate McCann didn’t want the twins to carry the ‘never ending torture’ of Maddie’s disappearance

LOOKING at her clasped hands, Kate McCann went quiet for a moment before looking me in the eye and saying: “If they find a body we will be devastated but it will bring the hell of living like this to an end.

“I just want to know if she’s alive or dead. Not knowing is the worst thing — a never-ending torture. Anyone with a missing child will tell you that.”

For 13 years Kate and husband Gerry, both 52, have endured that long, long hell.

Now with the news that German police have a suspect in prison who they believe killed Madeleine, Kate could finally see some kind of resolution for the family — even if it is not the one they had hoped for.

It would also mean one of her other big fears may not be realised — that her other children, twins Sean and Amelie, would have to carry on the search should Kate and Gerry die before they get answers. 

That day we talked about Madeleine’s body being found — the first time we had ever done so — was in May 2014.

We were meeting to discuss a new missing child alert service, launched by the charity Missing People, for whom Kate was an ambassador.

But then had come the news that British police had flown to Praia da Luz, the Portuguese resort where Madeleine was snatched in May 2007, to start digging in four places. 

Reports suggested that they were not only looking for evidence, but also for a body.

I sensed that Kate was tense from the moment she entered the room. I handed her a bouquet of green and yellow flowers — the colours of hope in Portugal — and she burst into tears.

For a while we talked about the new child alert service but then I asked her the question I had never asked before. 

For the seven years, at that point, since she went missing, Kate and husband Gerry had never countenanced talking about Madeleine in any other way than her being alive.

But as Kate firmly told me that day, they were not blind to the fact that the hope they hung on to may be unrealistic. She said: “There is also the worst-case scenario. That’s always been a possibility and anyone who thinks that we’re blinkered doesn’t know us.

“I have spent days thinking, ‘What would you rather? Not know, or find out something you didn’t want to hear?’

“I’ve spent hours thinking about that and, each time, I still come up thinking we need to know. Regardless now, we need to know.”

Kate’s belief that finding out Madeleine was dead was better than not finding her at all has been cemented through her work with Missing People.

Her campaigning with the charity has also led to dozens of children being reunited with their parents after innovations in tracing them were introduced in the UK.

They include billboard campaigns, smartphone apps, text alert systems as well as successfully campaigning for a child rescue alert system to be introduced in Europe.

But it has also brought her into contact with parents who have lived decades not knowing what happened to their child. 

After meeting Kate at a No 10 reception, Kerry Needham, whose son Ben disappeared in July 1991, admitted to me: “I must be her worst nightmare because I prove her situation could go on for years. What possible words of comfort could I ever offer her?”

On the day of my interview with Kate, the PR from Missing People told us it had just been the anniversary of the disappearance of Sandy Davidson, who had gone missing in Scotland aged three.

“How long has he been missing?” Kate asked, then visibly flinched at the reply “38 years”.