Mid-life crisis? Loyal ex dumped? Age-gap problem? Old fool Johnny Depp is such a cliche

WELL, now we know why Johnny Depp and wife Amber Heard looked so damn awkward in that video.

It wasn’t wilful petulance at being forced to apologise to Australia over the illegal status of their dogs.

It was because, by then, they simply hated each other.

Now their short-lived marriage is officially over and 30-year-old Amber is accusing her 52-year-old husband of throwing a mobile phone at her face, a claim she has backed up with a photo of her reddened cheek and a statement from a female friend who says she witnessed the incident, though police say no complaint was filed at the time.

Amber isn’t quite boiling Johnny’s bunnies on the stove, but it’s fair to say she’s doing a good job of trying to roast his reputation on the hotplate of public opinion

Meanwhile, in camp Johnny, we have first wife Lori Anne Allison saying he never so much as raised his voice to her, Vanessa Paradis — the mother of his two children — branding the claims “outrageous” and best pal Doug Stanhope accusing Amber of being “a demon” who recently threatened she was “going to pull off some ruse to f*** him over”.

Amber isn’t quite boiling Johnny’s bunnies on the stove, but it’s fair to say she’s doing a good job of trying to roast his reputation on the hotplate of public opinion. But whatever the truth behind the accusations, the whole sorry episode is perhaps a salutary tale for all those who reach mid-life and have their heads turned by the lure of romantic pastures new.

Depp had been with model and singer Vanessa for 14 years and they shared a seemingly idyllic life dotting between their homes in LA and St Tropez.

But familiarity breeds a contentment that all too many mistake for staleness or boredom, making them a sitting duck for the allure of a shiny new experience.

Johnny’s temptation came in the heavenly form of his Rum Diary co-star Amber, then in her twenties, childless and, therefore, spontaneous in a way a mother with young children can never be.

She was a free, bisexual spirit with firm thighs, flowing blonde locks and a come-hither smile.

How alluring she must have seemed to a man entering his sixth decade and, if his wardrobe is anything to go by, desperately clinging to his youth.

And for her, here was a genuine Grade-A Hollywood heart-throb at the top of his game, a sexy pirate with smouldering eyes and the box office success she could only dream of.

What a maddeningly attractive, power couple they would make.

But the brevity of the marriage suggests that once the initial phase of blind lust had passed and the rose-tinted spectacles had been placed on the bedside table, the rot swiftly set in.

Amber, we’re told, is a “party girl” who rapidly grew frustrated at her husband’s middle-aged reluctance to go out.

And, quelle surprise, he in turn started to feel irritated by her immaturity.

In other words, what to the outside world seemed like a glamorous, fairytale pairing rapidly fell victim to that most dull and pedestrian of relationship problems — age-gap incompatibility.

There’s no fool like an old fool.

Oh how Johnny must now be ruing the day he turned his back on the dependable love of a good woman and became such a dreary cliche.

Gazza’s self help

PAUL GASCOIGNE appears to be drinking again, aided and abetted by certain members of the public who have been lambasted for buying him booze.

Staff in his local stores now refuse to serve him for his own good, but last week a mini-cab driver was branded “idiotic” after taking him to an off-licence and buying a bottle of gin on his behalf.
A witness said: “It was horrific to watch. Someone needs to save Gazza.”

It’s not an ideal situation, granted, but random passers-by can’t be held responsible for troubled Paul’s addictions.

The only person who can “save Gazza” is Paul himself.

KATE and William took a taxpayer-funded, £5,000 helicopter trip back home to Norfolk after attending a royal garden party in London last week.

William’s spokesman said: “Safety, security, the need to avoid disruption and effective use of time are all considered.”

For which read: They wanted to get home quickly to see the kids.

An admirable sentiment and one shared by the millions of parents who juggle long work hours with making the stressful, self-funded journey home for ­bathtime. But the royal couple chose to live in rural Norfolk rather than London.

So when it proves inconvenient, they should pay for their helicopter home, not us.

Modern law man

JUDE LAW has been spouting forth on the modern man and their “fantastic” hands-on parenting skills.

He says: “You see a lot more men out nowadays with prams and buggies and doing the school run, and men being nannies.”

Indeed you do.

And one suspects that Jude’s previous amour, Sienna Miller, might have been thrilled if he’d employed a “manny” rather than the blonde temptress he ended up cheating on her with.

HOUSE prices on the Scottish waterside are growing faster than anywhere else in the UK, says a new survey. I’m not surprised.

This column comes to you from the picturesque banks of Scotland’s glorious Loch Tay, which has been bathed in 22 degree sunshine for the entire Bank Holiday weekend.

Meaning that, in future, when the Travis ditty “Why does it always rain on me?” comes on the radio, The Bloke will no longer be able to quip: “Because you live in Scotland.”

Taking Kit off is sexist

GAME Of Thrones actor Kit Harington says that men suffer the same “demeaning” sexism in the acting industry as women and that he often feels typecast as “a head of hair or a set of looks”.

He adds that he feels uncomfortable when asked to do topless scenes because “it can sometimes feel like your art is being put to one side for your sex appeal”.

Well, that perhaps explains the trademark moody pout of a man who’s being forced to miss the Champions League Final to go girly shoe shopping.

But fear not, Kit.

Get a short back and sides, stop pumping iron in the gym and get yourself a Ginsters loyalty card.

Problem solved.