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JEREMY CLARKSON

Obsession with cycle lanes is so mad… cities are dying on the Vine

Jeremy Clarkson

Published: 0:44, 5 Dec 2020
Updated: 0:49, 5 Dec 2020

WE were told this week that the Mayor of London is poised to “seize control” of the new cycle lane on Kensington High Street to stop the local council from scrapping it.

“Seize control”? It’s not the West Bank, or a television station in the war-torn capital of some West African dictatorship. It’s just a cycle lane.

Bicyclists’ helmet-in-chief Jeremy Vine says his £200 bike is faster than a £200,000 MaseratiCredit: BackGrid

His views have seen him go head-to-head with Nigel Havers, who understandably hates the Kensington cycle laneCredit: PA:Press Association

The problem is, though, that all across Britain, cycle lanes really are causing a simmering tension between the country’s normal people and its raving lunatics.

And this week that tension exploded into easily the most unexpected war of all time, between the actor Nigel Havers, who hates the Kensington cycle lane, and the bicyclists’ helmet-in-chief, radio DJ Jeremy Vine.

Vine is a seasoned campaigner.

He’s already ruined the lives of several people who’ve dared to get in the way of his bike, and is now only ever to be seen with a GoPro camera fastened to his head.

I wonder if his wife makes him take it off when they’re in bed . . . Let’s not think about that and move on.

This week Mr Vine wrote in support of the Kensington bicycle lane, saying that his £200 bike is faster than a £200,000 Maserati.

There is no such thing as a £200,000 Maserati but we will gloss over that.

He also said that if we paved over the whole of Britain, it would immediately fill up with cars.

So I did some checking and it turns out he’s wrong about that as well.

Because you could park all of Britain’s 38million motor vehicles, with space to spare, in the not very big county of Kent.

Vine's real problem seems to be thinking straight while balancing a camera on his headCredit: Splash News

I sometimes ride a bicycle in London but I'm always aware that I'm a guest in the world of the carCredit: AFP or licensors

Undaunted, Mr Vine ploughed on, saying that car adverts that glamorise speed make him very angry.

Even though no car advert has glamorised speed for 20 years or more. It’s against the law to even suggest a car can do more than 30.

I think the problem Mr Vine has is that it’s hard to think straight when you have to balance a camera on your head. So let me step in and become the peacemaker. Boutros Boutros-Clarkson.

I sometimes ride a bicycle in London but I am well aware that when I do so, I am a guest in the world of the car.

Which is why I would NEVER cycle on Kensington High Street. It’s too bloody dangerous.

Instead, I use the labyrinth of pretty back streets, where there are no buses or lorries.

It’s peaceful, it’s quiet, there are some tremendous houses to look at and, occasionally, I’ll see a famous actor, like Nigel Havers, who’ll give me a cheery wave.

Yes, it adds a few minutes to my journey but if speed was important, I’d have used a car. Or the Tube.

What I’d suggest, then, is that Sadiq Khan allows the council to remove the cycle lane experiment — the queues it’s caused are horrific — and concentrates on the more important problems facing the capital.

Like, for example, forcing Jeremy Vine to take that damn silly camera off his head. And asking him to go back to his day job, hosting a phone-in show for idiots.

Bank on it

THE Bank of England announced this week that there are 4.4billion bank notes in circulation currently, with a face value of £76.5billion.

And then they went on to say that £50billion is currently unaccounted for.

They literally have no idea where it is. I do. It’s in a dealer’s glovebox.

Who says footie's hard?

SO let’s just get this straight. Formula One driver Romain Grosjean ploughed through a metal barrier – sustaining 53g as he went from 140 mph to a dead stop in three feet – and emerged on the other side in half a car that was completely on fire.

And he climbed out, on his own, with nothing more than two lightly singed hands.

A Formula One driver ploughed through a metal barrier and emerged in half a car that was completely on fireCredit: Getty - Pool

Romain Grosjean climbed out, on his own, with nothing more than two lightly singed handsCredit: Rex Features

How did his heart not come off? Or his head? How did he breathe in that inferno for 28 seconds?

And why, when we see how tough the human body is, are we thinking of banning footballers from using their heads to steer a ball full of air into the goal?

Eton's example

SO let me see if I’ve got this straight.

Eton claims it encourages its pupils to think for themselves and not be slaves to peer pressure.

Then it sacks a teacher who’s done a thing on YouTube encouraging kids to think for themselves and not be slaves to peer pressure.

Trees before Bambi

THE Royal Horticultural Society was very pleased after it planted thousands of trees at a 154-acre site near Manchester.

But a bit worried that they’d all be eaten by deer.

The RHS was forced to apologise after shooting deer that were eating newly-planted trees near ManchesterCredit: Alamy

I feel their pain. Deer and hares have eaten most of the trees and hedgerows I planted last year.

The RHS planned originally to catch the animals and move them, but Covid restrictions meant this was impossible. So Bambi, I’m afraid, was shot.

Now everyone is jumping up and down saying they are “horrified” and the RHS has been forced to apologise.

But hang on. We’ve been told by the Government to plant 30million trees in Britain.

The RHS was helping to do just that. And it took the necessary steps to make sure the plants survived.

So what are they sorry for?

Face facts, fliers

HOLIDAYMAKERS are furious after EasyJet announced that passengers with heavy carry-on bags will be charged up to £24 to put them in the overhead lockers.

Er, hello. There’s been a virus which has damn nearly wiped out the airline industry and I’m sorry, but if we want it to survive – and we do – then we have to face up to the fact that it must use any means possible to recoup its losses.

End of the road, Rover

LIKE all petrolheads I see “the car” as something more than two tons of expensive metal and glass and plastic.

I see it as a living being, something with a soul, something with which you can have a relationship.

I'm heartbroken at the prospect of giving up my 13-year-old Range Rover Credit: BackGrid

My Range Rover is 13 years old. I have used it to take my children to school and to university.

It’s watched them grow up and it’s been with me through thick and thin, through good times and bad. It’s been a loyal companion, as important to me as your dog is to you.

And now it’s broken. And I’m heartbroken.

It went for a service at a local Land Rover specialist and a mile after I got it back, both turbos failed and oil flooded in to one of the cylinders, causing hydraulic lock.

It was fine when it went to them, its usual chirpy self. So God knows what they did to the poor thing. I can’t even bear to think about it.

All I do know at the moment is that the bill for putting it right is likely to be £4,500 plus VAT.

I’m not going to pretend I can’t afford that. But it is way more than the car is worth, so it makes no sense. I should just cut my losses, sell the car for parts and scrap and move on.

I can’t though. I just can’t.

They've only got themselves to blame

REPORTS are reaching us that Australia is enduring the hottest spring ever recorded and now there are fears that soon there will be a re-run of the devastating fires that broke out in last year’s hot spell.

Really?