Farmer Jeremy Clarkson… the man who puts the woe in Cotswolds

THE trouble with farming on television? It’s either incredibly earnest, like Countryfile, or it’s Rebecca Loos pulling off a pig on Channel 5.

There’s never been any middle ground.

 . . . Until now.

With apologies for lapsing into Top Gear punctuation but it’s impossible not to after watching eight back-to-back episodes of Clarkson’s Farm, an Amazon Prime gem which very nearly passed me by this week.

Fortunately, some crazy lady from The Guardian’s “Year Zero” project was so incensed by the show she let her woke fury get the better of a review and not only missed every available target, except herself, but flagged up the series’ dual-purpose brilliance in the process.

If you like Clarkson, you’ll love Clarkson’s Farm.

If you hate Clarkson, you’ll love it even more.

Without knowing one end of a sheep from the other, you see, the crazy old fool’s spaffed his fortune on a Cotswolds farm and the result is so funny and educational I’m surprised the NFU hasn’t replaced its tractor logo with Clarkson’s bison-like features and released an accompanying video: Farming — Here’s What Not To Do.

Episode two, he electrocutes himself on a sheep fence.

Episode five, he accidentally shoves his hand up a ewe’s anus. Episode six, one of her mates catches Clarkson in the b*****ks so perfectly, with a reverse high-kick, I’m assuming The Guardian had stopped watching by that point or some freelance gorgon would have rattled out: “Why vegan feminists are fighting back against the Clarkson patriarchy.”

It’s not just comedic, though. It’s a transformative process as well, with comparisons presenting themselves at every turn. If Clarkson was Black-adder on Top Gear, he starts out as Baldrick-on-the-Wold on this one, plans going awry from the moment he buys a Lamborghini tractor that’s too big for his barn.

It’s not until he’s p***ed off the whole of Oxfordshire, however, three or four hours into the run, that you actually realise Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Larry David has joined the cast of The Archers here.

And what a cast it is as well. Longest-suffering are his ridiculously good-looking girlfriend Lisa, who tears him a new one when he turns an “environmental area” into the Somme, and the show’s break-out star, tractor-driving Kaleb Cooper, who looks uncannily like a young, useful version of Boris Johnson and ends almost every other scene muttering: “F***ing idiot.”

The Fonz of the piece, for me, though, is a dry-stone-waller called Gerald, who speaks entirely in West Country vowels and is so cheerfully unintelligible they start adding German subtitles by about episode three.

Clarkson’s in thrall to all of them, of course, and Ellen the shepherdess, who has to castrate his lambs because they’ll start inbreeding or humping each other.

“And do the lady sheep do that as well?” Clarkson asks.

“Not as much.”

“So it’s not like the internet then?” “ . . . No.”

Clarkson’s deflated by that news, obviously, but not as crestfallen as he is at the series’ end, when he learns the entire year’s work has earned him earned him enough for half a round of drinks in Chipping Norton.

Financially, farming is unviable. Yet on television, it’s never looked so enticing, beautiful and well produced. A verdict which I know will get Sun conspiracy theorists twitching.

So I suppose I should declare an interest here to placate the flat-Earthers.

I’ve met Jeremy four times. On the last occasion he was in bed with a blonde Ukrainian model shooting a Deidre’s Photo Casebook Special — and I swore I’d never see him look happier. 

But the strange thing is, on Clarkson’s Farm he does. 

In fact, I’d go so far as to use the phrase “pigs in s**t” — but I’m rather hoping that’s series two.

'What if it's ginger?'

MOVING and sensitively handled scenes as EastEnders’ Mick Carter pledges his undying loyalty to wife Linda, who’s pregnant with Max the Mekon’s baby.

“I told you, I’ll be there. I promised you and I meant every word.”

“But what if it’s ginger?”

Fair point. You’re on your own, luv.

Great Euro 2020 insights 

RIO Ferdinand: “It’ll make people sit and stand up.”

Lee Dixon: “The one thing Gareth has got is the respect of the players and a good relationship with the Press.” Ian Wright: “Belgium have got a lot going forward and a lot coming back to go forward.”

• Compiled by Graham Wray

DEAF subtitle of the tournament. Courtesy of Crouchy’s Year-Late Euros and Jermaine Jenas, whose observation that the ball “smashed the referee in a naughty place” became “Smashed, Idi Amin actually”.

How? I don’t know, but I’m very glad it did.

TV gold

PETER Taylor: Ireland After Partition, on BBC2.

Balding colossus “Dilksy” returning for the final interrogation round of SAS: Who Dares Wins. Clarkson explaining London to sidekick Kaleb Cooper on Clarkson’s Farm: “You get stabbed, they won’t have that on CCTV. You take a cheeky left, they will.” And strongwoman Emmajane Smith restoring Scottish sporting pride as she broke the world record for crushing watermelons with your thighs, by 1.52 seconds, as This Morning’s Holly Willoughby commented: “If it’s too slippy, you can’t get that purchase between your thighs.”

Love telly, love sport.

Great TV lies and delusions of the month

Celebrity Gogglebox, Alice Arnold to Clare Balding: “You do not look like Gordon Ramsay.”

Yesterday, Today & The Day Before, Ellie Taylor: “I’m like the Clarkson of news, except the people sitting next to me aren’t t**ts.”

Life & Rhymes, Benjamin Zephaniah: “It gets better, people, because we’re going to have an open-mic night.”

Run.

A drama worth the Time

GIVEN the plot similarities, there was a very thin argument, I suppose, for calling Jimmy McGovern’s Scouse prison drama, Time, The Shawshankly Redemption.

But that would suggest a lightness of touch that’s completely missing from this unforgettable BBC1 mini-series, along with any sense of optimism and a Hollywood budget.

What McGovern’s script has managed to do, though, is wrench some breathtaking performances from the entire cast. Sean Bean, playing the guilt-ridden drunk driver Mark Cobden, and Stephen Graham, as the compromised prison officer, Eric McNally, are the obvious stand-outs.

You could fill the rest of an awards show short-list, though, with Brian “Jackson Jones” McCardie, the Scottish gangster running the wing, and James Nelson-Joyce, who plays Johnno, the psychopathic bully, who attempts to burn off Cobden’s feet.

These scenes make Time impossible to watch without a feeling of dread, but I recommend you do anyway.

Just don’t expect Sunday’s finale to end with an emotional reunion on Zihuatanejo beach. ’Cos I think it’s actually Southport Pier (BBC1, Sunday, 9pm). 

'Caring' comedy

COMEDY Central’s new all-female series Yesterday, Today & The Day Before is another one of those satirical shows which mistakenly believes it’s driven by compassion, rather than the vile and predictable political prejudices of the presenters and writers.

So, on the one hand, it cannot stop telling viewers how much it cares about the NHS and Covid victims. 

But on the other, host Thanyia Moore claims Boris and Carrie only got married because “they left the Queen feeling uncomfortable during their last visit”, as a means of delivering this “punchline”: “At least this time round it’s the Queen who’s unmarried . . . ”

A joke that might be lost on anyone who’s suffered a bereavement, or has a heart and a brain.

But crack on, ladies, and keep telling us how much you care.

Unexpected morons in the bagging area 

TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “In which decade was Queen Elizabeth II’s youngest child born?”

Tanya: “The 1840s.”

Ben Shephard: “The Halle Orchestra was founded in which northern English city?”

Carla: “Belf . . . Cardiff.”

Ben Shephard: “In Australia and New Zealand, a ‘long black’ is a variety of which hot beverage?”

Tori: “Beer.” 

Ben Shephard: “In taxation, what does the letter V stand for in VAT?”

Martin: “Before.”

(All contributions gratefully received.)

Random GB News opening-night irritations

ANDREW Neil’s enormous, out-of-sync head being filmed through a corned beef filter.

The black shipping-container sets. Neil Oliver’s microphone failing just as he said: “People’s voices aren’t being heard.” 

Presenting duos who all sound like 1980s detective series (De Piero & Halligan). Kirsty Gallacher’s response to the question: “What kind of news interests you?” “All kinds of news.”

And political editor Darren McCaffrey shooting for the moon with his announcement: “We’re going to spend more time talking about bus services.”

TAXI!