Jeremy Corbyn’s rail farce proves Labour has finally hit the buffers
I WISH I’d been a rail manager on board that Virgin train. The one where Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn was sitting on his ar*e on the floor, next to the khazi.
Jezza, below, refused a complimentary upgrade to first class and complained that there were no seats available in the revolutionary-socialist-solidarity- with-Cuba second class carriages.
“It’s ram-packed,” he told the world, sadly.
Oh no it wasn’t.
I’d have been on the train intercom in a jiffy.
“Would the bearded halfwit sitting by the toilet in Coach C please go back to Coach B where there are loads of free seats.
“He knows this because he walked straight past them about ten minutes ago.
“Oh, and when he’s done that, would he also take advantage of our wifi and search for employment more suited to someone with the IQ of a shrubbery than being the leader of a great national party.
“The next stop will be London King’s Cross, in approximately 32 minutes. Please remember to take your personal items with you, including that stupid hat like the one Trotsky used to wear.”
I’d be sacked, but it would be worth it.
Mr Corbyn Takes The Train was yet another act in the endless farce being played out in your newspapers every day.
This time Jeremy tried a spot of stupid, political grandstanding. He was badly caught out.
There were plenty of seats, Jezza. You knew that. You may be right that we should nationalise the railways — and the energy companies, come to that — but that doesn’t give you the right to slag off a company, wrongly, in a desperate attempt to gain political credibility.
Especially when it was obvious Virgin could prove you were telling porkies. Duh!
Meanwhile, Mr Corbyn’s rival, the Welsh political colossus that is Owen Smith, has been setting out his stall.
Having called Corbyn a lunatic — no complaints from me on that score — he announced an important policy decision.
Under Owen Ddiflas (that’s Welsh for boring as hell — I know, I looked it up), Labour would FIGHT! For a SECOND referendum about our EU membership. Well, that’s going to play really well with the voters, isn’t it? What a cunning plan.
Are you aware, Owen, that only one in five of the country wants a second referendum?
Are you aware that we had a perfectly good vote a couple of months back and the outcome was very clear?
And are you aware that outside London and right-on Brighton, Labour constituencies voted over- whelmingly in favour of Brexit?
And that to call for a second vote — to make sure we get things right this time! — is fundamentally undemocratic?
But Mr Smith does not give two hoots about any of that. He just hopes to hell that it might play nicely with some of the deranged activists who have taken over Labour in the past year. The people who have turned a once great party into a laughing stock.
Owen Smith versus Jeremy Corbyn for party leader. Was there ever a political contest less relevant to the country?
WE may have just discovered an Earth-like planet, but it’s too early to see aliens, according to a bunch of scientists.
We humans may be the first intelligent species in the universe — and we’ll have to wait ages for the little purple men to get in touch. This is the latest attempt to explain why we’ve never had any close encounters with creatures even weirder than Prince Charles.
My own guess is that they’ve seen what goes on down here and decided to stay the hell away.
Cole lot of needy oddballs
SO, where’s Cheryl Cole, or whatever name she’s using today? The pouting Geordie sleb hasn’t been seen for a while and fans are worried.
Especially since Ms Cole hasn’t been tweeting either. Lord help us all.
Her fans have been bombarding her with stuff like “We Miss U Cheryl, Where Are You” and “LUV U – where have you gone?”
Hiding as far away as possible from these needy, obsessive munchkins, I would imagine.
Just a guess.
A final ta-ta to Qatada
JIHADI hate cleric Abu Qatada has urged Muslims to leave the UK.
I suppose it’s a bit tempting to say: “Awww, no, don’t go – it’s been so much fun having you here.”
But that would be a disservice to the many decent Muslims who think Qatada is every bit as deranged as the rest of us know he is.
We kicked the bearded idiot out of the UK years ago and he said he was delighted to leave.
But after a few weeks in Jordan he wanted to come back because he was scared of being blown up by the Israelis.
We told him to get stuffed.
I know the Israelis have a lot on their plates at the moment, but surely they could lob a smallish ICBM in old Abu’s direction?
My bush tucker
AN Australian scientist has discovered that love-making lasts an average of just over five minutes.
That’s not very long when you’ve just forked out for dinner and a bunch of flowers, is it?
And it’s led to advice as to how we might make sex last a bit longer.
My tip is this. Break off half-way through for a snack.
My choice is usually a chicken balti pie and some chips and I usually fill in a couple of sudokus while eating. Then, back to work.
I find, using this method, it can usually stretch to six or even seven minutes – longer if I have two pies, or it’s a very challenging sudoku.
Truth is a victim
A YOUNG British woman is stabbed to death in Australia, apparently by a psychotic jihadi.
Poor Mia Ayliffe-Chung had been on a working holiday. The attack was unprovoked, unless you count being an infidel.
What have the authorities said? “We are not ruling out any motivations at this early stage, whether they be criminal or political”.
They’re also looking into possible “mental health issues” or drug use. Listen, cobber: The murderer screamed “Allahu Akbar!” Does that give you a bit of a clue, you drongos?
Meanwhile, we still haven’t been told the name of the woman who attacked three people with a machete in Brussels.
Again, authorities said the attacker had mental health issues. Hmmm. CCTV footage shows the woman wearing a headscarf. But maybe it was windy and she didn’t want her hair messed up during her stabfest.
As I said last week, the authorities will lie and lie to keep the truth from us.
Social mediua stress
APPARENTLY today’s teenagers are often depressed and miserable and stressed out about stuff.
Especially the girls – they seem to be largely worried about how fit they look. They always used to worry about that, of course.
But it’s got far worse as a consequence of the internet and social media. The internet was supposed to be liberating.
But it’s mainly used for pornography, downloading pictures of cats that look like Hitler – and teens posting selfies.
And then popping off to sulk when other teenagers make nasty comments about their appearance.
EU Remainers heading for NZ
MORE brilliant Brexit news. Unemployment down, more houses being built, more investment coming in, economy looking good.
Even as a leaver myself I didn’t imagine things would be this rockin’.
I believed some of that Project Fear stuff, you see.
Meanwhile, it’s reported that Brits are emigrating to New Zealand because of Brexit. Really? I wasn’t aware the Kiwis were members of the EU.
I suspect the hordes of people still coming into the country are the main reason people want to get out to New Zealand, no?
Dead happy
THERE was a hugely helpful graph on the Sun's website yesterday. It told you how you were likely to die, and when.
You just enter your current age, sex and race and the magical chart tells when you’re likely to croak.
I was delighted to find that I’m going to kick the bucket aged 105 while pleasuring a team of American cheerleaders, called stuff like Brandi-May and Cherry Popsicle.
That might well be, though, because I fed in the data for Usain Bolt.