The thought of having more kids repulses me and fills me with fear and loathing
TAMZIN Outhwaite is now in a relationship with a man 20 years her junior and has no intention of having more children, even if her partner Tom wants one.
The brilliant actress, 51 — I mention her age because it is relevant — says: “No way. I’m done.”
Elsewhere in the UK, after years of longing to become a mother, Kelly Clarke gave birth to her first child in March at the same age.
This was despite naysayers and close members of her family casting doubt on Kelly becoming a single mum at such an advanced time in her life.
Both women’s situations resonate with me.
I have written with great fire and passion about my maternal instincts, which manifested themselves when I was still very young.
About how it was my single ambition and my raison d’être.
Like Tamzin, I have now turned a different corner, into a life I wasn’t actually expecting to lead.
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A single woman at 54 with nearly grown-up Ungratefuls.
And for me, the very idea of contemplating more children does nothing but, quite frankly, repulse me and fill me with fear and loathing.
But Tamzin and Kelly are a positive sign of women taking control of their fertility.
It really is one of Mother Nature’s greatest inequities — the declining fertility of a woman aged over 35.
Men’s fertility does not really start to decline for another ten years or so.
Women are born with all the eggs they will ever possess, while men happily produce millions of fresh sperm daily.
Perhaps it’s for that reason we so readily accept a man in his seventies becoming a dad — or even older, like Bernie Ecclestone at 89.
Yet we frown on older women fulfilling their dreams of becoming mums when they’re nudging 50.
The flip side for women, of course, is that we are constantly badgered, from a young age, about when we are starting a family.
I have to confess, I have in the past commented on random, extraordinary international stories of women nearing their sixties giving birth.
And while I maintain it is madness — just because it’s possible doesn’t mean you should do it — I have to accept it’s bizarre proof of a woman’s uterine autonomy.
When I met my now ex-husband at 39, we initially split up because he wanted children and I already had three of the blighters and couldn’t contemplate another.
But while I was nearing 40, I thought that if it happened naturally, I would.
And it did.
As a result, I was labelled a “4x4” because my four children have four biological fathers, despite the fact that one simply pollinated me then buzzed off.
But I’ve lived with commentary on my mother-hood for many, many years and it’s a cheap shot.
It diminishes us as women when we are simply reduced to our fertility status.
So much of society is focused on our role as women becoming and being mothers.
I’ll refrain from getting on my soapbox about ageing women who, like me, are beyond baby-making age and have historically been cast aside as we no longer “have a purpose”.
COERCED INTO CONTRACEPTION
Tamzin and Kelly are great life stories of women empowered by reclaiming control, making the right choices for them, showing fortitude and determination when it comes to decisions about their wombs.
But I have to give myself a good talking to because these are a very small proportion of women fortunate to live in cultures and societies which “allow” them this control.
We know fertility itself is so often down to luck.
But decisions about it should not be down to luck, geopolitics or how we chose to live our lives.
How many women across the world are forced into arranged marriages and compelled to have children, whether they wish to or not?
How many women and girls are coerced into using or not using contraception by people who do not own their reproductive systems?
It should be every woman’s right to have autonomy over her body but the tragic fact is that not all do.
And until all women have that right, none of us really do.
Harry’s frock and awe
KUDOS to the young Harry Styles, who has been photographed wearing some incredibly outlandish, stylish and feminine outfits in a shoot for Dazed magazine.
He wears a dress well. And heels even better.
I think it’s a bold and brilliant move on Harry’s behalf to cause such confusion in our brains, when we initially thought that all he’d ever amount to was being a boybander.
I have a daughter who was obsessed with him and sported a T-shirt announcing that she was “The Future Mrs Styles”.
Awkward as she was only 12.
Harry is becoming so much more than any of us could ever have imagined, all the while unsettling our perception of gender and challenging what we think a man is and should be.
Styles has definitely got style, there’s little doubt about that.
It's another win for misogyny
RUMOUR has it Jack Grealish had been playing away a fair bit before he was supposed to be playing away against San Marino on Monday night.
He wasn’t playing in the World Cup qualifier due to an injury.
And supposed trysts with actress Emily Atack and Love Islander Amber Gill, away from his long-term girlfriend Sasha, have come to the fore.
As per usual, there is pity for the long-term girlfriend, with Emily and Amber being trolled for purportedly “stealing” him.
But all the while, Jack remains a golden boy in the England team, while the rest of the world awaits handbags at 20 paces between the women.
Reminds me of a certain Swedish England manager who had an affair with a Swedish TV presenter while he maintained he wasn’t in a long-term relationship with Nancy Dell’Olio (or Nancy of the Oil as she was dubbed in my house).
Without warning, the story became about two women fighting over one man.
Many a football analogy later – such as Nancy 1 Ulrika 0 – turned a tale of a weak, selfish man into a story about two desperate women.
Without hesitation, I bowed out.
There was no way I was going to battle for, or be seen to be battling for, a spineless, poor excuse for a bloke who didn’t have the courage of his own convictions to take responsibility for his actions.
Not much has really changed in football over the past two decades.
Misogyny is still the highest scorer.
Heart stolen by the sofa
WRITING for this newspaper, relationship expert Kate Taylor explains that buying a small sofa and doing a crossword can help you resist cheating.
These sound like very wise words, especially as she backs it up with all sorts of fancy science.
It seems to indicate that our self-control is managed by the prefrontal cortex in the brain that regulates impulses and helps us make sensible decisions.
When this is underused, it can lead to recklessness.
Her recommendation is that we should do word games, puzzles or study languages to calm us down a bit.
I’m currently engaged in a long stint of dating for the E4 show Celebs Go Dating.
And I have to confess, it’s all pretty exhausting.
Never have I been asked to date so encouragingly, dig deep and hone what little skills I may have in that department.
Personally, I haven’t felt the inclination to cheat since I did on my first husband some 26 years ago. It causes pain and stems from unadulterated selfishness. It was a hard lesson to learn.
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The prospect of a sofa and a crossword sounds more appealing than ever for me right now because I have to admit all that dating is leaving this old bird pretty darn knackered.
I don’t think I would even have the energy to contemplate fooling around. However, I am developing a very beautiful relationship with the sofa during my days off.
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