UK’s top 20 Christmas cracker jokes – including why Boris Johnson is bad at Scrabble & a very cheeky Matt Hancock gag

FROM naughty elves being “given the sack” to a scared Santa being branded “Claustrophobic”, we’ve heard them all. 

Up to 154 million Christmas crackers are pulled in the UK every year – and inevitably, 154 million groans and muffled laughs follow the joke inside being read aloud.

UKTV channel Gold polled 2,000 Brits to find their favourite festive gags and presented their Top 20, ahead of its seasonal comedy programming.

Current affairs provided ample fodder for this year’s entries, with jokes about the shortage of HGV drivers and the soaring cost of living making the list.

The Sun’s exclusive about Matt Hancock’s affair also features among the festive funnies as well as the Netflix hit Squid Game and Covid vaccines.

Other notable mentions playfully mock Sir Keir Starmer, the Friends cast’s reunion, Jackie Weaver, Coleen Rooney, Jeff Bezos and Emma Raducanu.

Comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who shortlisted the jokes, said: “The British public’s fantastic sense of humour never ceases to amaze me!”

Here we share the Christmas corkers – and trust us, yule be sorry if you don’t read them.

20. What is Coleen Rooney’s favourite Christmas game? Guess Who.

19. What pantomime are the government doing this year? Chris Whittington.

18. Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas? She has snow authority.

17. Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning? He’ll still have no presence.

16. Which ‘Friends’ character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app? Chandler Ping.

15. Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have? The Wiser Jab.

14. Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner? They know she’s unlikely to drop a set.

13. Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents? She had him up against a wall.

12. Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas? Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels.

11. Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson? He keeps going back on his word.

10. Why can Netflix afford calamari at Christmas? They’re Squids in. 

9. How do you know the heating bill for December is too high? Dad won’t even let you open the windows on your advent calendar.  

8. Why didn’t Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers? It was just two deer.

7. Why did Rudolph’s nose have to self-isolate? It failed the lateral glow test. 

6. Which vaccine did Father Christmas get? Mince Pfizer. 

5. Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty’s Christmas dinner? Aunty Vaxxer.  

4. What’s Piers Morgan’s favourite Christmas song? Walking off on air.  

3. Why won’t Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson see each other this Christmas? They all want space.

2. Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year? Because Turkey is on the red list but vegetables are all green.

1. Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this Christmas? The cost of gas is too high.