Celebrity Hunted has no celebs and no one wants to find them
ON Channel 4, Sunday night, Made In Chelsea’s Ollie Locke-Locke and husband Gareth attempted to escape capture by “an elite team of ex-police and military personnel” by jumping in Del Boy’s yellow three-wheeler.
No, seriously, they did.
And to ensure their safe getaway, they then tootled off down Chelsea’s King’s Road, at a steady 13 miles per hour, while the hunter force marvelled at their “bravado”.
“They’re either stupid,” said security expert Doctor Steve Hersee, weighing up every alternative explanation, before his voice tailed off and he gave up completely.
“Or . . . ”
Or nothing.
There are only degrees of stupidity on Celebrity Hunted, C4’s C-list hide-and-seek game, where they really have pushed the title’s credibility way beyond snapping point this time round.
Giddy heights
For even if you start at the very height of their fame, you’re just left staring at Olympic athlete Iwan Thomas, who’s partnered here by Paralympian Richard Whitehead and rather brilliantly, viewers discovered, drives a car with the registration plate “RUN 400M.”
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No small ego, has Iwan.
From those giddy heights, however, it’s a fairly dramatic descent via Holby City’s Chizzy Akudolu (D0L3 Q) and “pop star” Lisa Maffia, via the Locke-Locke partnership, all the way down to former The Circle contestant, Chloe Veitch and drag act called The Vivienne (V1V WH0?).
“Can they leave their privileged lifestyles behind?” the narrator wondered, somewhat optimistically.
Well, put it this way, I don’t think the Oscars ceremony is sweating on their safe return.
Nor is Mensa, as you get the distinct impression a well-trained Border Collie could’ve had all eight of them rounded up before the first ad break.
Channel 4, though, has six long weeks to fill, which probably means the more interesting battle is the off-screen one going on between the hunter force and the production team.
The former would, I think, rather concentrate on the easiest duo to catch.
The latter would almost certainly prefer to keep the camera on the two biggest a***holes.
On this issue, it’s no contest. They are Chloe Veitch and The Vivienne, whose entire livelihoods depend on their ability to draw attention to themselves.
So no sooner were they on the run than they were dressing up as old ladies and asking a passer-by: “Do you know who we are?”
Remarkably, he did, so they hid at a central London flat belonging to Jeremy Joseph, who was described as “The Vivienne’s suspected agent”, in much the same way a bloke with petrol and matches is sometimes described as a “suspected arsonist”.
The episode finished with the hunters circling and C4 trying to make us believe a capture was imminent.
Unfortunately, though, they’d already blown the ending in the opening credits, where we saw a still-on-the-loose Chloe and The Vivienne alongside some mountains.
A staggeringly inept bit of editing and one of those moments that would normally leave me worrying for the future of Channel 4 if this line-up and production is the best it can do for one of its showcase Stand Up To Cancer events.
All my thoughts at this difficult time, though, are with the good people of North-East England, as there’s been a significant personnel change on Hunted.
Chief Ben Owen has been “vanished”, presumably for gender reasons, and replaced by Lisa Theaker, who is Assistant Chief Constable of Cleveland.
Not “Ex”, you notice, she’s the current serving Assistant Chief Constable, who you’d think would have better things to do than take part in a TV game of twat-and-mouse.
But no, there was Lisa, on Sunday, talking a good game as the hunter force surrounded Iwan Thomas’s house and moved in for the kill. Only to discover . . .
“Oh. He’s obviously not there.”
“The question is now,” said Lisa, channelling all the expertise she’d accumulated in over 100 successful manhunts, “Where’s he gone?”
Rest easy, Cleveland. She’ll be on your case soon.
Martin is top of the cops
IT’S seems almost inconceivable that the same BBC1 drama department which shoved a time-bomb up Jules Verne’s fundament and destroyed Around The World In 80 Days could also make something as brilliant as The Responder, with Martin Freeman.
But it did, and despite having an industry standard plot about a cocaine haul that goes missing, it succeeded for three very obvious reasons.
The first was Tony Schumacher’s script, which never forgot to lighten the heavy gangster load with humour and absolutely perfect cultural references, covering everything from Goodfellas and The Sopranos to Derek Acorah and his spirit guide Sam.
The second and third were the cast and characters who were so perfectly rounded you could make a spin-off series about nearly all of them.
Pick of the bunch, however, probably being Josh Finan and Emily Fairn, who stole the show (and the cocaine) as Marco and “Town centre Casey” and are now destined to be nominated for all sorts of awards alongside Martin Freeman’s turn as urgent response officer Chris Carson.
As important as getting all these things right, of course, was the fact that The Responder also avoided throwing itself into the preachy, right-on trap that gobbled up 80 Days, Rules Of The Game and everything else the Beeb’s churned out recently.
A second series is the easiest decision of the year, but I would also like to think the BBC’s capable of working out why the network’s best drama since Line Of Duty is also its least woke drama since Line Of Duty.
I’m not holding my breath, though.
THE Woman In The House Across The Street From The Girl In The Window (Netflix). So dull I fell asleep halfway through the title.
FASTEST switch-off of the week? Winterwatch, Chris Packham: “Hares eat their own faeces. Why would an animal do this? Let me demonstrate.”Click.
4.36 seconds.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In food, the fried dish made from leftover ingredients such as potatoes and cabbage is called bubble and what?”
Natasha Baker: “Squash.”
Romesh: “In heraldry, the two animals either side of the shield in Australia’s coat of arms are a kangaroo and which flightless bird?”
Christine Ohuruogu: “A hawk.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “The red half of Manchester is a reference to which football club?” Rachel: “Liverpool.”
Bradley: “In 2020 who did Tyson Fury defeat to become WBC heavyweight champion?”
Eirlys: “Henry Cooper.”
URGENT subtitles clarification, re: Clodagh McKenna’s potato rosti recipe on last Thursday’s This Morning.
She definitely said “using”, not (repeat NOT): “Cook them in boiling water for one minute until al dente then drain Jews and a tea towel.”
WISHFUL thinking time at Channel 4’s Mucky Mansion as Katie Price prepares to unveil a new addition to the bedroom.
“The legs have been cut off. All I need to do now is put a knob on.
“And. There. Is . . . ”
Oscar Pistorius?
“A bedside table.”
Oh well. Maybe next time.
Random TV irritations
HUMBLE-BRAGGING Sandi Toksvig letting Channel 4 viewers know “I’ve been using my OBE as a coaster”, while wearing it on The Last Leg.
The damning inability of Apprentice candidates to spell the word Arctic.
BBC3 being brought back to fill an imaginary gap in the drag queen and “noisy-young-t**t” market.
And Tuesday night’s EastEnders credits flagging up a helpline for people “suffering with feelings of desperation”.
Which was very thoughtful of them, but I’ve got to try to contact the ghost spirit of Mad Frankie Fraser to see if he can recommend a good dentist first.
Great sporting insights
MARTIN KEOWN: “The first touch was perfection. The second, even better.”
Steve Harmison: “Both batsmen started their innings on nought.”
Darren Bent: “When you look at the players he’s got there like James McClean and Charlie Wyke, who’s unfortunately not there . . . ”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. Mucky Mansion, Katie Price: “I think this paint dries pretty quick.”
Not from where I’m watching.
TV gold
BBC1’s The Responder.
Bez’s Dancing On Ice Indiana Jones routine.
The Masked Singer featuring Michael “Doughnuts” Owen, accompanied by a breakdancing hotdog.
And Lily James’ uncannily brilliant performance as Pamela Anderson on Pam & Tommy, a morally dubious but undeniably enjoyable Disney+ production which flagged up everything (sex, nudity, bad language, smoking), except the talking penis that appeared in episode two.
But then, I suppose, DIY SOS never flagged up a warning over Nick Knowles either.
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Celebs Go Dating’s “snivelling 12-year-old manchild” Ryan “dash” Mark Parsons and the Wild Screaming Woodchuck Scout from Recess, apparently.
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Sent in by Ricky James.
Picture research: Marta Breese