The X Factor went back to basics for the new series… it seems like the viewers just went

THREE weeks into ITV’s 11-month karaoke hell and the invitations to lash out continue to arrive at pleasingly regular intervals.

Since the last review, we’ve had: A contestant called “Gifty” (I’d keep the receipt). A raucous quartet called Girl Next Door (to an abattoir?).

And, worst of all, a half man/half wedding cake called Ottavio Columbro who said: “If you don’t like me, you can jogon.com.”

At which point, I swear, the London Marathon, Pamplona Bull Run and Kim Jong Un’s 32nd birthday parade all thundered past my living room.

On the face it of then, all is well again with The X Factor, a show I watched on “delay”, this weekend. A delay from about August 2007, by the looks of things, although there’s absolutely no denying all the main component parts are back now working in something like harmony.

Most obviously, it’s got the right host, Dermot O’Leary, who is a vast improvement on Olly Murs and his mate.

The same applies to the judging panel, who may be rather elderly, and down-right decrepit in Sharon Osbourne’s case, but have a degree of wit and chemistry the younger alternatives all lacked.

They’ve also had a refreshing outbreak of honesty about their cosmetic surgery, since they were last together.

They could hardly do anything else, of course, given the persistent use of flashbacks and Sharon’s new startled battery hen look.

But the candour’s appreciated, as is the show’s back-to-basics use of bus nutters, bag ladies and other contestants who are basically unwell. My favourites so far have included the Impossibly Possible Zak Daven, who performed in the crouch position, Mr Friday Night Beck Martin and Poland’s Zbigniew Balczak, who did indeed dance like he had a big new ball sack.

They all deserve to be the stuff of X Factor legend, water cooler chat and monster ratings.

Yet none of it’s happening.

Why?

Familiar problems, to a certain extent. Simon and the gang may have embraced the bus nutters but they certainly haven’t weaned themselves off sob stories, despite a welcome absence at the weekend.

The honesty isn’t all encompassing either, which means the show continues to pretend foreign contestants, like Ivy Grace Paredes, are wide-eyed innocents even when a quick look at Google will quickly tell you she’s already done the gloriously named Talentadong show in her native Philippines.

If you want to lose your audience, then treating them like morons is the quickest way to do it. If you want the defining image of the series, though?

Then it’s Simon Cowell arriving at the King Power Stadium, announcing: “The whole world is talking about Leicester.”

Which it was, back in May.

Just like a large chunk of Britain was talking about The X Factor, back in 2007.

But time moves on, and though the show may have gone back to basics, the audience seems to have gone elsewhere and doesn’t appear to be coming back any time soon. Simon Cowell may be well aware of this, of course, and it could be that he’s now quite happy just to use ITV and The X Factor as a recruitment exercise for his record label.

Lovely for him, but where the hell does that leave the poor old viewer?

Well, according to Sunday’s trailer, there’ll be a woman in a mobility scooter who’s obsessed with a cockatoo, on this weekend’s show.

Two of them, in fact, if Geri Spice returns.

GREAT Sporting Insights. Michael Owen: “With all due respect, no one paid Leicester any respect.”

Greg Jennings: “When someone kneels for the national anthem you have to commend them for making a stand.”

Benik Afobe: “Honestly, Jack Wilshere hasn’t got a harmless bone in his body.”

And Sir Jeff Stelling: “No goals at the moment, it’s Man United 0 Man City 1.”

(Compiled by Graham Wray).

Bishop’s Church love in

SOMEONE needs to explain the appeal of John Bishop to me.

To these ears, he’s just another pub funny comedian.

To television people, however, he’s a combination of Chris Rock, Michael Palin and now Graham Norton.

So the W channel has given him a chat show. John Bishop In Conversation With . . . (brace yourselves) Charlotte Church, who worked herself into a self-righteous fury over capitalism, Tories, austerity and “the Murdoch press”, who have been persecuting her since 2001.

Although I remember Charlotte hiding this torment well when she guest-edited our Bizarre column, many years later.

Contrary to her grievously misleading Leveson evidence, Charlotte does now admit BBC Radio1’s Chris Moyles Show and the internet were responsible for vile comments about her 16th birthday, rather than the tabloids.

However, this was clearly not the show to confront the fact she once moaned about paying 40 per cent tax, on Have I Got News For You.

Nor, alas, was the grovelling host about to remind her she also backtracked spectac– ularly over a wish to hand over 70 per cent of her income when it became clear HMRC would welcome her voluntary donations.

Indeed, so agreeably tame was Bishop you could almost believe he was using Church to push his own narrow, anti-press, left-wing agenda.

But that’s just me being paranoid.

Thursday’s guest is Steve Coogan.

- OBSERVATION round (answer at foot of this column). Who recently said: “You’ve got a great penetration with the syrup.”?

A) Mary Berry on The Great British Bake Off?

B) Brucie’s dry cleaner?

Last Leg lot put the foot in

EARS pricked up briefly, Wednesday night, when it was announced Last Leggers Alex Brooker and Josh Widdicombe would be “doing something different” later on Channel 4.

Getting a sincere laugh? Delivering a punchline without corpsing at their own imagined brilliance?

Neither, unfortunately. They were just goofing around, in cloud outfits, at the Paralympics Opening Ceremony, an occasion marred only by outbreaks of pointless commentary from the likes of Rob Walker, who actually said out loud: “As far as visually-impaired athletes are concerned, the guides are of paramount importance.”

No s**t, Rob.

Although, in terms of unhelpful information, he was possibly outdone by co-commentator Caroline De Moraes, who assured us, “The Cariocas’ beaches are a big part of Rio’s identity”, just in case you’d been thinking it was all ice rinks and flugelhorns down there.

A crime really that so many C4 employees thought an occasion as beautiful and funny as this opening ceremony needed more of their blether.

Happily, nothing could diminish the extraordinary moment torch-bearer Marcia Malsar pulled herself upright again after collapsing in front of the massed ranks of wheelchairs. Not even Krishnan Guru-Murthy announcing: “The crowd rise to their feet.”

Although it came pretty close, obviously.

RE: Camp X Factor nuisance Ottavio: “You’ve got Cher, you’ve got Prince, you’ve got Ottavio.”

Paging Prince’s GP. Come in, Prince’s GP.

We’ve got a live one here.

lTV Gold: The slick rebooting of Cold Feet (best show on telly).

E4’s addictively idiotic Celebs Go Dating series.

Grant Mitchell flattening Ian Beale, on Thursday’s EastEnders.

Secrets Of The SAS, on Channel 5.

And the late Friday/early Saturday repeat of Channel 4’s Naked Attraction. A series which wouldn’t normally have appeared in this section, without the addition of a relatively prim-looking woman signing for the deaf, at genital level, who has to grope, thrust and jiggle her way – for an entire hour – through sentences like: “I don’t mind big balls, as long as they’re not too hanging.” Add alcohol and, I can almost guarantee, you’ll wheeze with laughter for the duration.

BULBOUS, name-dropping halfwit Piers Morgan returned to his work experience duties on Good Morning Britain last week, after another unsuccessful stint in the St Tropez branch of Fat Camp, with this rather telling question for Tulisa Contostavlos:

“What is the trick to having a fabulous physique?”

“I’ve definitely changed my diet now, I’m very much into juicing and I do think moderation in . . .”

Woaaaah there, Tulisa. You lost him at “diet”.

QUIZ show imbecile of the week. Think Tank, Bill Turnbull: “Kevin, Bob and Stuart are the three main characters in which 2015 film?”

Anisha: “The Kray Twins.”

RANDOM TV irritations: BBC News sounding about 1,000 years old with its box-ticking report on “The urban grime scene”.

Piers Morgan failing to pick up Tulisa on the revelation: “I’m literally in a relationship with my dog.” Celebs Go Dating moron

Charlotte Crosby shouting EVERY. SINGLE. WORD.

All those female journalists who think they’re “just like Bridget Jonezzzzz”.

And Sue Perkins contriving to miss the Bake Off episode when Mel Giedroyc asked: “Who wants to eat a bit of carpet?”

GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. Celebrity Home Secrets, Janet Street-Porter: “I don’t want to name-drop, but I was at Elton John’s house one night and . . .”

Celebrity Home Secrets, Janet Street-Porter: “I’m not being big-headed when I say my house is fantastic.”

And Celebrity Home Secrets, Janet Street-Porter: “I don’t like to be tied to one place.”

Yeah, unless it’s the winner’s enclosure at Aintree.

Lookalikes

THIS week’s £69 winner is Philip Green, the utterly adorable former BHS boss, and Danny DeVito as The Penguin in Batman Returns.

Sent in by Ross Honeycombe, Broxbourne, Herts. Picture research, Charlotte Somerville.

- OBSERVATION round answer. It’s C) Both, probably.