Ollie Locke, Lydia Bright, Karen Danczuk and The Hotel’s Mark Jenkins… yes, it’s desert island d***s
Sun TV columnist says Bear Grylls’ Celebrity Island has effectively destroyed its own USP by introducing celebs
OLLIE LOCKE was in a particularly obliging mood as he hacked his way through Pacific jungle on Sunday night.
“I’m known as the camp one from Made In Chelsea,” he explained, helpfully. “But is there an Alpha male waiting, screaming to come out of me?”
There’s probably one every other night, Ollie, but he can’t help you now. You’re stuck, for the next four weeks, on Bear Grylls’ Celebrity Island, a spin-off from a Channel 4 show I once described as “the best thing on television” before it started screwing around with the format.
First they caved into anti-sexism vigilantes, combined both genders in one camp and ruined everything that was funny about the first two series.
Now it’s effectively destroyed its own USP by introducing celebrities, a couple of whom have already done time in ITV’s Australian jungle.
The justification used here is that it’s part of Channel 4’s Stand Up To Cancer campaign, although no one seems to have told Bear Grylls, who’s still using the show to product place his clothing range.
Bless their hearts, though, the celebrities have waived their fee and some of them, like Dom Joly, are worth every penny. Others, like comedian Josie Long, who hears voices in her head telling her she’s funny, clearly aren’t and should have paid Channel 4 for the privilege.
Any pre-show buzz that existed, however, surrounded the inclusion of “selfie queen” Karen Danczuk, who demonstrated a pleasing grasp of the truth with her very first contribution. “I’m desperately trying not to flash my bum at yer,” said Karen, desperately trying to flash her bum at everyone.
I’d like to tell you there was more to Karen than this sort of weapons-grade attention seeking but it’s hard to tell, because Bear has also “supplied them with some basic tools”.
Namely, Ollie Locke, Lydia Bright from Towie, and The Hotel’s Mark Jenkins, who lost no time in establishing his t**t credentials by arriving in a pith helmet.
He’s an absolute beginner, though, compared with the first two, who are not alive unless they’re on camera.
To see Ollie and Lydia in action, usually either crying or talking about themselves, is to understand exactly why ITV has now banned these showboating reality gonks from taking part in I’m A Celebrity.
There’s a further argument that says you should also ban the cameras and just dump a bunch of minor celebrities on a desert island, then come back in 12 months time to see if they’ve eaten each other.
Personally, though, I’m kind of glad they didn’t.
Showboating reality gonks
’Cos timing is everything with television and Celebrity Island has finally given those of us who don’t understand the appeal of Poldark or Victoria something entertaining to watch on a Sunday night.
It helps, of course, that the celebs nearly all went to pieces within 24 hours, crying their eyes out, dehydrating, getting hopelessly lost and making “Papa to Bravo” calls to Bear’s emergency team like they were room service at The Dorchester.
Worst of the lot is undoubtedly little Aston Merrygold, from JLS, who’s “Definitely NOT a diva”. No siree.
He does, however, talk a lot about his career (in the present tense), is forever on the verge of quitting the show and signalled the end of his involvement by asking this question. “Why don’t I just go and do what I’m good at?”
Papa to Bravo, Papa to Bravo. Man about to backflip. Stand well back. (Celebrity Island, Sunday, Channel 4, 9pm).
- THOSE Joanna Lumley ITV travelogues in full. “Japan. A land as magical as it is surprising.” “Communist China. A land full of surprises.” “Greece. A country as different and surprising as any I’ve visited.” And that, my travel-weary friends, is bloody surprising.
TV GOLD
BBC1’s Would I Lie To You? James Bolam and John Thomson’s pillow-smothering scene on Cold Feet.
Celebrity Juice’s Mega Lips game. Alex Brooker’s beautiful Last Leg tribute to the remarkable Alex Zanardi.
And the response Adam Hills received when he asked triathlon gold medallist Andy Lewis: “Why don’t the swimmers wear their prosthetics?”
“We’d drown.” Yeah, but apart from that . . .?
£50 max for Mel and Sue
IF only for the potential of her first name, Wednesday night was one of those rare occasions when I really missed the first lady of TV cookery, Fanny Cradock.
Just think what she could’ve added to “batter week” on The Great British Bake Off, which I watched three times in an attempt to work out the breakdown of Channel 4’s £75million.
As far as I could tell, about £50 of that belonged to Mel and Sue’s whimsical b*****ks and silly voices and another £100 went on Mary Berry’s sweet nothings.
The one genuine surprise was that Channel 4 would probably have to fork out a bit more for the self-raising ego of Paul Hollywood, who’s the only one of the regular quartet who has both on and off-screen presence.
But that still leaves £74,999,725 to explain. And to be honest, food budget aside, I can’t account for a penny.
Indeed, after a whole week of “blah” and “blah blah blah”, only two things can be agreed about Bake Off.
The first is that by spending £75million, Channel 4 has destroyed its public service remit and halved the audience.
The second is that if they appoint the equally mirthless Jo Brand to replace Mel and Sue they will double the food budget.
Well done everyone.
- THIS Morning Q&A of the week. Actor/chef Leon Ockenden: “This recipe goes right back to the Aztec times when the Aztecs used to have chilli and chocolate as a treat.” Ruth Langsford: “I wonder who first thought chilli and chocolate would be nice?” “The Aztecs.”
- GOOD Morning Britain, the hottest September day since records began, Piers Morgan: “I think it’s the heat, it’s really bothering me and I get a . . . what do you call it . . . ?” Wheelie bin full of Häagen-Dazs?
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
GREAT Sporting Insights. Eddie Howe: “Jack Wilshere can be the missing jigsaw that we need.”
Charlie Nicholas: “I don’t care if you’re inconsistent so long as you can do it every week.”
Paul Merson: “The West Brom owners are letting Tony Pulis out to dry.”
And Steve Brown: “The similarity between the London village and Rio village is there’s an awful lot of similarities.”
Factor in some honesty
OVER a decade into The X Factor, Simon Cowell turned to his fellow judges and asked: “What are we looking for that we haven’t found?”
Well, blimey, now you’re asking.
A point to Louis Walsh? A way of stopping Nicole Scherzinger saying: “I love your energy.” An age-appropriate wardrobe for Dermot?
Where the hell do you start? Probably with a continuity issue relating to Saturday’s auditions, which suddenly switched to Alexandra Palace.
By an astonishing stroke of luck, this was also the venue for Sunday’s Boot Camp.
Unlike previous auditions, though, there was no giant video screen or snaking queue of hopefuls. Nor can I find any evidence there was an open invitation for the public to attend.
All there seemed to be, in fact, were four acts, including a girlband called Four Of Diamonds, who looked like they’d been put together during a Smash Hits lunch break, and professional singer Mike Hough who’s managed by a Sony Music subsidiary called Insanity.
And waddayaknow? Every single one of them was put straight through to the next round, with lavish praise ringing in their ears, suggesting to me there is one set of auditions for the genuine amateurs and mad old wallopers, like the cockatoo woman, and quite another one for “friends of Simon”.
What’s it this show’s looking for that it hasn’t already found? An ounce of honesty might help.
- INCIDENTALLY, what do you think the chances are of The Brooks, who are managed by Sinitta, not making it through to The X Factor’s live shows? ’Cos I reckon they’re about the same as Johnny Depp naming Louis Walsh as the co-respondent in his divorce.
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
Last Leg guest Stephen Mangan leaving Channel 4 viewers in no doubt he’s “a-helluva-guy” for attending the Paralympics.
X Factor imagining no one would notice they’d staged Kirsty Murphy’s audition invasion.
Last night’s EastEnders clearly over-stepping the left-wing line with its anti-private healthcare rant.
BBC1’s Scotland’s Game documentary actually going to the bother of pixelating the last word of the famous Tartan Army flag: “We hate Jimmy Hill, he’s a poof.”
And the crushing disappointment of discovering Sam Faiers: The Mummy Diaries didn’t involve embalming her with linen bandages in an upright coffin. Series two, maybe.
THINK Tank imbecile of the week was a dead heat. Bill Turnbull: “In which European country is the famous port of Dunkirk?” Jess: “Scotland.”
And Bill Turnbull: “Which historical figure married Clementine Hozier in 1908?”
Lucy: “Charles II.”
- GREAT Sporting Insights. Eddie Howe: “Jack Wilshere can be the missing jigsaw that we need.”
Charlie Nicholas: “I don’t care if you’re inconsistent so long as you can do it every week.”
Paul Merson: “The West Brom owners are letting Tony Pulis out to dry.”
And Steve Brown: “The similarity between the London village and Rio village is there’s an awful lot of similarities.” (Compiled by Graham Wray.) - KATIE Price’s Pony Club, week five, Katie’s instructor: “Today you’re going to be riding the Shetlands.” Then tomorrow Katie’s going to be riding The Orkneys and working her way down through the mainland, via Thurso and Inverness.