Don’t like Ricky Gervais’s joke? Smile politely then just move on
I’M starting to think that Ricky Gervais is more than just a comedian or a writer or an anti-woke warrior.
I’m beginning to believe he might actually be a bona fide genius.
Einstein in a T-shirt.
The first time I watched The Office, I thought it was a comedy about David Brent.
But I watched it again the other day and it isn’t.
It’s a surprisingly touching love story between Tim and Dawn.
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He was similarly clever in After Life, especially the first series, which was funny and sad in equal measure.
And as the Chubby Little Fat Man in Extras with David Bowie, we learned he’s a damn good actor as well.
But in his new Netflix show he’s hit peak Gervais, as he wades, scrotum deep, into every single no-go area. Trans sex. Hitler. Aids. He literally does the lot.
But his arguments about how the human mind works are persuasive.
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His social commentary is next-level clever and he produces more quotable one-liners than William Shakespeare and Winston Churchill combined.
Not that any of us could ever actually quote any of them because we don’t have skin thick enough to stand up at the Golden Globes and call Joe Pesci “Baby Yoda”.
Needless to say, the show has not gone down well in the world’s sixth-form common rooms.
They see his jokes as actual hand grenades. They accuse him of bigotry and “literally” killing people. And they are completely missing the point of what he’s trying to say.
So let me pick up the baton.
There was a time when a vegetablist would come to your house and be happy to nibble at the greenery and the potatoes.
But not any more. Now, they call in advance and “demand” you cook something especially for them. They see this as their right.
Then you have the militant feminists. They stop you and ask for directions and when you say: “Yes, you take the second left, and right by the church,” you’re told in a blizzard of spittle to stop “mansplaining everything”.
Imagine if we all behaved like that.
I went last weekend to a christening, where we all sang some songs praising the baby Jesus, and then the godparents were asked to renounce evil and turn to God and all of that stuff.
Now, if I had a vegan mind I would have stood up and shouted, “NO!!!! I don’t believe in God. I think it’s all a fairytale.”
And then I’d have posted the vicar’s name and address on Twitter, urging other atheists to kill him.
But I didn’t do any of that. I just respected the opinion of the vicar and the parents and stood there, smiling politely, and looking forward to having a few drinks afterwards.
Because if we have to stop the world every time someone on it has hurty feelings, it won’t really work as a world any more.
Will I crop a fine?
THROUGHOUT the Partygate investigation we’ve been told that Boris had some cake while another person was in the room and that Sir Starmer had a beer and a curry during a meeting with colleagues.
And I’ll admit, I’ve been worried.
I took that first lockdown very seriously. I washed my hands all the time. I wore a mask.
Even my 60th birthday was celebrated with no one other than my girlfriend and my children.
And even then, we all sat outside, two metres apart.
But can I put my hand on my heart and say that, after work one day, I didn’t have a beer when Kaleb or Gerald, or someone else from the farm, was nearby?
Can I say that I never once gave the team a pork pie and some pickled onions for lunch?
And if I did, would that count as a party? The way the BBC has been banging on, the answer is yes.
I’m all in favour of going after politicians when they make a mess, and those Downing Street wonks who vomited and had a karaoke session need a smacked bottom for sure.
But Boris and Sir Starmer? Nah.
Leave them alone on this, because they’ve got other, much more important, things to be getting on with.
Sports cheat
I RECEIVED an official-looking email last week from the Department of Media, Culture and Sport saying that I was to be awarded an OBE.
There were a couple of things that made me suspicious, though.
Number one: Why on earth would they give me an OBE? And number two: The email said it was for services to sport.
What services to sport? Turning up at Stamford Bridge once in a while.
I tell you what might be funny, though.
Some gullible people may fall for the hoax and actually turn up in a penguin suit at Buckingham Palace.
Imagine their little faces when the guard says they’re not on the list.
'Man Utd is rubbish'
THE BBC apologised this week after a message appeared on the screen saying, “Manchester United are rubbish”.
Quite right, too. Manchester United is a team. Not a very good one, but a team nevertheless.
So it should have said “Manchester United is rubbish”.
Smelly pee
GOOD news.
Because the asparagus season is nearly over, I will soon be able to go for a pee without the smell causing all the wallpaper to peel off the walls.
Lycra lot no angels
THERE’S been a big jump in the number of people being killed on the road.
Figures just out show that about 1,560 died last year, up from 1,460 the year before.
The RAC trotted out its usual splurge about the standard of driving in this country being so poor, and having seen a man in a Golf GTE Zip Car touching his brake pedal 117 times between London and Oxford this week, I can see where they’re coming from.
But having driven in most of the world’s countries, I’d say we are better at it than almost everyone else.
So why the leap in deaths? Especially at a time when many of us were marooned at home? And doubly especially when you look at the mad new 20mph speed limits in built-up areas.
I don’t suppose the increase has anything to do with the massive leap in the number of cyclists?
No, of course not.
Cyclists never do anything wrong and if they fall off, it’s always, always, always, a car driver’s fault. Even when it isn’t.
Which is usually.
Shroom service
A ROMANTIC novelist who once wrote an essay called How To Murder Your Husband has been convicted of murdering her husband.
Nancy Crampton-Brophy told police she had sourced a gun with her husband’s knowledge and had given it to him to use as protection while out collecting mushrooms.
Weirdly, they didn’t believe her.
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He's Ted wrong
FOLLOWING the latest school shooting, an American Republican lunatic called Ted Cruz said the violence could be ended if schools had only one door, manned 24/7 by a policeman.
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Right. I see.
So the solution to the problem isn’t fewer guns. It’s fewer doors.