Hit TUI and easyJet where it hurts by staying at home or go somewhere by train

FANCY a week’s break on the sun-kissed beaches of Majorca?

Britain’s biggest holiday operator, Tui, is offering exactly that at prices ranging from £1,500.

Included in the price is the following:

•  A five-hour wait outside Manchester Airport because some unwashed middle-class tosser with a nose ring and the IQ of a King Chow Mein Pot Noodle has glued himself to the tarmac of the A555. Any attempt to remove the said tosser, by ripping him from the road and leaving his left ear behind, will be swooped on by the police.
• Three days in the famous luxury “Terminal Two” departure lounge fighting a family from Tipton for the last ­available chair.
• An exciting search through the various bins for discarded food and drink, because the restaurants have all sold out.
• A six-hour wait in the customs and baggage queue before you are introduced to Stalin’s granny who confiscates ­everything you have including, after an internal search, your pancreas.
• A seven-hour wait on the Tarmac while a hen party from Chester-le-Street run through their cheerful repertoire of catchy 1990s hits, including Ooh Ahh . . . Just a Little Bit and Ice-T’s Sex.
• Four weeks at your own additional expense in Majorca, masked up, because all the flights home have been cancelled.
• Two months waiting for your luggage to be returned from Cyprus, or Barbados.
• Six months of writing to the holiday company or airline demanding a refund and being told to get stuffed.

Tempting, isn’t it?

You’ll forgive me but my wanderlust has kinda dried up in recent years.

Going anywhere by plane is, at the best of times, a miserable and stress-filled business.

And even when you’re lying on the beach, you’ve still got the trip home hanging over you.

And these really AREN’T the best of times, are they?

What we are seeing now from the airlines and the holiday companies is the consequence of sheer greed and downright incompetence.

EasyJet have been cancelling loads of flights every day — it was THIRTY on Tuesday — because they can’t find the staff. It’s a similar story for British ­Airways.

Families are seeing their holiday plans ruined even as they board the planes.

The airports — Manchester, in particular — are a living hell, full of angry people going nowhere.

The airlines were mighty quick to lay people off during Covid and this saved them a lot of money.

But then they were woefully slow in taking on new people.

Despite having been warned by the Government that they needed to do so.

They can’t fill the posts largely because the money they pay is four-fifths of naff all and the hours are both long and inconvenient.

And yet knowing that they are having to cancel flight after flight, the holiday companies are still advertising supposedly cut-price deals.

  It is truly shocking that the companies can behave like this.

Four-fifths of naff all

Further, they should be financially ­liable not just for the cancelled flights and the cancelled hotel rooms but also for compensation.

They are knowingly ruining people’s summers.

For two years now we’ve been desperate for a few days in the sun.

And now we can go, these useless ­companies have let us down.

As for me, I’m staying put.

Nothing would induce me to contribute towards easyJet’s huge profits.

Take my advice and stay at home or go somewhere by train — hit them where it hurts.

Goal chance, but Carroll’s caught napping

THE places where Andy Carroll can’t score increase seemingly by the week.

He was presented with a golden opportunity by Taylor Jane Wilkey (who gets an assist).

Middle of the penalty area, ball played straight to his head, fiancee 2,000 miles away.

And what does he do? Falls fast asleep.

Ah well. I hope his missus-to-be liked the photos.

And I’m sure it will be a long and trouble-free marriage.

Gram slam's a sham

EVER more desperate to claw back public support, the Government is to re-introduce the old Imperial system of weights and measure.

Pounds and ounces, not kilos and grams.

Problem is, greengrocers and butchers are currently quite happy selling their produce under both systems. As is already allowed.

Why don’t they go the whole hog and bring back rods and chains?

(There are four rods in a chain, by the way. I know, because I’m one of them.)

This is a dim-witted publicity gimmick.

Will it return voters to the Tory fold? Not a firkin chance.

Euro trash

SLOWLY but surely the French are beginning to ’fess up to having made a right royal Horlicks of the European Champions League final.

At first they put all the blame on the Liverpool supporters, who were utterly blameless.

One French politician has already written a letter of apology to the fans.

Richard Bouigue said: “I deplore the dysfunctions in the organisation of the game and the lack of maintenance of order that led to this real fiasco.”

No merde, mate.

I wonder how much racism was to blame for the behaviour of the French police?

After all, the Real Madrid fans faced no such problems.

I SEE the Aussies are moving quickly towards becoming a republic.

Seems like quite a few countries have had enough of our Royal Family.

Hard to argue against them, I suppose.

But the Aussies seem to have it in for us at the moment.

One of only four countries to give us nul points in the Eurovision Song Contest, for example.

Australians used to be fun. Just recently though they’ve been getting boring, chippy and woke.

HERE’S the deal. If the Tories don’t get rid of Boris Johnson as leader, they will not win the next election, or even come close.

We will instead have a Labour/Lib Dem/SNP coalition. Looking forward to that? Nope, thought not.

So come on, you Tory backbenchers. It’s time to press “reset” before it’s too late. Have some spine and ditch the bloke.

Bodgers

MORE than 176,000 badgers have been slaughtered by our government.

A terrible waste of life. And one which has done nothing to stop the spread of bovine tuberculosis in cattle.

In March this year the respected medical journal Vet Record published a peer-reviewed study on the cull.

It showed that killing the badgers had little or no effect on the spread of TB.

Immediately the Government screamed blue murder and said the figures were rigged. It then produced its own analysis.

Six weeks later the government was forced to apologise to Vet Record.

It was the Government who had got the figures wrong, again.

Leftie louts

THE moron leftie students were at it again. Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi was visiting Warwick University and was met with a fusillade of abuse.

“Tory scum” the cretins shrieked at him.

This is because Zahawi, like almost everybody else in the country, believes that a man who transitions to being a woman isn’t ACTUALLY a woman.

I wonder if Warwick will apologise to Zahawi?

Or are the spineless idiots who run the place too scared of the deranged left-wing minority?

Moggie dimwit

IT was very dim-witted of West Ham footballer Kurt Zouma.

If you’re going to kick a cat, try not to let anyone else see you doing it.

Certainly don’t let someone film you doing it and put it on social media.

But that’s West Ham for you – they’re none too bright over there.

But does it really warrant 180 hours of community service?

Wouldn’t you rather the Old Bill were following up on your burglary rather than hounding ailurophobic footballers?

(Ailurophobia means an irrational fear or dislike of cats. You see – you can learn stuff from this column. Not much, I grant you.)