Liz Truss’s No10? It’s just like F1… no one knows what they are doing
LAST year, the nail-biting Formula One season ended in a blizzard of nonsense, with the wrong man being crowned world champion.
I won’t bother going over all the details again because we all know what happened.
The Race Director had a bit of a panic and decided to introduce a new rule that he’d just thought of.
And that was that. Lewis Hamilton, the rightful winner of the race, came second.
Still, at least we all knew that everything would be straightened out and that it would never happen again.
And now it has. Because Max Verstappen won the World Championship in Japan last weekend.
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That’s a fact. No arguments there.
Or are there?
When he crossed the line, in first place after a truly brilliant drive, he hadn’t won the world crown. Everyone agreed on that.
But then, because it had rained for two hours, everyone suddenly agreed he had.
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Or has he? Because now, the sport’s governing body says that his team, Red Bull, spent too much money building his car.
And that there must be a punishment.
So what is the punishment? Ah, well, they haven’t decided that yet.
He may have some champion-ship points deducted. But from which year? Nope. They haven’t decided that either.
So when he turns up in Texas next weekend to compete in the Austin Grand Prix, no one will know whether he’s competing for the world crown or whether he’s already won it.
Nappy change
The Americans are going to be very confused by that.
It’s strange. We like to think that everything big and shiny in the world is run by people who know what they’re doing.
Even though there is plenty of evidence to suggest this simply isn’t the case.
Football has VAR. There’s a man in a hut who can watch a player’s eyelashes in slow motion to establish whether a foul has been committed.
And most of the time, he gets it wrong.
Then there’s the Bank of England. The governor has one job. To keep the British economy on an even keel.
But he keeps saying and doing things which cause all the world’s money men to have heart attacks.
The NHS is run by idiots. So is the Police Force.
And how can we have arrived at a point where pop stars and businessmen have worked out what must happen in Ukraine?
But Biden can’t see it at all. Possibly because he’s in the lavatory, having his nappy changed.
All of which brings me on to the shambles mooning about in Downing Street right now.
I can’t get my head round Liz Truss at all. She pops up out of nowhere and says she is going to cut taxes. Great.
Trebles all round. But how will she pay for this?
Er, she doesn’t seem to know. And when it becomes clear she really doesn’t know, the Pound tanks and mortgage rates go through the roof.
I can only assume she’s been given the top job by someone who knows she’ll make a mess of everything and will have to replaced very quickly by someone else.
Boris Johnson? Or Max Verstappen, perhaps?
U.S. VOTE SYSTEM BRUINED
IT seems that in America election-rigging is now so prevalent, it’s even been used in a ballot set up to find Alaska’s best bear.
The early favourite was a brown bear called 747.
Nicknamed Bear Force One, he weighed 100st, and was the size of a chest- freezer.
But early on in what’s called Fat Bear Week, officials noticed that a much less impressive, female bear called Holly was closing in on the title at an alarming rate.
Judges checked – there isn’t much else to do in Alaska – and found that in a just a few hours, she had overturned a 6,000-vote deficit.
They cried foul.
A scandal was exposed and Bear Force One was declared the winner.
Soon, the Democrats and Republicans will do battle in the mid-term elections.
Don’t expect them to be any less ridiculous.
IT’S SO BUS ’N’ THEM
MOTORIST James Sheridan-Vigor pulled into a bus lane to let an ambulance past and was surprised to receive a £130 fine.
Why was he surprised?
Surely everyone knows by now that buses and bicycles have the right of way over absolutely everything else.
Apart from eco-protesters who are allowed, by law, to sit in the middle of the road holding up fire engines for as long as they like.
God’s creation will look after itself
TWO years ago, the Church of England announced that it would be carbon neutral by 2030.
They said it was vital they helped to protect God’s creation.
But they kept on installing gas boilers so now they’ve quietly announced that they’re dropping the target and God’s creation will have to look after itself.
I KNOW WHAT DUA LIPA IS . . . BUT KANYE?
SOMETIMES, I pretend I don’t understand the modern world or any of the people in it. But the truth is that, mostly, I do.
I know, for example, what Dua Lipa is and I’m up to speed on Paddy McGuinness and his catchphrase.
But I’m not making it up when I say that Kanye West is a mystery. Is he a singer? An actor? A politician?
I genuinely have no idea.
But I do know that this week he wore a shirt saying that white lives matter, and as a result he’s been cancelled.
Which means that, now, I never will know who he was.
BRRRING ON THE WINTER
ALL over the world, there are creatures that thrive in cold weather.
Arctic hares, emperor penguins, snow leopards, musk oxen and, best of all, me.
My dad was a Yorkshireman who didn’t like wasting money.
So when I complained to him that I was cold, he said I should go to bed and get under the blankets.
And as I didn’t want to go to bed and get under the blankets, I learned to like being cold.
So now, on even the chilliest day, I drive my car with the air- conditioning turned on.
I’m sitting here now, in the middle of October, in a T-shirt, and I’m planning to take a summer holiday next year in Svalbard.
I hate being hot. It makes me itchy. And I don’t like wearing socks because it makes my feet feel claustrophobic.
Many people think my internal thermometer is broken and that I’m odd.
But this year, I’m revelling in it. Because while you are sitting in front of your thermostat, wondering whether you can afford to turn it up a bit, my windows are wide open.
Gas price increases? They don’t bother me, as I won’t be needing gas.
Heating oil is three times more than it was three years ago? Don’t care.
You may think that you could never live like this, but I think you can.
You just need to retrain your body.
If you sit in a fridge for an hour, the kitchen will feel positively hot when you climb out.
And if you keep the windows open, it’ll feel toasty warm when you close them.
In short, forget 75F. Make 62F your new normal.
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LOT OF WASTE
AT a poncy auction this week, a man with more money than sense paid £14million for a chair that you can’t actually sit on.
But sooner or later, he’ll have a party. And someone will.