The Dover migrant centre attack was no far-Right plot, it was just some saddo loner
THE man who staged a petrol bomb attack in Dover last weekend was immediately branded a terrorist and investigated for links to far-Right political groups.
Of course he was.
We hear about these neo-Nazi groups all the time and we have in our minds that in every pub basement in the land, there are gangs of skinheads with swastikas tattooed on their foreheads, listening to some Austrian businessman who is using his vast wealth to fund an all-out assault on Europe’s immigrants.
This is backed up by what we see in television drama. The sinister terrorist groups are never Muslim fanatics because — well, just because.
So, instead, they’re always far-Right extremists, hell-bent on reinvigorating Hitler’s dream.
It’s scary stuff. Until you actually start looking into these so-called Nazi terrorists. Such as the man who launched the attack in Dover.
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He wasn’t a stormtrooper, all full of muscle and guile. He was a tragic, slack-jawed pensioner who had no friends and couldn’t spell.
And instead of using a sophisticated explosive device, he simply Sellotaped some fireworks to plastic bottles he’d filled with petrol.
As a result, the death toll following the attack was one: him.
Look. There is no far-Right plot. Sweden and Italy have not been occupied by Nazis. There is no fascist army ready to die for the cause.
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And if there is someone who has a suspicious moustache, it’s probably because he’s taking part in Movember.
Instead, what we have is a bunch of lefties who wait for someone to say: “We really have to do something about the number of people coming to Britain in small boats.” And then run around in circles, calling them a Nazi.
I was wondering to myself this week why thousands of Albanians are choosing to come to Britain across the Channel.
Why don’t they just get on a plane and come here that way?
Could it be because if they arrive at Heathrow, they aren’t given a tin foil blanket, some money and a free holiday at the nearest four-star hotel?
In the eyes of the lefties, that makes me a far-Right extremist. And if you think I have a point, then you’re a far-Right extremist as well.
We were told this week that one in six of all the people living in Britain today was born elsewhere.
That’s not a surprise to me. There are four people living on my farm and I’m the only Brit.
But if I go on to say that unchecked immigration may cause problems down the line with housing and health, the veg-heads on Twitter will immediately call me Adolf Eichmann.
No good can come of this intolerant lunacy. Because how can we have a much-needed debate on immigration when those who ask the questions are immediately called racists?
And how can anything be achieved when Suella Braverman, the Home Secretary, talks about an “invasion” of the south coast and is immediately tarred with the same brush as that idiot who exploded in Dover?
It’s as mad as calling Sir Starmer a communist, which is why, in the spirit of good neighbourliness, I’m going to stop doing it.
MP Tom isn’t a ‘they’
AN MP called Tom Tugendhat has apparently been caught by police holding a mobile telephone while driving a car.
That’s not interesting.
What is interesting is that the policeman who caught him told a court this week: “The device was being held in their left hand in front of themselves.”
At first, I rolled my eyes and wondered how thick you’d have to be to mangle a sentence like that. “In front of themselves”? That’s not even English.
But then he went on to say: “I confirmed with the driver they weren’t making emergency contact to the 999 service.”
And the penny dropped. The officer wasn’t illiterate. He was just being woke and not giving Mr Tugendhat a he/him pronoun.
For God’s sake. Tugendhat was a lieutenant colonel who served in Iraq and Afghanistan, so it’s a safe bet he’s a man.
And if that’s not enough evidence, it seems he wasn’t actually using his phone at the time of the alleged offence.
Of course he wasn’t. Because that would mean he was multi-tasking, which is not something any man I know can actually do.
Matt's fashion faux pas
I ACTUALLY met Mancock the other day and have to admit he was charming, interested, interesting and extremely personable.
I came away thinking that he might actually be normal.
But then I noticed that he arrived in Australia for his (possibly brief) stint on I’m A Celebrity and had tucked his T-shirt into his jeans.
I never trust a man who does that. Because it tells us that he’s trying to be one of us. But doesn’t really know how.
Gangs are never gunner beat their enemies
WE’VE all seen a Bond film, so we know you never explain your plans to someone before killing them. For they will always escape and stop you.
And because we’ve seen The A-Team, we also know that you don’t lock anyone in a shed full of handy tools. Because they will use them to break out.
The message has been clear for 50 years. If you catch someone, shoot them in the head immediately.
But that doesn’t seem to have been understood by anyone in the second series of Gangs Of London.
No one is ever shot in the head straight away, which means they invariably get a chance to lay their hands on a broken glass or a handy screwdriver.
And then, of course, they escape, knowing exactly what their assailant is up to. Because he’s just told them.
Nacho – with nuts
BORED? Well, how’s this for an idea?
A man called Nacho Figueras, who’s an Argentinian model and a polo-playing friend of Harry Markle – that’s all three levels of awfulness covered right there – is offering a two-night stay in Aspen, Colorado, with some food in a tent and the chance to ride a horse.
The cost? $295,000.
Which, thanks to the current exchange rate, is about £7,000billion.
Small wonder Harry is so odd these days.
He’s keeping the company of people who have absolutely no sense of reality.
Let 999 crews risk it
IT’LL be interesting to see what recommendations are made by the inquiry into the 2017 Manchester bombing. I have one already, though.
We have been told that the fire brigade did not arrive at the scene for two hours.
And that for the first 40 minutes after the blast, only one paramedic was in attendance.
But I do not blame a single fireman or ambulance driver for this.
I bet there isn’t one who wouldn’t have got in there just as fast as possible. No matter what the dangers.
No matter how great the risk of a second explosion, they’d have gone in.
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They didn’t, because their bosses were hamstrung by health and safety legislation.
That’s what’s got to stop. People in the emergency services should be asked, when they get the job, to sign a form saying that if they want to take a risk in an emergency, they should be allowed to take it.
Whatever next?
SCIENTISTS announced this week that a psychedelic compound found in magic mushrooms can be used to treat severe depression. You don’t say.
Yup. Apparently, if you take it, you immediately find everything hilarious.
What are they going to announce next?
That the alcohol found in beer can be used to treat shyness?
Or better still, that the lettuce found in your vegetable garden, if combined with the water found in your tap, can be used to treat fatness?