Impartial Joey Essex might be the only presenter not reeming of a win for Hirraly… or Clirraly
ALL of TV’s big political hitters are gathering in America for today’s historic Presidential election.
BBC News reporter Jon Sopel’s there, scowling every time he says the name “Donald Trump”, Jon Snow’s really not bothering to keep a lid on his feelings for Channel 4 and ITV2’s dispatched resident imbecile Joey . . .
Actually, I’ll start that last bit again.
ITV2’s dispatched one of its resident imbeciles, Joey Essex, to “investigate the country’s culture and election”.
The latest episode in a long-past-its-sell-by-date joke called Educating Joey: The American Reem, which, a bit like The Godfather, turned out to be a trilogy in the 9pm Tuesday-to-Thursday slot.
The description “road trip” would obviously flatter the resulting programmes because Joey just kind of wandered off, talking to randoms and bellowing his gormless catchphrases — “Bosh! Wallop!” — while displaying a bewildering ignorance of everything: “How old is America? 75?”
Behaviour you’d find annoying in a five-year-old but it’s an incitement to violence from a man who’s now pushing 26.
A minor miracle that he didn’t get hurt, an even bigger one that the most annoying thing about these trips is still commentator Phillip Schofield, who plays Zippy to Joey’s George, forever correcting the goon yet never in a way that makes you laugh or smile.
And had it also been broadcast live to some of Joey’s new gun-toting mates, there may well have been a much bloodier conclusion to Educating Joey: The American Reem.
As it was, a pattern swiftly developed to most of his meetings. The Americans would be baffled, then charmed, then exhausted by the relentless stupidity of their new friend. So it turned into a three-hour game of Pass The Moron.
Day one, in Los Angeles, he was shunted from Kim Kardashian’s best mate to a casting agent, to “the woman who de-wrinkles George Clooney’s ballsack” (I’m not making this up), to a dwarf actor at a Venice Beach gym who introduced himself with the immortal words, “I was married to ET”, without there being any chance of Schofield adding: “But she now plays Gail on Corrie.”
Day two, in Texas, was a similar game, with cowboys and gun nuts.
Day three, though, when he finally arrived in Washington DC to discuss Clinton v Trump, something odd happened.
I started identifying with my captor and even heard myself shouting his catchphrases back at the telly: “Bosh! Wallop!”
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It might have been a mild case of Stockholm syndrome but I think it was more down to the fact Joey Essex was one of the few British reporters in America who didn’t betray his obvious preference.
While most others very obviously support Hillary Clinton, Joey can’t even pronounce: “Hirraly . . . Clirraly . . . Hilarilty.”
This doesn’t make him smart. The boy’s several strings short of a full banjo. But it does ask questions of those so-called big-hitters, whose endless mocking of America’s electorate is probably helping to push them towards their Trump nightmare.
There’s irony also for the rest of us here. When Joey made a similar programme about our 2015 election, Clegg, Farage and Miliband all played ball in a dumb attempt to look cool.
Yet both Democrats and Republicans had enough sense to blank him totally on The American Reem.
You can maybe explain that one away by the fact he’s not famous in America.
The most chilling moment of the trip came though when Joey declared: “If I was President, the first thing I’d do is tell the bank to print lots of money and give it away to everybody.”
Which, I promise you, will be official Labour Party policy come the next General Election. Bosh. Wa-llop.
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
Holly Willoughby’s weird new Mockney accent.
Holly Willoughby’s weird new Mockney accent.
ITV2’s shambolic Mobo Awards, featuring the worst acceptance speeches of all time.
ITV unveiling yet another massively underwhelming I’m A Celebrity line-up.
EastEnders failing to send its bin collection storyline to the nearest landfill site.
And This Morning’s access-all-areas reporter Leonard Steinberg thrilling us with the news: “The great thing about George Clooney and Amal’s Manhattan apartment is that it’s got a Joel Robuchon restaurant in the building.” At which point, I’m pretty sure, every single viewer on disability allowance formed a spontaneous conga of delight.
I had to turn the lamp off
HORSECRAP enterprise or not, I’d a grudging respect for the stamina of Christine Lampard and the W channel’s Celebrity Haunted Hotel Live team by the end of their marathon.
Five long nights the likes of Jamelia, Penny Smith and John Thomson were locked in the dark, attempting to disprove all known science with nothing more substantial to show for their efforts than co-host Jamie East exclaiming: “Craig Revel Horwood felt something go off in his hand.”
And all for what end purpose? I’ve still no real idea, other than an insane desire to contact some miserable sod called Edward Brett, who topped himself around the turn of the last century.
Yet, at the end of the experiment, when they’d drawn the inevitable blank, Christine announced there would be a highlights show on Wednesday night.
A step too far for me after watching all 12 hours. So I can only hope they included the bit where paranormal expert Emily Exley told John Thomson how to summon up Edward’s ghost.
“You need to shout out ‘I WILL DO IT’, five times into the mirror.”
“OK then. I WILL DO IT FIVE TIMES.”
At which precise moment, if you listened carefully, I’d swear you could hear the thud, thud, thud of John Logie Baird spinning in his grave.
Lookalikes
THIS week’s £69 winner is JD from The Apprentice, and Bobby from King Of The Hill. Sent in by Chris Millican, Rotherham.
Picture research, James Holland.
Important memo
HOPE you all took notice of the vital global-warming message about “leaving fossil fuels in the ground”, on BBC2’s otherwise pointless Arctic Live, but didn’t for one moment think it applied to Kate “Air Miles” Humble and the vast production team, who would very much like you to long-haul them South for Antarcti Live and also request that you “write to the BBC” to lobby for this jolly on their behalf.
Do as they say, not as they do.
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
Gerry Taggart: “It was a terrible error and Danny Drinkwater looks destitute.”
Gordon Strachan: “You can’t put your finger on why Southampton’s academy does so well but it’s all about good coaching and discipline.”
Dan Walker: “I’m a bit too tall to look over this fence.”
Vincent Kompany: “I’ve made one commitment and that’s to be honest with my feelings. And to listen to the medical staff.”
SAS: Who dares clings
WHILE everyone else tries to turn Britain into the most mollycoddled, tearful, excuse-mongering nation on Earth, one brave and beautiful TV show attempts the opposite.
This was last night’s SAS: Who Dares Wins, on C4. An assault on the senses which preached the modern heresy of “controlling your emotions” and probably had generation snowflake handing in their armband about the same time special forces veteran Jason “Foxy” Fox recalled his own selection process.
“You start to think whether you could sit in an observation post for two weeks, go to the toilet next to the person, s**tting into cling film, you know?”
Not really, no. But before I’d a proper chance to process that information, contestant 18, Mark, the “urban poet”, was performing the show’s infamous ackward fall into water, from top diving board height, with instructions from course leader Ant Middleton.
“Take your time, hold on to the stick, that’s what it’s for and . . .”
SPLAAAAT. He landed in the so-called “Bobby Davro position”.
“That’s what the post’s there for. Compose yourself, so you don’t over-rotate and smash your ball bag on the water.”
Got it. Stick, compose, ball bag, water. Now about that other thing, I’ve a severe cling film allergy, PTSD and a doctor’s letter relating to a school toilet cubicle “incident”, in 1982 that unfortunately prevents me . . .
“GUAAAAARD!” (C4, Monday, 9pm).
PSYCHIC DEMONSTRATION OF THE WEEK
Celebrity Haunted Hotel Live’s resident psychic, Alex Gibbs, gets an uncannily accurate message from “the other side” about Vogue Williams
“I’m also connecting, I don’t know why, with going to South America, like a rainforest and it’s almost challenging you with something?”
Yeah, I dunno why you got that connection either, Alex.
Unless, of course, you were one of the three million people who watched Vogue on Mission Survive with Bear Grylls.
TV gold
- C4’s SAS: Who Dares Wins. Planet Earth II and its astonishing racer snakes v iguanas footage.
- BBC4’s Weiner – Sexts, Scandals and Politics, which was so compelling I didn’t even notice the lack of commentary for an hour.
- Our very own Jane Moore winning Pointless Celebrities with Kevin Someoneorother, who I think was the bongos player in Modern Romance.
- And co-host Matt Richardson, who actually appeared on the first run of Up Late With Rylan, concluding 12 hours of Celebrity Haunted Hotel Live with the announcement: “I have never wanted a second series of a show less.”
It’s unanimous then.
FILTH CORNER
Back at the Eurosport bowls, Danny Brown: “Anything round the back will do for Billy, but Wayne’s going to go for it and he’ll be more erect than ever, I’d have thought.”
Then keep your smutty thoughts to yourself, Danny.
- THE American Reem, LA, Joey Essex: “If I’m going to move out here I want to know – what’s it like to work out here?”
Same as Britain. Write their name on the cup and off they bugger. - TUESDAY night. Watched Stephen K Amos unsuccessfully bid for some old fairground amusements on Celebrity Storage Hunters. Can now officially confirm, he couldn’t buy a laugh.