How dare police mention Nicola Bulley’s menopause – they wouldn’t mention a man’s fertility problems, it’s pure misogyny
THE disappearance of a person is at best distressing and, at worst, utterly heartbreaking.
Many of us have been following the Nicola Bulley investigation with sadness and bewilderment, others with a little too much interest.
This police investigation does seem to me to have been fraught with “oddness” and inconsistencies.
I’m not here to add to speculation.
But I was initially disturbed when, after just a few days, Lancashire Police issued a statement that she had simply fallen into the river, without seemingly much evidence to support this theory.
For right or for wrong, it gave me the impression they simply wanted a speedy conclusion to the case and picked a likely (or perhaps the simplest) outcome to this unexpected absence of a mother of two.
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It felt like they wanted people to just forget about her disappearance. Nothing to see here, move on . . .
Hearing the lead investigators reveal a couple of days ago that she had suffered “significant issues with alcohol” and was struggling with effects of the menopause stopped me in my tracks.
Surely this is medical information that no one but the person in question would have the right to authorise the communication of?
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This is personal and confidential knowledge between a doctor and their patient.
Who knows if even close family were aware of this characterisation of Nicola?
And fundamentally, that’s what it amounts to — a characterisation.
The police have now created a different image in our heads of this woman, as someone who might potentially turn to alcohol because she couldn’t cope with her hot flushes.
Talk about blackening someone’s character.
Let’s be honest, many of us have issues with alcohol to a greater or lesser extent, but the mere mention of it casts such a cloud of shame, weakness and instability over a person.
There’s nothing attractive or empowering about not being able to handle your drink or being a tad dependent.
Yet it was the mention of her battles with the menopause that struck me most.
I’ve never, ever, heard a police investigation mention this in connection with any case or victim or search and I’m baffled as to why they thought it was relevant and important for us all to know.
Imagine a man disappearing and the police making mention of his reproductive status.
It simply wouldn’t happen.
On the face of it, it sounds like their defence — that this is the reason they escalated her case to “high risk”.
Some kind of peculiar elimination, dispelling the possibility that a third party could be involved.
Menopause is no joy for the vast majority of women.
I’ve written about it extensively and have lived it for the past ten years. It affects every woman differently: Physically, emotionally and psychologically.
It’s this last effect the police are shining a light on, undeniably.
Are the police casting aspersions on a woman who might be enduring this difficult time by suggesting she’s vulnerable, or just that she’s no longer fertile?
Menopause changes us, indeed.
But I can’t bear women being viewed through this one-dimensional prism of misogyny, disdain and disregard.
Worse still, it sounds as if the police are absolving themselves of responsibility for finding Nicola by blaming a woman herself because she might be going through the menopause.
“That’s wot done it, sir, she was a woman on the edge ’cos of her ’ormones.”
As women, we are so much more than our hormones. I know it has been hilarious to joke about that but no one is laughing any more.
And what message do they think this sends out to women, wondering if ever they need to report a crime or that if something happens to them, this is what will be revealed about them?
I fail to comprehend how releasing information about alcohol and menopause could possibly assist in the search for Nicola.
Moreover, without adding fuel to the speculation already in the public domain, all I keep thinking is that if, just if, Nicola has disappeared of her own free will, how much more complicated and loaded the prospect for her return will be with this information now floating around.
If anything, I feel the police have made a terrible situation so much worse.
Worse for her family and friends. And potentially worse for Nicola herself.
SORRY WORDS WON’T WASH
THEY say “sorry” is the hardest word. Turns out that’s not true. Sorry.
Within days of his infidelity being exposed, Vanessa Feltz’s fiancé Ben Ofoedu issued an apology.
So did rugby player Joe Westerman, who was caught performing a sex act on a woman who was not his wife.
So, saying sorry is actually really pretty easy.
Ofoedu had scripted the most predictable response about how he was full of regret.
Westerman only had time for a quick “sorry” to his family and team-mates because his wife didn’t pause for breath before telling the world their marriage was over and she’d had no contact with him.
Since then he’s sent her grovelling texts about how he doesn’t remember a thing.
Keep digging that hole, Joe . . .
We’re all capable of making mistakes. But everyone knows the consequences, that worlds will crash.
When I hear people like Ofoedu drone on about having “every regret” and that Vanessa has always been (and remains) the “queen of his heart”, I can’t help but wonder why that wasn’t at the forefront of his mind when he was playing hide the sausage with his accomplice.
Equally, Westerman must have known the proverbial would hit the fan when he was caught on a stranger’s phone camera.
The talk of regret and remorse makes their apologies sound hollow.
These are words uttered by people who feel obliged to say them because they’ve been rumbled.
I was unfaithful in my first marriage. I offer no excuses. I also don’t recall issuing any public apology.
I’m not sure I even apologised to my husband, as it seemed so empty. I knew I would end my marriage.
Then, I had fallen in love. I wasn’t taking my chances at a holiday camp like Ofoedu or in a seedy alleyway like Westerman.
These guys did what they did, quite simply, because they could.
Saying sorry doesn’t absolve you or your responsibility.
I don’t think there could be a more empty word to use. There is no way anyone could possibly accept the apology.
Perhaps being publicly shamed might help concentrate the mind.
And not the manhood.
A HERO OF THE HOLS
CAN I have a high five from all the parents who successfully navigated (or scraped through by the skin of their teeth) half-term?
I’m the latter, for sure.
They were probably juggling all the other stresses and strains of life and work that normally weigh us down.
I can’t even pretend the week’s school holiday crept up and caught me unawares.
I’d known it was coming but my persistent procrastination meant I kicked any plans for it into the long grass, like a dysfunctional mother in absolute denial.
I’m lucky, I only have one child remaining at home and it would have been very easy to leave him to sit on his skinny butt and let him game from noon ’til night.
It was very tempting, especially as I was trying to fit work around him too.
But I’m actually incredibly impressed with myself and my abilities over the past week.
I made sure we did one thing every day, just to get us out of the house and force us to spend some time together.
It was a struggle but I did it.
Granted, one of the things we did one day was take the car to the car wash.
But kids love all that, don’t they? Even at 15? Surely?
GO LAURA, BUT GRAB ALL THE HELP YOU CAN
LOVE Islander Laura Anderson has announced she is pregnant by her ex-boyfriend, Gary Lucy.
It’s not clear if the couple have reunited or if Laura is planning on doing it all herself.
Of course, women can bring up a baby all by themselves. It’s not an impossible task.
I’ve been there and bought the T-shirt.
What I would say is that, despite the excitement, the reality is really pretty hard.
Many women nurture a baby with a partner who barely lifts a finger.
Then, you’d be far better off on your own.
Or you could be with someone who isn’t parenting off the same hymn sheet, in which case the task becomes twice as hard.
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Whichever way it works out, Laura will know she can do it alone.
But if family or a friend offers help, grab it with both hands, pin them down and never let the swine go.