WhatsAppening to the right to free speech for us all?

IF the lockdown files have taught us anything, it’s this.

1. Autocorrect is a b*****d
2. The Tories are about as funny as Sex And The City 2
3. The “cock” in Matt Hancock really is nominative determinism at its finest
4. Don’t put anything over WhatsApp

The first three, I think, we can all agree on. But it’s the last which is so deeply troubling.

By releasing more than 100,000 WhatsApps into the ether — well, The Daily Telegraph — a terrifying, Black Mirroresque precedent has been set.

Over the past few days reams of missives between the Tory party top tier have covered absolutely nobody in glory.

(Arguably only current PM Rishi Sunak comes out all right, that rare beast of a politician actually questioning the economics of lockdown — and not attempting to politicise a pandemic).

We’ve learnt that while the elderly were dying afraid and alone in care homes, our political elite were laughing at them.

We’ve been told that as the majority of us waddled forlornly from fridge to WFH desk/kitchen table, relishing a daily trip to Tesco Express and an hour’s outdoor exercise (the same “privilege” extended to those in HMP Wandsworth), the rule-makers were mocking the rules faster than they could make them.

We’ve discovered that our former Health Secretary allegedly rejected advice from Prof Chris Whitty, a man with much, much more than a couple of GCSEs in science.

So while we blindly, trustingly believed in what we were being told and did what we were told, the Westminster bubble doubled down, dizzy with their own heightened sense of self-importance.

Oh, and if I was Matt’s girlfriend Gina Coladangelo, I’d be RAGING.

When discussing The Sun’s infamous — and excruciating — office snog exclusive, Gina offers to resign.

Matt shuts her down. “No. Definitely not,” he replies, seemingly out of loyalty.

“It adds pressure on me to go,” he clarifies.

Ah, young love.

Elsewhere, MPs and senior officials joke about locking up travellers arriving in the UK in quarantine hotels, gleefully joking about “putting pop stars in the box rooms”.

As if a Premier Inn is the last word in peasantry and squalor.

In a rare moment of levity, albeit entirely unintended, Hancock and one of his aides enjoy a bitch about Dominic Cummings.

“What a f***ing piece of s***”, reads one touching exchange.

“You went out and backed him . . . and he responds by briefing against you relentlessly. He’s a psychotherapist.”

Seconds later, the autocorrect is clarified with a sheepish asterisk: “*psychopath”.

There are numerous other examples of the Government’s casual disregard for what they kept telling us was a “once-in- a-lifetime” global event.

Undoubtedly the leaking of these messages was in the public interest.

Mystic Meg

But it’s also clear that these men and women were working around the clock.

There are texts sent at dawn, and midnight oil-burning ones.

Many of the exchanges are sensible, inquisitive and clearly show ministers doing their utmost to save lives and make the best choices.

Not even Mystic Meg could have foreseen the damage Covid, and lockdowns, would do.

As we have seen in the court cases of Wagatha Christie and Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, supposedly private exchanges are private for a reason.

Were my WhatsApps to be leaked I would have to pack my bags, scoop up my dog, and leave planet Earth.

But we all make lame or ill-taste jokes and inappropriate comments. It’s called free speech.

If we lose this, or the ability to trust others not to leak our innermost thoughts or inane memes or funny dog-playing-the-guitar videos, we lose what it is to be human.

We mustn’t self-censor, or it’s the beginning of the end for us all.

18th-century Kardashian

TURNS out women in the public eye have been airbrushing for two-and-a-half centuries.

Sarah Siddons, born in 1755, was the most famous actress in Georgian times.

She was also, let’s say, “big-boned”.

A recently unearthed painting by Sir Thomas Lawrence exhibited in 1797, shows a heavily edited, massively flattering version of Ms Siddons.

In it, not only is the 18th-century star a good couple of stone lighter than her actual punching weight, she’s also had a few years knocked off her.

Sarah, who once got stuck in a chair while playing Queen Catherine in a performance of Henry VIII, was also the first celeb to be “fat-shamed” – with her size regularly mocked in satirical magazines of the time.

Looks like Sarah was the 18th century Kim Kardashian. (Minus sex tape, Kanye West and bottom filler).

Abby's fabby in blue

WHEELCHAIR user Abby Cook was yesterday announced as Blue Peter’s 42nd presenter.

This is great news.

As is Strictly Come Dancing bosses hoping to sign Loose Women’s Sophie Morgan.

For far too long, society – and looks-obsessed showbiz especially – has been far too ableist.

These women are inspiring an entire generation and, more importantly, tackling the stigma of physical disability head-on.

Representation, and on-screen diversity, matters.

I'm not feeling fines

THE number of tickets issued by private parking firms shot up by nearly a quarter in the second half of 2022, new figures have revealed.

This translates to around 31,000 tickets a day, or £100 per driver every three seconds.

As someone with an innate ability for collecting parking fines – were I to add up the amount I’ve personally funded these cowboy firms I’d probably weep – this isn’t really news.

The private parking sector is probably the only one booming in the UK right now.

Bully for them. Literally.

But, for the rest of us being ripped off left, right and centre, the Government needs a clampdown on this increasingly unregulated and out of control industry.

NEARLY three-quarters of Tinder users say on their dating profiles that they never, or rarely, drink.

I can safely say I will never, ever be one of these people.

The prospect of painful small chat over a pint of lime and soda brings me out in hives.

I absolutely, categorically, would rather be single for the rest of my life, left to die, alone, eaten by alsatians.

Peter Crouch once quipped that without football he’d still be a virgin.

Pretty sure the same applies to me and alcohol.

NEPO babies are so February 2023.

Step forward, Stanley Johnson: Britain’s first nepo daddy.

The former MEP has been nominated for a knighthood, thanks to son Boris.

In his defence, Stanley – awarded the Greenpeace Prize for Outstanding Services to the Environment in 1984 – has long been a relatively lone eco voice on the right, and has campaigned hard on many a worthy issue.

But yes. The optics, as they say, aren’t exactly great.

Just climb down

IF proof were ever needed that we are all beginning to take ourselves a tad too seriously, then this, surely, is it.

Toblerone, a chocolate rarely eaten outside the confines of Duty Free, has been ordered to remove its signature Matterhorn mountain peak from all packaging.

Apparently some of the chocolate’s production is being shunted from Switzerland to Slovakia, meaning it will lose the prerequisite “Swissness” necessary to merit the Matterhorn.

These rules state that national symbols are not allowed to be used to “promote milk-based products not made exclusively in Switzerland”.

Guys, it’s a triangle-shaped chocolate bar.

THE NHS regularly comes in for a hard time.

But its latest initiative deserves praise – recruiting volunteers to phone the lonely.

The Check In And Chat scheme, first brought in during lockdown Mk1 to support those shielding or isolating, is returning at the behest of concerned doctors.

The pandemic, and three debilitating lockdowns, have wreaked havoc on the elderly, especially those without spouses.

As a nation, we are a ticking mental-health timebomb.

Measures like this may be too little too late but, quite simply, we have to try something.

Djok's a joke

NOVAK DJOKOVIC has withdrawn from this week’s Indian Wells tournament due to his unvaccinated status.

The USA still won’t let anyone without a Covid jab cross their borders without special permission.

In completely unrelated news, big Pharma Moderna is a headline sponsor of this year’s US Open.